I got home from work today.

Wheeeeeeeee!

I was buzzing with energy.

Carol, my hard of hearing wife, was standing there, I said to her, "How do you fancy some super sex?"

She said, "Oh, OK. I'll just have the soup."

HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman

George Bush, always good for a laugh.

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

A drunk gets up from the bar and staggers to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

Almost immediately after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Sitting in the village tavern, the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. So he quietly follows them.

The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on and stroll back into the tavern.

The policeman, thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, he says to them, "Excuse me, I couldn't help seeing you and your wife making fantastic love, out back. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago son, that fence wasn't electrified."

So simple, but so funny.

Great. Humour has everything going for it. Stay safe and I'll try to keep finding funny things to post.

A Japanese couple are arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki Mojitaka."

Wife replies: "Kowanini Mowi Janakpa."

Husband, angrily: "Toka a anji arodi roumi yakoo."

Wife, on her knees, begging: "Mimi Nakoundinda tinkouji."

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji."

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!

You don't know any Japanese.

You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.

Sometimes I worry about you.

You're in need of serious help.

Great. That's what I want to hear. Keep laughing. That virus does not have a sense of humour. We'll beat it yet.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are talking as they are dressing for breakfast.

The 6 year old says, "I think that it's time we started to use bad language and start swearing like adults."

The 4 year old replied, "Yea, that's a good idea."

They went down to breakfast, where their mum said to the 6 year old, "What would you like for breakfast?"

The 6 year old said, "Oh, damn mum, I'll just have some coco-pops."

THWACK!

The 6 year old flew across the kitchen floor, jumped up and ran upstairs bawling his eyes out.

Mum turned to the 4 year old and said, "And what do YOU want for breakfast?"

The 4 year old replied, "I don't think I want any of those bloody coco-pops."

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts likehell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!' 'Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies.'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to doabout it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lotquicker and better than a doctor and you get Tesco Club card points as well'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five euros and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturb * ted into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five euros, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

> > i) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

> > ii) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

> > iii) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

> > iv) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

> > v) Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.

> > vi) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

> > get better.........

> > Thank you for shopping at Tesco

A guy sticks his round the door of the barber's shop and asks, "How long for a haircut?"

The barber replies, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A day or two later, the same guy sticks his round the door and asks, "How long for a haircut?"

"About an hour and a half." replies the barber.

The guy doesn't wait and leaves.

The next day, the same guy asks the same question and the barber answers, "Probably about two hours."

When the guy leaves, the barber asks one of his customers, "Do me a favour, go out after that guy and see what he is up to."

About five minutes later the customer returns and laughing, he says, "He's just gone round to your house".

A farmer gets a random visit from the Fair Employment department of his local council.

He asks, "Can you tell me about the people working on this farm and their income and benefits?"

The farmer answers, "Well, there's Sam, he's the charge hand. He earns 200 per week of 40 hours and has the use of the cottage at the back of the farm".

He continues, "Also, there is Claire, she's the housekeeper. She works also a 40 hour week and earns 150 and she has her own, rent free room in the main house".

Going on he says, "And there's Charlie. He is the farm's dogs buddy. He works about 60 hours per week and gets hardly any wages at all. Every now and again he get a treat in the form of sleeping with the farmer's wife".

The inspector's ears twitched at this information and he said, "I would very much like to speak with this person."

The farmer replied, "Well now. That'll be me you'll be wanting."

It should have read "Fornication and suckingtits"

The parson got up onto the pulpit and without his glasses started to read the sermon.

"Fornication and sucking ****."

The words made him think twice about reading anymore without his glasses.

He reached into his pocket and put on his glasses.

He said to the congregation, "Sorry, I'll read that again."

"For all occasions such as this".

funny

A kid shouts up the house to his mum, "Mum! There's an idiot looking through our keyhole."

Mum shouts back, "Can you see their eye looking back at you?"

Kid replies, "I can see both their eyes."

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"


Don't laugh, the man won

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

"I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."