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| Topic: Those in recovery | |
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When I was a teenager, I had two boyfriends relapse back into drug use. As an adult, I dated a guy not knowing he was a meth and pot user until one day he got abusive. Over the holidays, my boyfriend went back to using. He is not here and cannot see this.
I understand there is no guarantee a non-user will never become a user. That some go into recovery and stay there forever without a relapse or if they have a relapse, they quickly recover. I am to the point where if Mr. Right came along but was a recovering something, I am not sure I would be open to him. I just feel so burned. I would like to hear from those in recovery. Please do not say be supportive and take him back. I am asking about the future. Should I open my heart to another in recovery? |
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That's really a decision you have to make based on the individual. It sounds like you've had some experience with addicts, so you know that the only thing that gets an addict sober is their desire to quit. Also, an addict always has the potential to relapse.
It's just not really a good idea to get involved with someone in early recovery (not regarding someone who relapsed while you're with them already). I've dated addicts and non-addicts. It's really the same deal. If addiction is the worst problem that someone deals with, that's not so bad, if they want to be clean. Whatever makes you happy. |
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I just lost a six month relationship. We are both still in recovery. I really learned a lot from the relationship. We both just decided we were not right for each other. I should have waited till she had a year in the program. I shouldn't just have moved in with her like that. I came back to my place and starting over. I think it was a good experience for both of us. If nothing else we both really helped each other.
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When I was a teenager, I had two boyfriends relapse back into drug use. As an adult, I dated a guy not knowing he was a meth and pot user until one day he got abusive. Over the holidays, my boyfriend went back to using. He is not here and cannot see this. I understand there is no guarantee a non-user will never become a user. That some go into recovery and stay there forever without a relapse or if they have a relapse, they quickly recover. I am to the point where if Mr. Right came along but was a recovering something, I am not sure I would be open to him. I just feel so burned. I would like to hear from those in recovery. Please do not say be supportive and take him back. I am asking about the future. Should I open my heart to another in recovery? I dated two alcoholics. One is in recovery and yes he is sober but no way would I take him back. He could fall off the wagon at any time. He put my life in endanger and almost killed me; so not a chance in hell would I let him within 10 feet of me even if he is still sober. |
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I have a problem with addictions. Living with alcoholics did not help. Meetings don't seem to help. Ironically, I was often asked if I had been in treatment. Um, no, I sort of need to hold a job and pay the bills.
I have been sober for years, can go months without, but for some reason I slip. I have tried different things, and I now am aware of some of the triggers. Mainly, no matter how angry the significant gets at me for drinking, at least drinking makes the every day verbal abuse less painful. the issue for me is to feel better. I have shopped to feel better, I have gone to a nice restaurant to feel better, I have gotten into toxic relationships, because initially, I felt better. I write this for myself as much as for you. I drive along and talk to my self and it just doesn't make sense, not to be able to stop. I quit when I was pregnant. I quit when I was newly single in the past. I have amazing willpower. I can't understand why I cave. So it hurts less? I think I need to focus on the nature of the hurt source and eliminate it. Easier said than done. |
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Edited by
RainbowTrout
on
Tue 01/15/13 09:01 AM
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The hard part for me that we were both recovering alcoholics and addicts. "Working the program in all of our affairs..." (Paraphrazing) really takes on new meaning. I hung on even after her slip because I really loved her. She has about five months now. 13 stepping I look at differently now. It not just that you can bring them down but they can bring you down as well. You may be ready for a relationship but that doesn't necessarily mean they are or vice versa. Trying to be her knight in shining armor just about did me in and I just celebrated 29 years November 11th of this last year. Came to the local meeting where her sponsor hand delivered mail from her as a go between. Her sponsor asked if I was staying the meeting via her question if I was staying or not which meant if I was staying she was leaving. I said no. I would not come between her sponsor and her and have often told her that her sponsor and her come before her and me. "I always want the hand of A.A. to be there and for that I am responsible."
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Here is the best advice I can give you. Recovery is a personal process. You cannot help one through it.
If they are recovering, they need to be alone and not in a relationship. You can be a friend to talk to but cannot offer any help as in financial support, cigs, place to stay, nothing. The process of working through the pain they used as an excuse to keep using has to include complete and utter self reliance and self responsibility, otherwise they fall back into their dependent behavior. Timing for a full relationship is not good until they are recovered and have been for a good while. If you don't understand this, you are not ready for the information yet. It will mean something to you later. Stay strong and work on yourself. |
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I have a problem with addictions. Living with alcoholics did not help. Meetings don't seem to help. Ironically, I was often asked if I had been in treatment. Um, no, I sort of need to hold a job and pay the bills. I have been sober for years, can go months without, but for some reason I slip. I have tried different things, and I now am aware of some of the triggers. Mainly, no matter how angry the significant gets at me for drinking, at least drinking makes the every day verbal abuse less painful. the issue for me is to feel better. I have shopped to feel better, I have gone to a nice restaurant to feel better, I have gotten into toxic relationships, because initially, I felt better. I write this for myself as much as for you. I drive along and talk to my self and it just doesn't make sense, not to be able to stop. I quit when I was pregnant. I quit when I was newly single in the past. I have amazing willpower. I can't understand why I cave. So it hurts less? I think I need to focus on the nature of the hurt source and eliminate it. Easier said than done. And getting a Sponsor,someone you're at ease with! Willpower is of about as much use to an Addict/Alcoholic as it would be to someone who swallowed a Package of Ex-Lax and then tries to stay away from that Bathroom on Willpower! Living with practicing Alcoholics isn't exactly conducing to Sobriety either! |
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I have a problem with addictions. Living with alcoholics did not help. Meetings don't seem to help. Ironically, I was often asked if I had been in treatment. Um, no, I sort of need to hold a job and pay the bills. I have been sober for years, can go months without, but for some reason I slip. I have tried different things, and I now am aware of some of the triggers. Mainly, no matter how angry the significant gets at me for drinking, at least drinking makes the every day verbal abuse less painful. the issue for me is to feel better. I have shopped to feel better, I have gone to a nice restaurant to feel better, I have gotten into toxic relationships, because initially, I felt better. I write this for myself as much as for you. I drive along and talk to my self and it just doesn't make sense, not to be able to stop. I quit when I was pregnant. I quit when I was newly single in the past. I have amazing willpower. I can't understand why I cave. So it hurts less? I think I need to focus on the nature of the hurt source and eliminate it. Easier said than done. And getting a Sponsor,someone you're at ease with! Willpower is of about as much use to an Addict/Alcoholic as it would be to someone who swallowed a Package of Ex-Lax and then tries to stay away from that Bathroom on Willpower! Living with practicing Alcoholics isn't exactly conducing to Sobriety either!  Great analogy too!!
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I have a problem with addictions. Living with alcoholics did not help. Meetings don't seem to help. Ironically, I was often asked if I had been in treatment. Um, no, I sort of need to hold a job and pay the bills. I have been sober for years, can go months without, but for some reason I slip. I have tried different things, and I now am aware of some of the triggers. Mainly, no matter how angry the significant gets at me for drinking, at least drinking makes the every day verbal abuse less painful. the issue for me is to feel better. I have shopped to feel better, I have gone to a nice restaurant to feel better, I have gotten into toxic relationships, because initially, I felt better. I write this for myself as much as for you. I drive along and talk to my self and it just doesn't make sense, not to be able to stop. I quit when I was pregnant. I quit when I was newly single in the past. I have amazing willpower. I can't understand why I cave. So it hurts less? I think I need to focus on the nature of the hurt source and eliminate it. Easier said than done. And getting a Sponsor,someone you're at ease with! Willpower is of about as much use to an Addict/Alcoholic as it would be to someone who swallowed a Package of Ex-Lax and then tries to stay away from that Bathroom on Willpower! Living with practicing Alcoholics isn't exactly conducing to Sobriety either! Great analogy too!!   A Fellow from Philly told me that one many years ago! |
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The hard part for me that we were both recovering alcoholics and addicts. "Working the program in all of our affairs..." (Paraphrazing) really takes on new meaning. I hung on even after her slip because I really loved her. She has about five months now. 13 stepping I look at differently now. It not just that you can bring them down but they can bring you down as well. You may be ready for a relationship but that doesn't necessarily mean they are or vice versa. Trying to be her knight in shining armor just about did me in and I just celebrated 29 years November 11th of this last year. Came to the local meeting where her sponsor hand delivered mail from her as a go between. Her sponsor asked if I was staying the meeting via her question if I was staying or not which meant if I was staying she was leaving. I said no. I would not come between her sponsor and her and have often told her that her sponsor and her come before her and me. "I always want the hand of A.A. to be there and for that I am responsible." Yep,that dang Thirteen-Stepping! Just doesn't seem to work!
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