Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once,
because the faster you go the later you think you are."

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die
first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked
out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work
forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs,
alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you
become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby,
you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months warm, happy,
and floating...you finish off as an orgasm."

"Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat
cause kids."