The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.
One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was.
He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says with angry, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't have slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A wise old man indeed.

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

Hi,, still laughing,, that ryhme is just the best,, thanx

You Can't Take It With You

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.

"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."

funeral

Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."

Retiree's Bar

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In
no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken,
not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That’s 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.

Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..."

A daughter checks her elderly father into a nice clean nursing home.

A week later she calls her dad and asks him what he thinks about the home, the staff and the treatment.

The Father gives a glowing report on it, "They take good care of us. They feed us good food. They have healthy activities every day. And just before bed time they give us a sleeping pill and the guys get a Viagra."

This news shocks the daughter. So the next day she visits the head nurse and confronts her. "Is it true, that you give my father, at his age a Viagra each night?!!"

"Yes it's true."

"WHY?!!"

"Well, it acts like a kick stand on a bicycle, and keeps them from rolling out of bed."