Inspired by msharmony's post about LIAR.

Here in Datingworld, one of the most often misused, simple words, is NEED.

We see it on dating sites a LOT. People trying to excuse everything from dumping a perfectly nice potential mate, to cheating on their official main squeeze, to stealing, and on and on.

People misusing words to get their way is an every day thing. What interests me about this one, NEED, is that there seem to be lots of people who know perfectly well, that most so-called "needs" in relationships really aren't needs at all, but they join a sort of conspiracy of silence, and pretend those "needs" are real, perhaps in hopes of getting their OWN fake "needs" approved.

THE TRUTH IS ALMOST EVERYTHING WE HUMANS DO IS BECAUSE OF OUR EMOTIONS AND

THEN JUSTIFIED BY OUR LOGIC.....want suggests external, need suggests internal...

Worlds of difference between 'want' and 'need'.
Perception, like.

yep.....

good one


need has become slang for 'strongly desire'


just as 'preference' has become slang for 'mandate'

the name of the game is justification...........

Interesting topic, IgorFrankensteen.

I agree people can rationalize their behavior, or lack of ethics, by thinking in terms of their own needs. Makes me think of Maslow's theory of the "hierarchy of needs."

"Maslow stated that people are motivated to achieve certain needs, and that some needs take precedence over others. Our most basic need is for physical survival, and this will be the first thing that motivates our behaviour. Once that level is fulfilled the next level up is what motivates us, and so on."



Interestingly, most versions of that pyramid include sex as a basic physiological need, yet relationships and emotional intimacy are higher up the pyramid. So with regard to dating... I guess that explains why many will take shortcuts to fulfill that need.

IME not really.
But mostly because I'm not in the brain of most people knowing what they know or feel.
Needs are based on perception.
Needs are simply things determined vital, necessary, or important.

If someone is willing to:

then it could easily be considered a perceived need, for them.

But just because someone "needs" something, or something is determined to be a "need," it doesn't mean it should just be accepted and given to them without consequence or cost.

Is that the problem? People believing since they defined it as a "need" that it should just be accepted without consequence, putting them above judgment or reproach for pursuing it, and other people should go out of their way to make sure that one persons need is met?

Defining something as a "need" doesn't get anyone special treatment.
At best it's just information indicating they are probably willing to make more extreme choices and exhibit more extreme behavior in fulfilling it than normal everyday things.


People misusing communication to get their way pretty much defines childhood.
And lawyers.
And politicians.
And job interviews.
And comedians.
And advertising.
And parenting.
And existence.
Words are tools.
Tools exist for multiple purposes.


That's the basic human social contract/norm of reciprocity, or at least behind reciprocity.

I agree with you sir...

A need is something that is required to achieve a specific goal.

If someone feels their goal is non negotiable they will feel their desire as a need.

Denying the fact they could change their goal because they don't want too.

If my goal is to stay alive, then I am going to need air.

I think it depends on if that persons first language is English.

I think a lot can be misinterpreted.

If their first language is English then yes, it could be mendacious.

Over all, my own concern is not about the people who overtly misuse labels like this one, in order to deceive others.

My main target, are those who misuse them only because society tends to do so, and because once you get it into your head that something IS a need, when it is not, then you can lose the most important part of your vision of the world: the sense that your life is up to you to shape.

In other words, if you think (for example) sex is a NEED, and not a desire, you can mislead YOURSELF into making poor choices in areas such as loyalty, or even care for someone you love.

I think your assumption that most people know the difference between need, want and desire is wrong.

I don't think the average person distinguishes well the difference between their thoughts and feelings. Their experience being of the complete package rather than separately

Need is a logical progression of a logical thought

Want and desire is the emotional wrapping around a thought that drives us to action to achieve our thought goal.

Instinctual needs for survival and procreation are also something that is thrown into the mix to make the task of distinguishing what is driving us all the more difficult

Is it that the fake needs you are talking about are needs that have not been matched with the correct thought or desire?

I assume you won't negotiate on that

Au contraire, mon ami. The entire reason to post a thread such as this, is to alert people to ponder, because it is clearly NOT true that even most people make the needed distinction.

It is one of many examples, of how we have to actually WORK to think clearly.

In the case of NEED, what I am most referring to, is that there is almost a mechanical result involved with the use of a label.

Take the inspiration for this thread, msharmony's post about labeling someone a LIAR. Once you choose LIAR as the label, in a case where MISTAKEN would have been more accurate, you add an accusation of negative intent to the person you are labeling.

In the same way, if you mislabel a DESIRE in your thinking, as being a NEED, the actions that you take or allow for it change accordingly.

Some people use "need" when they actually mean have to .
But the things really needed can be counted on one hand. All the other "needs" are selfish desires and are, in my opinion, amoral when gotten at the expense of others.

we can live without the things we want but the things we really need are essential and unique for each and one of us to survive.

Firstly , I think that most humans generally assign the same degree of importance to needs as we do to strong desires because the feeling of urgency that is created by a need versus a strong desire is virtually the same.

We dont theoretically need technology, hobbies, romantic love or even happiness to survive and yet most of us would feel severely deprived and desperate if any of these wants were snatched out of our grasp. I dont think that mindset makes us more prone to unethical decisions or behavior. Ultimately thats just a feeling or thought at the end of the day.

But as a rule of thumb, it is not always ethical or advisable to act on feelings whether instigated by need or want.

It is not right for me to steal from someone whether I am in genuine need of food or in urgent want of pretty jewelry.

It is not right for me to have an affair whether it is motivated by the genuine need for affection that my husband has deprived me of, or motivated by a superficial desire for a new sexual flavor of the month.

The ultimate determinant of ethical or unethical behavior isnt a perceived need or want or even a feeling.

Its more about the priority we place on integrity , accountability , and the welfare of others .And that priority can be as conveniently dismissed when a genuine need arises , as when a frivolous want surfaces.

I may be guilty of considering a want as a need.

I want to be part of a loving relationship. I admit, there are times when it feels like a need - and others when it feels like a want.

I'm inclined to agree with Peggy ... be it want or need, our integrity meter is more apt to determine what we do, than how we classify the things we desire.