To Be Whole Again
A Journey To Peace

This will be a drastic entry and I felt that the pain that a good
friend had felt, deserved writing about.
See, my pain is some what similar and sometimes God does give us more
than we can handle.

I was hurting, I could not breathe anymore, I found myself taking deep
breaths constantly, I questioned my mortality daily. I regretted, I
hurt, I grieved I was angry. It was like a giant fog was enveloping me,
and only me. I wanted this ride to stop, I wanted to get off, I wanted
it all to end, I had had enough of living and pain. Before I realized it
a year had passed, Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter had passed. Children
had been born and family had passed on, Where was I? Where had I been? I
realized everyone else was continuing on around me, the world had not
stopped because I had, I was the one who had stopped living. As each
day came, something woke up inside of me and then it was like a slap in
the face, "life does move on, people I knew had moved on, family had
moved on, I was in a time warp. And then I started seeing the sun
glowing a beautiful orange, stars at night, butterflies, lakes,
children, I was alive again It was like I was a bear hibernating
through the long winter months, I woke up to beauty all around, I
realized that God gives us a new day everyday to start again, not to
forget everything that hurts, but to move on and see good in the days
ahead. When my son died I thought I died too. If you had Said to be
that it would get better, and believe me people did or You will have
more children I probably would have said "You don't understand how I
feel, how can I get better, I will never be the same person again". The
tender love of a parent for a child may be the purest and most
sacrificial kind of love that any human being can know. A mother shared
with me that when a child dies you have a funeral in your heart everyday
for the rest of your life, she said that the only thing that got better
where the eulogies, as the years went on the memories were happier and
not so intense or sad but they were still played out in the heart and
mind. I now know that it is precisely because of this intense bond with
a child that parents grieve so deeply when their child dies, this I find
is regardless of age or circumstance. When you lose a child, words
cannot begin to heal your broken heart or take away your pain, but with
time, healing does happen. My mind and emotions were shielded by shock.
I am now thankful that we all have this shield. There is a calm feeling
of unreality. The numbness I felt permitted me to make decisions and
choices in a fog like state. I really believed this was a bad dream from
which I would awaken and everything would be as it had been before.
Looking back in retrospect, I now call this time of grieving "Mind
Insulation" I believe it is one of the ways that we as parents can get
through this time. The pain in your heart needs to be allowed to creep
in a little at a time according to your timetable of acceptance not
anyone else's timetable for you. There are many different responses to
the pain or grief that you feel. Some people mourn with visible
suffering, while others internalize their sorrow. The outward signs of
your sadness do not always reflect how you feel on the inside. My own
grief was so deep that I could not even carry through every day events.
I cried a lot on my own, but tears hurt, my heart and soul was so badly
damaged that it actually hurt to shed tears. Nothing in my life made
sense, even daily routines were too much for me to carry through. I went
on but I did not function as a "so-called" normal person. I would try to
do things only to end up on the couch laid out as a vegetable on a
buffet table, no emotions, no energy. I would watch soap operas and cry
over others tragedies, I would watch commercials with babies and fall
apart and cry for hours on end in a empty house. I entered the dream
world of TV land, where happy endings where a half hour away and
wondered why my happy ending had not yet come.
I will continue this tonight. Alot more to be told.
P. Christopher Jade

Hey that was very touhing.

My heart goes out to you my cousin lost a son age 8, and we
watched her do the same things you did. Looking forward to reading the
rest tonight.

WOW.....I haven't read anything that touched me like that did in many
years and I have walked a very similar walk. My husband died of cancer
when he was 37 and I was 35 and that will be 8 yrs ago in June. You
absolutely nailed every single feeling! The fog, I called it a defense
mechanism, to absorb a bit at a time, your world stopping and everyone
else's moves along, alll the things you play over in your mind. You
are right, time moves along though and happy memories prevail 99% of the
time, for me anyway.

I just had to repsond..I am sorry to read of your pain.

Okay all, Hey Dude I understand I had a stillborn daughter when I was
younger.. I'm not quite sure I have ever gotten past it.. I just don't
think I can... I'm not going to throw blame around.. I just miss her and
think of her often...