Not everyone that has wronged you should be forgiven.

I am not God or Jesus Christ. I am a man. My life is based on the culmination of my experiences. I can forgive but there are some things I know I should not forgive. Most people tell me I must forgive to have peace. That is a lie. This is why...

When someone does something against your morals, your beliefs or well-being the act hurts the trust that you have for them. The experiences you learn from that violation of trust remain in your life experience. It changes your perception of them.

Knowing that lack of understanding each other or lack of personal judgement can cause some hurt, forgiveness allows us to try to regain that trust in the offending person. The violation is already in your life so now you watch for a repeat. You have gain wisdom.

The important thing to know is that when you forgive someone for something bad they did to you, you are expecting them to not continue the same behavior.

Anyone that continues the offensive acts after you forgive them is not worthy of forgiveness. If you are constantly being hurt by them and then forgive them and it continues to happen over and over, it was not a mistake on their part, it is a mistake on your part.

The truth is that some people, by nature, are untrustworthy. Some people enjoy others pain. To forgive them for their transgressions against you repeatedly is insanity.

People tell me that I must forgive all those that violated me. Some I do forgive but the ones that repeatedly violated me will not be forgiven. I put them out of my life, where they belong.

When meeting someone or dating someone new they will do things, say things that are against your sense of morality. You use that sense of morality to judge whether that person is trustworthy. The saying 'Don't Judge Me' or 'I don't judge anyone' is a lie. Everyone judges everyone all the time. It is how we select the people we choose to have near us.

Poor judgement when meeting someone often leads to a need for forgiveness. If you find that you constantly need to forgive someone you allowed close to you there is error in your judgement during the selection process. If there is an isolated incident in your relationship with them and they never repeat it then forgiveness is justified and they are worthy of it. Isolated incidents do happen. Usually from some lack of communication or honesty.

If you are communicating with someone you just met the first time. Online or IRL. Everything seems to be working out just right. If you find that they lied to you about something vital to your selection process, you end the relationship or you forgive them. Here at this online dating site we expect to make judgements based on what the person of interest shares in their profile and, if participating, things they write in the community forums. We look at their picture, read their stats, try to understand them. All to make a judgement on whether we want to get to know them better. If you lie about things in your online personality you are being dishonest. Dishonesty is a terrible way to start a relationship with someone.

Consider this:
I don't want your constant forgiveness, I am who I am.
I don't want to need to forgive anyone, You are who you are.
If you lie to me, you are not worthy to be close to me.
I will not lie to you but you may not like the truth.

There is only one person on this planet that you need to forgive...YOURSELF
Just be sure you know what you are forgiving yourself for. Do you really understand yourself or are you deluded? How can you make proper judgements if you do not even know yourself? Self-honesty is both terrible and enlightening. Only you can be you, it's your choice.

Perception is reality.

For me, forgiveness isn't about trust

I can know someone is a thief, and forgive them for having stolen, without having to believe they will or have to stop stealing


for me, forgiveness, is just not carrying around the weight of negative emotions like anger or blame

cautiousness, is not negative,, to me

Only you can carry around those emotions.

Only you can give yourself permission to allow those emotions to affect your perception of life.



I know theives, many of them. Some steal your wealth, some your heart and some your personality.

Forgiveness is a personal thing you do within yourself. If that theif is in your life and stealing from you, property, loved ones or vitality, do you really forgive them even if they keep on doing it?



Anger is healthy. It is conflict and we need conflict to learn. Things make me angry sometimes. If the anger is caused by someone else, are you angry at them or yourself for not making the correct judgements when selecting them into your life?

Blame is an invalid emotion. Blame is our ability to believe that someone else is or was in control of you. It is an excuse we try to tell ourselves to justify our own lack of judgement.



I disagree with this thinking. It is about trust. True forgiveness is trusting in your judgement that it won't happen again. Trusting in someone else that they will not hurt you ever again. Trusting that you will not make the same incorrect judgements that caused forgiveness to be needed in the first place. It is all about trust.

Its easier to forgive others when you realise that just like you they will always act in a way that is true to who they are just as you act in a way that is true to yourself.

There is nothing saying you cant forgive another and remove them as best you can from your circle of influence.

Forgiveness allows you to get on with your life while not forgetting to put in place defence strategies

It is generally foolish to trust another unless you have good reason too.

It is wise to trust your capability to judge others and learn to deal with them rather than try to control others or seek revenge on them.

Seeking revenge is often like doing the same to them as they did to you and expecting a different outcome

So, should I forgive the lack of brevity in a long-winded post?

You don't need to, it wasn't "long winded," it was necessarily the length it was. Because this is a very complicated subject.

I agree with most of the opening post. I have suffered greatly in the past, because I tried to forgive people as a policy, instead of as this thread describes well, as a carefully thought out strategy for living. Bravo.

I want to add, that at least one of the reasons why many people have big problems with forgiving themselves or others, is that we are accidentally taught from the time we are kids, that all there is to forgiving someone, is saying something like "olly olly Oxonfree," and then going back to acting the way we did before.

But anyone who has been held an emotional hostage by a mate, after a mistake of some kind, knows that someone SAYING they forgive you, is nothing. ACTUAL forgiveness doesn't happen, in my experience, until the person who was wronged, comes to see the other person's side of things enough to almost agree with them in some way. Not agree to cheating or whatever, but a least agree that the mistake was intended to be something positive.

In short, I have come to see that Forgiveness is NOT an act of individual will. It is the result of effort, yes, but it also requires learning and dynamic interactions that aren't under the individuals control. Sometimes even when one wants to forgive, and the other wants very much to somehow earn that forgiveness, it still wont happen unless and until, all of the lessons and understandings needed due to the exact "infraction," have been fulfilled in both people.