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| Topic: What would you do if your 26 year old moved back in? | |
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how about a career counselor for him? would he try that? they have all kinds of aptitude/interest surveys and can help him match up some of his personality traits and different careers That's a very good idea!! That's what I'll look into, and I think it will go over better than any other kind of counseling! Thank you :) you're welcome I would suspect he may be feeling unmotivated and there is a loss of independence with the loss of driving so this might just spark his interest in a new direction give him a plan and some new goals which in turn would help the depression |
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Counseling only works if the object is wanting help. Otherwise it is a waste of time and money Agree with this. If he just spends time in his room, you will have to agree to a time to actually sit down and talk about where he would like his life to go, and how he would like to get there. Thus, introducing the idea of a counselor or therapist(preferably a psychologist) to help him with that, if he is unsure of either (which he obviously is). Typically, I would tell you, don't solicit advice from people not qualified to give it (defeating the purpose of many of these forums, haha). Everyone here has an opinion (me too, lol), but our qualifications all come from life experiences, which are as varied as the number of us on here. A GOOD psychologist should be trained to specifically help with some of your son's problems. Good luck. |
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Thanks so much. There is a lot to be said for life experience, I think.
I have had my share of therapy and most offer group sessions so people can share their experiences and learn from each other. I find value in both options, psychology and life experience  I plan to have a quiet sit down with my son, while I am on vacation and see how he feels about career counseling. |
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I thought this exchange I saw on an Asperger Expert's site may be pertinent.
Q: You say in the course to not use “carrot and stick” motivation, and yet in other content it seems like you are advocating that. What gives?
A: I’ll let a comment posted on our Influence Video Series answer this, because she did a better job than I ever could: “This is my interpretation of what Danny is saying. Blue line practice does not involve a carrot at all. Dangling a carrot is a control tactic that works quickly but does not product long lasting change... some times the "carrot" will no longer appeal to the child, and the child will go back to the undesired behavior until you dangle something more appealing to them to get them to do what you want them to do. Recall that the carrot is just an incentive to do a desired behavior. Blue line is giving them the request and giving them time, space, support to carry out the request on their own. The hope is that over time, they will develop internal motivation, inspired by their successes of doing something completely on their own, not because you coerced them. Example. A line: Take a shower. If you take a shower, I will give you this nice salty carrot. B line: It's shower time, turn off the TV and let's go to the bathroom. If there's no response, wait it out, possibly join him in what he is doing for a while and request again. Be sincere, any manipulation or fake behavior will be picked up on. Maybe offer assistance to turn off tv or ask if he will do it on his own. If he says no and sticks to it, honor the request. You could then mention that he may start to stink if he doesn't take a shower on a daily basis (natural consequence), not being mean about, just matter of fact. Try again the next night...next night... soon he will realize that you are not trying to control him, just trying to help him. If he finally decides to go to the bathroom on his own, yay! Now you can offer any accomodations to make the process of taking a shower less of an anxiety provoking event. Stay there and offer any assistance (adjusting temp, offering soap, offering towel, etc), don't have any expectations on how things should go, just be there for your kid.” What she is referring to is called “Holding The Space” |
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I don't use the carrot in the stick method for anything - my ex husband always did - and I find the idea disrespectful.
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Carrot "on" a stick.....
Sorry, can't seem to edit on the phone... |
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I don't use the carrot in the stick method for anything - my ex husband always did - and I find the idea disrespectful. How would you describe the method you use to motivate another? |
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I just talk to him about life and responsibility. I ask him how I can help him, and what he thinks he needs.
I am home this week, so I got him out of bed at 11 am, and had him start working on the house. I don't have the answers, it's a work in progress.. I do know how much I resented that whole carrot on a stick thing my ex used to do.. It was impossible, I found, to ever actually GET the carrot. |
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Edited by
SimpyComplicated
on
Tue 11/22/16 03:59 AM
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Obviously you ex wasnt a very good example of carrot and stick motivation.
He dangled the carrot then punished with the stick by withholding the carrot. that certainly isnt going to achieve any long term motivation. Even when done right motivating with carrot or stick is of only limited benefit because it is external motivation, the real gain is when he is motivated internally and not dependant on you for motivation. Finding the right insentive to use as the carrot is half the trick. Rarely is the stick a better option than the carrot Sounds like you are off to a good start a bit of research on "Holding the space" may be helpful. Its a concept I have only just heard of |
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He is still trying to figure that out. I think he inherited a bit of my capacity to be a dreamer. I grew out of it, to an extent - and realized I needed to make money to survive. He thinks, because he does not want to have kids, that he doesn't need to make money (his words, not mine). He doesn't want to have a "soul $ucking" job. He's not interested in plumbing, tho - he shows potential for it - having worked on my house (self taught). I understand where he's coming from, but I do not think he has a firm grip on reality. I don't know many people who want to slave away each day for just enough money to survive -but sometimes that's what it comes down to. He's been reclusive since his return, staying in his room and making it awkward for me to try and talk to him. I think he is right in not wanting a soul sucking job. For that very reason he would be well advised to make himself as capable as he can so that he can be more able to choose what he does with his life and create a life that he values |
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What did I call it??
An unmitigated travesty... but whadaya gonna do? Let them back in!! |
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Obviously you ex wasnt a very good example of carrot and stick motivation. He dangled the carrot then punished with the stick by withholding the carrot. that certainly isnt going to achieve any long term motivation. Even when done right motivating with carrot or stick is of only limited benefit because it is external motivation, the real gain is when he is motivated internally and not dependant on you for motivation. Finding the right insentive to use as the carrot is half the trick. Rarely is the stick a better option than the carrot Sounds like you are off to a good start a bit of research on "Holding the space" may be helpful. Its a concept I have only just heard of Very true and I see more what you are talking about. Some sort of reward system to get him going. A short term goal which leads to another... And so on... 
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He is still trying to figure that out. I think he inherited a bit of my capacity to be a dreamer. I grew out of it, to an extent - and realized I needed to make money to survive. He thinks, because he does not want to have kids, that he doesn't need to make money (his words, not mine). He doesn't want to have a "soul $ucking" job. He's not interested in plumbing, tho - he shows potential for it - having worked on my house (self taught). I understand where he's coming from, but I do not think he has a firm grip on reality. I don't know many people who want to slave away each day for just enough money to survive -but sometimes that's what it comes down to. He's been reclusive since his return, staying in his room and making it awkward for me to try and talk to him. I think he is right in not wanting a soul sucking job. For that very reason he would be well advised to make himself as capable as he can so that he can be more able to choose what he does with his life and create a life that he values Well that's easier said than done, but I agree. I think a lot of people have their dream job, and then a lot of us make the best of what we have. I want him to be happy, but I also want him to be independent. I am on vacation this week, and focused on getting him re-focused. Step one is getting him out of bed before 2 in the afternoon. |
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At one of my first jobs I remember being told by an older and wiser guy.
"If you can't take pride in what you are doing you have nothing." Even if you despise what you are doing you can still take pride in getting it done as you prepare yourself for better things |
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I couldn't agree more!
I'm not sure he gets that just yet, but he does a bit. He was doing pretty well at his last job. :) Sometimes, we lose our motivation - I just need to be sure he gets his back! 
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Update: My son is doing better. They thru out the DUI, so he just has to deal with the DMV --- and seems to be re-inspired to tackle life!
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Update: My son is doing better. They thru out the DUI, so he just has to deal with the DMV --- and seems to be re-inspired to tackle life! Great to hear this update!!! Hope the momentum continues for you and your son!! |
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Thank you! Me too!! :-)
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Good to hear
I trust you are holding some space for yourself now |
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Sorry I am not going to read all the thread but I will say if you have an adult child who has so few life skills that he can not get out of bed, get at least some kind of job, can't be responsible enough to get there even if it is walking then as a parent you have to face facts that you have failed and either do your job or find someone who will.
Your |
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