does/has anyone here really ever made an effort to learn how the other sex works in order to learn and grow?
And also see what YOU did wrong in past relationships? Again to learn and grow, so you won't make the same mistakes again.

Not talking bout the obvious learning things, like i.e. not get involved again with someone who's addicted, abusive, workaholic, doesn't take responsibility or whatever.
I'm talking about deeper stuff, the "how is a woman wired" and "How is a man wired" kind of thing.

I am that kind of person, and even though my ex was a w@nker (LOL) and a narcissist, I still find myself thinking: "OMG did I really do/say that?! How INCREDIBLY stupid!!" and "F***, that must have really hurt him!" and "How could I NOT have seen how nice that was of him?"

Nothing I did/said with ill intent, but now that I'm reading and learning more, I see how totally off and painful some of these things must have been. And I was totally oblivious.
Why don't we get a manual at birth, or classes at school, to learn how men function and vice versa?

Have you ever made the effort to learn more about how the other gender works (so you can have better understanding and relationships)?

I can say that I don't "read up" on any of this because like so many others say in other threads....we are all different and have different wants, needs, desires, etc. So, no amount of "reading" about how men/women are wired simply won't work, IMO.

I CAN say that I have definitely learned things about myself in the relationships I've had since I've been in the dating scene again. Whether those relationships were physically dating or just talking/texting.

I am widowed and was happily married my whole adult life, so I have definitely needed to "learn" about what I want as well as what I may or may not being doing to attract a man. Like many other aspects of life, it is a process.

I have learned the things I have because of the talks I had with said ex's, and talking to friends (in real life AND online) to get their opinions.

That's what I've done in all of my relationships, however trivial they may have been.

We discussed this a bit in private when you were still talking to me and I would have thought that it was obvious that I come on here to try to understand women and think about my relationships with them.

I don't want to keep going on about my ex but she said that she felt that we must have met for a reason and that there must have been something that she was meant to do for me. She kept telling me why I was a crap boyfriend and what I needed to do to get a woman. It wasn't easy being constantly nagged like that but it was a deep and meaningful relationship for me and now that she's gone I can at least say that I finally understood her and that we parted as true friends.

Thank you for sharing your experience, Mel!

I don't do any books ect to learn things about others as was already said everyone is different..

What I have done since I have had plenty of time to do so, is to take the time to look within and what type of person I would be happy with. As well as what I could do when with another..

I tend to take more time getting to know the other person for who they really are and what they have been through in there life as well..

It really makes me shake my head to hear some say they don't want to hear the other person talk about their past and who they was with. But at my age the past relationships are part of our life.. And I realize those things do need to be discussed for it is a part of us regardless.. But now what they did in bed is off limits I don't want to hear that part lmao...

Now sure you don't want to hear them putting down the exes at least I don't... My ex as far as my kids dad is still around and we see each other at all the functions that deal with my kids and grand kids.. So if that is a problem with someone I date it is their problem not mine for he is a part of my past not my future... If they can not deal with reality then they are not the one to be within my life..

To me when you learn to forgive what happen within a past relationship and move on. Then you are ready to give to another... We can not erase our past, we must learn to embrace it and look towards the future.

Therefore I only try to learn about the person I'm with not all males for each are totally different.. No manual can give you the insight of what each person has been through for life it's self has taken us in all different directions.. Some can handle what life has dealt them some dwell in the past.. Myself I'm looking for that one that accepts that and looks at what and who they are today..and what the future could hold for them..

Thank you for sharing your story.
In this case, you understanding her, does that mean you see what YOU did wrong, what you did to make her nag and/or the relationship to go sour?
I'm NOT trying to make you defensive by asking this, but that (those questions) is actually the depth I was getting at. Have you ever looked at that?
So stuff that goes deeper than for instance "We just weren't right for each other". More like the deeper understanding WHY you weren't right for each other, so not the blaming and pointing fingers stuff. But the deeper insight of "Heck, I never knew women needed/desired/wanted ... and I never did that."
THat kind of thing.

Cannot summarize it really, lol, sometimes I'm confronted with the fact that English is my second language, not the first. But if memory serves, you know a fair bit of psychology, so I take it you know what I'm getting at here.

I'm interested to learn if other people ever delve in deeper. I think most stay at more superficial levels. I'm not judging that, just curious.

Actually I CAN summarize what I'm after:

Have you ever made the effort to become a better version of yourself AS A PARTNER by learning what the other gender needs, how they function and how they are wired?

I think most go with the flow, play it by ear, learn more superficial tidbits from past relationships, but have you ever delved deeper? To really understand?

Thing is, most don't really have a clue, that's why so many relationships don't work out, and so many people are single and I think an increasing amount will remain single for life, either by choice or by not learning.

No one really has a clue anymore about masculinity and femininity, we're all just doing something. Just chucking stuff at the wall, hoping something will stick. And giving up when nothing sticks without ever understanding WHY nothing sticks ...

To be honest I really do think this is a very contemporary issue, that could quite easily be resolved if only we'd understand the other gender better. And that goes beyond "everybody is different."
At a basic level men have the same wiring, so do women.

What I have learned throughout my marriage is this:

DON'T HOLD A GRUDGE

speak your peace and move on.
don't keep going back and bringing up old topics
have respect for each other
you can 'forgive', although we never 'forget'

when we first got together, it was agreed that both of us were not into a relationship with fighting/arguing/drama..

I have enjoyed a good 35 year marriage, without nary a fight.. friends find it unbelieveable, but its true.. our kids have never seen us disagree/fight..

Wonder if I will find someone like that again, who is so compatible with me..

What are you referring to?

You mean the education that you can buy towards making you a doctor?
That takes nearly a decade of specific schooling focused almost solely on how the body works?

Or do you mean the education levels available in psychology, sociology, anthropology, and even marketing?

Or one of the dozens to thousands of different areas of expertise that can be related to explaining how people interact in specific situations? Like law, education, environmentalism, or even art?


Not for the reasons you provide.

Knowing how the opposite sex "works" will not necessarily help your relationships.

Do you believe doctors, psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists, etc. all have perfect relationships, superior relationships, or relationships that are in any way different than yours?

At best if you are in a relationship and you both help each other learn more about how the other works, it will help that relationship.

I wasn't looking for cynicism and sneers or being ridiculed. Please stick to the topic and if you don't understand ask for clarification without ridiculing me. And if it's not your thing, just skip it.

Thank you for sharing, a beautiful and very inspiring story!

It's fine and yes. What you're saying there. I spent years going over it and thinking about what I had done wrong and I was constantly trying to please her when we were together, although I've got a bit of a stubborn streak and she was telling me why I was inadequate, while she wasn't exactly making me happy.

She just didn't have enough patience with me and I don't think that she wanted to be arguing all the time, even if she was the one starting them.

She was just like a force of nature. She was someone that kept saying to me that she was a woman and she was frustrated because she thought that I didn't understand her. At the time I suppose it might have been easy to take the atitude that it wasn't that I didn't understand women and that she was just a bunny boiler. That was how I felt when it was really bad.

It wasn't all bad though and even when she was nagging me and making just taking her out to dinner a stressful experience it always worked out in the end and we had fun.

She may not have wanted to live with me or marry me or even be my girlfriend but in a way we could be more intimate because that was all that we really had. It's hard to explain. She kept complaining that I was treating her like crap when I felt like she would just whine about anything and I really was trying my best to make her happy but it just wasn't working. She didn't feel that I respected her as a woman. Thought that I just wanted one thing. Gave me a boot up the arse right at the start of the ralationship when she said that she wanted to come round for a cuddle and then go out somewhere. Had a tantrum because I only seemed interested in the cuddle and didn't want to sit and plan a date first, or maybe just forget about the sex for a minute and just let's go out and have fun.

I learned a lot about myself and my sexuality with her and it's kind of a dumb thing to say but maybe not an easy thing to accept. It's not enough.