“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.

“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy.

“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded.

After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”

“Sir, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”

^^^ Good one.
All those terms of endearment are better than "hey, you."

Kevin Spacey's : impersonations on Bravo

http://youtu.be/dAMsfYRsrYs/ 06:39

Kevin Spacey impersonates Al Pacino in front of Al Pacino on CBS

…: http://youtu.be/DLr_TO5OEOM/

Kevin Spacey Impersonates Christopher Walken & Jack Nickelson

http://youtu.be/8KooaRwGO40/ 01:30

Wheel of Impressions with Kevin Spacey: Jimmy Fallon

http://youtu.be/-kWHMH2kxXs/ 5:03:



Kevin Spacey - Wikipedia, http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Spacey

An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

After promising his wife he would be home by midnight, an old guy was returning after spending a reunion night out with his old buddies. As he arrived home the cuckoo clock in the hallway was just chiming 3 O'Clock. Remembering his promise and fearful his wife would hear him, as quick as a flash he cuckoo'd another 9 times, then found his way to bed.

In the morning his wife said , Did you have a nice time last night dear?

Yes, he said, and I was home on time dear, because the clock had just chimed midnight.

I heard it, she said. and we will have to do something about that clock, because it cuckoo'd 3 times, then farted, said f*** it, and then cuckoo'd another 9 times!

A woman on the phone to her friend;

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Thanks, Duttoneer, glad you liked it. Here's one that I didn't understand at first....

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

Trying to convince us of your innocence Mzrosie
One of the best flasher jokes I've heard.

Hi Frank
Not that innocent... just a tad slow

How to keep a woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy
A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30.Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Determined
40. True
41. Dependable
42. Passionate
43. Courageous
44. Compassionate
Without forgetting to:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
And at the same time, you must also:
51. Give her lots of attention but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time,especially for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
It is very important:
54. Never to forget
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. leave him alone

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. leave him alone




... With the remote control

Two old ladies living in a retirement home were asked by the Matron if they would collect some books from the library in the village for some of the other residents, they said they would and set off.

On the way there , one of the ladies suggested they take a short cut through the wood, and although it was becoming dark the other agreed. When they had reached about half way through the wood, two men jumped out from the bushes and had their wicked way with them.

After they reached the library and had collected the books , one lady turned to the other and said, Are we going to tell the Matron we have been raped twice? What do you mean twice? said the other. Well. we are going back the same way are we not? she replied.

An old married couple were going on a Package holiday, but not long after the plane had taken off came an announcement from the Pilot.

We regret to inform you that problems with the aircraft has required we switch off one of the four engines, there is no cause for concern, but it means we will be about 1 hour late in our arriving.

A few minutes later another announcement,

We are sorry to advise you but the problems with the aircraft has required us to switch off another engine, again no cause for concern we can fly on two engines, but this means a further delay of 2 hours in arriving.

It was not long when there was yet another announcement,

We really regret to tell you we still have not sorted the problem with the aircraft, and have been forced to switch off another engine, but we are able to fly on one engine it just means that we will now be 3 hours late in arriving.

Hearing this the old lady turns to her husband and says. lets hope they don't switch off the last engine or we will be up here all day!

A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man said politely. The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male patron was asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips, she became tired and irritated and began thinking that she would have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking it might save her a trip, she yelled at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "But it's startin' to quiver."

A young woman at a party noticed an old guy in a kilt, she always wondered what a Scotsman wears beneath a kilt so she decided that she would start chatting with him and then ask him.

After they had been chatting for awhile, and had had quite a few drinks with both a little worse for wear, she asked him the question.

He looked at her, smiled and lifted his kilt. Ooooo, That's gruesome. she said.

If you keep looking at it like that lassie it will certainly grewsome. he replied.

On moving in to a retirement home an elderly gentleman could not believe his eyes when he noticed a pig walking about the place, he mentioned this to his friend and was told it belonged to the manager. After only a few days he noticed the pig was hopping about on three legs, and he thought this a bit strange, but then only the following week he noticed the pig was moving in a skipping sort of way and only had two legs.

He wondered what accident could have happened and was a little concerned but the pig always seemed happy enough. Then the following day he noticed the pig dragging itself along in the hallway on one leg, he was now concerned and thought he better speak to the manager.

He made an appointment to see the manager, and the next day went in to the managers office to speak to him. As he walked in he was shocked to see the pig had no legs at all and was lay down in the office. He said to the manager, that is a fine pig sir, but why does it keep losing legs? The manager replied, It is a fine pig sir, and you can't eat a pig like that all in one go.

OMG!!! Poor pig!!!