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| Topic: Lost hope? | |
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So i'm not sure what happened to me. After my last real relationship 2+ years ago, I haven't been able to meet anybody. I know most people say what they're looking for is "confidence" but i'm afraid i've lost all of mine. I have no idea how to just 'create' confidence in myself... I think i've just lost hope that i'll meet somebody. The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh. I don't know where to begin.
How do you change your whole view around? How do you 'get' confidence? |
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just be yourself dude and everything will fall into place. i would rather be hated for who i am than loved for who im not
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Start going out and just meeting people. Not necessarily for dating, but just to get used to meeting new people again. Find activities you're into and meet people that way. Then you'll at least have something in common. Don't have any expectations about dating right away and it will be easier.
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I can only speak from experience, but I got confidence in myself after I learned some Martial Arts and became good at it. It changed everything from posture to how I carried myself, and though I wasn't conscious of it, apparently, it conveyed itself physically. The thought of being capable of protecting myself and those I hold dear straightened my spine, so to speak; and some men actually found it sexy.
 I guess in a nutshell, confidence is more of an attitude you have to discover by believing in yourself and your capabilities. Whatever it is you do, be the best you can be and everything else will follow. Good luck! :) |
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One must look within and deal with past issues that are bothering them learn to love yourself and be happy with you. Then you will portray more confidence to others once your comfortable with yourself..
One must learn to love themselves before they can truly feel the love from others.... |
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So i'm not sure what happened to me. After my last real relationship 2+ years ago, I haven't been able to meet anybody. I know most people say what they're looking for is "confidence" but i'm afraid i've lost all of mine. I have no idea how to just 'create' confidence in myself... I think i've just lost hope that i'll meet somebody. The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh. I don't know where to begin. How do you change your whole view around? How do you 'get' confidence? I think you have to be able to separate the concept of "self-worth" from the concept of "failed relationships." I mean, I've been through 94 consecutive horrible relationships, so if I based any sort of self-perception on THAT score, I'd be about ready to jump in front of a big train or something. But I have a lot of confidence in myself, primarily because I think I have a handle on my own strengths and weaknesses. If I've been in a lot of failed relationships, it occurs to me that a big part of that may simply have been my own inability to locate or meet a suitable partner. That doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I need to be a little more selective about who I'm looking for, and maybe a little more honest with myself about what works, and what DOESN'T work, for me. The part where you wrote: "The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh." -- Yeah, I'm in that same boat. Hey, I've written 5 books, I'm smart and funny and caring and very attentive to things like spelling and grammar and punctuation. But what I'm finding (and have been finding for several years) is that none of that matters, at least not on dating sites. The list of things that women are looking for on dating sites -- in my experience at least -- is very short but very specific: "Take care of me, take care of my kids (present and future), keep your mouth shut and don't bother me with anything that resembles actual thought processes in any way." That won't work for me. Dating sites seem to instill a disconcertingly homogeneous mindset in their clienteles, and I don't want someone like that. But there's always the possibility that someone more amenable with my preferences will show up tomorrow. You never know. |
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So i'm not sure what happened to me. After my last real relationship 2+ years ago, I haven't been able to meet anybody. I know most people say what they're looking for is "confidence" but i'm afraid i've lost all of mine. I have no idea how to just 'create' confidence in myself... I think i've just lost hope that i'll meet somebody. The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh. I don't know where to begin. How do you change your whole view around? How do you 'get' confidence? Hey there, Dont worry about it, just be yourself, make friends let people just see you for you,If you try and be confident you are sure to fail. If you just be yourself you can be confident in who you are, and that when someone does knock your socks off , that she has fallin in love with you and not some pretend person. The moreyou are yourself the more confident you will be. |
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So i'm not sure what happened to me. After my last real relationship 2+ years ago, I haven't been able to meet anybody. I know most people say what they're looking for is "confidence" but i'm afraid i've lost all of mine. I have no idea how to just 'create' confidence in myself... I think i've just lost hope that i'll meet somebody. The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh. I don't know where to begin. How do you change your whole view around? How do you 'get' confidence? I think you have to be able to separate the concept of "self-worth" from the concept of "failed relationships." I mean, I've been through 94 consecutive horrible relationships, so if I based any sort of self-perception on THAT score, I'd be about ready to jump in front of a big train or something. But I have a lot of confidence in myself, primarily because I think I have a handle on my own strengths and weaknesses. If I've been in a lot of failed relationships, it occurs to me that a big part of that may simply have been my own inability to locate or meet a suitable partner. That doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I need to be a little more selective about who I'm looking for, and maybe a little more honest with myself about what works, and what DOESN'T work, for me. The part where you wrote: "The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh." -- Yeah, I'm in that same boat. Hey, I've written 5 books, I'm smart and funny and caring and very attentive to things like spelling and grammar and punctuation. But what I'm finding (and have been finding for several years) is that none of that matters, at least not on dating sites. The list of things that women are looking for on dating sites -- in my experience at least -- is very short but very specific: "Take care of me, take care of my kids (present and future), keep your mouth shut and don't bother me with anything that resembles actual thought processes in any way." That won't work for me. Dating sites seem to instill a disconcertingly homogeneous mindset in their clienteles, and I don't want someone like that. But there's always the possibility that someone more amenable with my preferences will show up tomorrow. You never know. LMAO, I am sorry but Lex you are so funny I just love reading your posts. If some girl doesnt love you just for your sence of humour then all the girls near you are nuts. |
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So i'm not sure what happened to me. After my last real relationship 2+ years ago, I haven't been able to meet anybody. I know most people say what they're looking for is "confidence" but i'm afraid i've lost all of mine. I have no idea how to just 'create' confidence in myself... I think i've just lost hope that i'll meet somebody. The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh. I don't know where to begin. How do you change your whole view around? How do you 'get' confidence? I think you have to be able to separate the concept of "self-worth" from the concept of "failed relationships." I mean, I've been through 94 consecutive horrible relationships, so if I based any sort of self-perception on THAT score, I'd be about ready to jump in front of a big train or something. But I have a lot of confidence in myself, primarily because I think I have a handle on my own strengths and weaknesses. If I've been in a lot of failed relationships, it occurs to me that a big part of that may simply have been my own inability to locate or meet a suitable partner. That doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I need to be a little more selective about who I'm looking for, and maybe a little more honest with myself about what works, and what DOESN'T work, for me. The part where you wrote: "The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh." -- Yeah, I'm in that same boat. Hey, I've written 5 books, I'm smart and funny and caring and very attentive to things like spelling and grammar and punctuation. But what I'm finding (and have been finding for several years) is that none of that matters, at least not on dating sites. The list of things that women are looking for on dating sites -- in my experience at least -- is very short but very specific: "Take care of me, take care of my kids (present and future), keep your mouth shut and don't bother me with anything that resembles actual thought processes in any way." That won't work for me. Dating sites seem to instill a disconcertingly homogeneous mindset in their clienteles, and I don't want someone like that. But there's always the possibility that someone more amenable with my preferences will show up tomorrow. You never know. LMAO, I am sorry but Lex you are so funny I just love reading your posts. If some girl doesnt love you just for your sence of humour then all the girls near you are nuts. I agree completely. It seems that the girls in Indianastan are required to undergo humorectomies before they ever reach dating age, though. |
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Thank you for the replies. I've heard this advice before... "just be yourself". I'm sure it's very useful advice for most people, except for one thing. I am being myself! I dress how I like, I don't put on any kind of act, I say what I think and I pretty much just 'live' without second-guessing. I still can't meet anybody, heh.
I think part of it's probably that I can be pretty shy and I don't really approach people I don't know. I feel socially retarded, like I have no way to know if this stranger even wants me to chit-chat with them (because I don't know them, so I don't know anything to actually talk about except mindless stuff). Then online pretty much all of my messages go ignored (of course with 90% of the people on here not putting any useful info in their profile at all, it's really hard to start a conversation worth having anyway). I feel like i'm trying to drive a car when I don't know how to work the gas pedal. |
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So i'm not sure what happened to me. After my last real relationship 2+ years ago, I haven't been able to meet anybody. I know most people say what they're looking for is "confidence" but i'm afraid i've lost all of mine. I have no idea how to just 'create' confidence in myself... I think i've just lost hope that i'll meet somebody. The crazy thing is, I *know* i'm a great guy, I know i'm worth someone spending their time with.... but nobody else knows that, heh. I don't know where to begin. How do you change your whole view around? How do you 'get' confidence? Rob one of the schoolkids around your area then when you are running away call them a cry-baby...instant confidence booster. 
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Thank you for the replies. I've heard this advice before... "just be yourself". I'm sure it's very useful advice for most people, except for one thing. I am being myself! I dress how I like, I don't put on any kind of act, I say what I think and I pretty much just 'live' without second-guessing. I still can't meet anybody, heh. You might very well be "yourself," but from reading your posts, you don't like yourself much. If you don't like yourself, why should anyone else like you? It is easy to say "be yourself," but it doesn't always apply in circumstances such as attracting a partner. A boorish idiot can be himself--or herself--but that doesn't mean that other people will like him/her. Perhaps your problem isn't that you can't meet anybody, but that you can't meet a woman who embodies what you like and/or want in someone whom you date or even with whom you live. To create confidence, first, forget about attracting women and concentrate on yourself. Meditate, learn a new skill or find a new hobby. Stop dwelling on why you can't meet a woman and make yourself into a better, more interesting man. Develop a sense of humor. Do something that you have never done before, something totally out of character for yourself--within legal limits, of course. Once you start on a regimen to becoming a new and improved "you," then start talking to total strangers, men and women. Make small talk. Smile at everyone. It worked for me. |
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What about my posts made it seem like I don't like myself? I like myself very much actually. I'm kind of awesome. But I reiterate, other people can't seem to see that.
Also, i've already tried improving myself. Maybe I didn't go far enough? I took more care in my appearance, got clothes that actually fit and were of a style other than jeans-and-t-shirt, started working out, started doing more outdoors activities, tried to organize meet-ups with different groups of people, etc. I've tried being more positive, smiling more, trying to be more outgoing, etc. I have some skills and hobbies. I pretty much stay active all the time, always trying not to be sitting at home on the computer (my former pastime). I don't know how to develop a sense of humor really (kind of thought I had one before..). As far as doing something out of character, I suppose I could try that; the only thing I have to lose is my dignity :) The other aspect of this could be that i'm fine how I am, and it's only my self-doubt that's causing me problems. I kind of suspect it has more to do with the fact that I am sort of the anti-Alpha male and most women just aren't going to be initially attracted to a skinny short guy who looks like he's barely in his 20s. But perhaps that's just projecting? |
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We've all been there where we question if there's anyone out there for us. Hell, why else would we be here on a dating site? At some basic level, we must believe there's at least a chance to meet someone special here. So, the good thing is you're not alone in that wondering.
Now, for my advice: I'm a little older so I can say this, but what you need to do is stop beating yourself up. It makes you sound desperate and unattractive. Women don't like that, and you become less of a challenge for them if you're too needy like that. What you need to do is sorta like the Mike Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High idea: "whatever it is you are doing, that's the best place to be because you're doing it." And one more thing, you're in your 20s, you said? Dude, I'm 31, there are guys here in their 40s, 50s, 60s that I've seen. The odds of time tell me that you're going to have a lot of chances, some more failed relationships, and maybe even meet the right one. So just keep a good self-image about yourself, and enjoy the ride. |
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