A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?".

"I fell through a glass window," explains the man.

The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Nose to nose,

His toes are in it.

Toes to toes,

His nose is in it.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin."

His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?"

The man says: "Her twin brother has a beard."

Young boy and young girl sharing a bath.

He says to her, "Can I duck you?"

She replies, outraged, "NO YOU CANNOT and besides, you can't even say it right."

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Poodle peeing on your leg?

You let the Rottweiler finish.

A famous lady TV celebrity, doing work for a charity, visited an old folks home.

One old lady came up close and stared straight into her face.

The TV woman said, "Do you know who I am?"

"No", said the old lady, "but if you ask matron, she'll tell you."

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window."

The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Hello son. I'm writing this letter really slowly, because I know you can't read too fast.

I have included three socks in the envelope, because in your last letter you said that you had grown another foot.

I would have sent you some money, but I had sealed the envelope before I remembered.

Your loving mum.

PS. Did I tell you about your auntie Marge. She is sick all the time. I can't believe she's not better. YM.

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard jigsaw puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, let's get these corn flakes back in the box."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

While getting changed at a local swimming pool, I noticed that Barlow, my best friend, was wearing a bra.

I said, "Crikey Barlow, how long have you been wearing a bra?"

He replied, "Ever since my wife found it in the glovebox."

I was telling my neighbour that I had got a really expensive camera for my wife.

He said, "That was a good swap."

Don't worry, it's part of the put-down syndrome.

The guy who was walking along the street, with one foot in the gutter and the other on the footpath. He said something like, "They were both the same length when I left home." The guy who was listening to this, got up from his seat and limped away, mumbling about racism.

Humour is different for everyone.

I am not sure what this is called, I do know that there are many verses. Maybe some readers will be able to add some new ones. I know two. Please be welcome to add the ones I know to be around somewhere. It starts:-

Twas on the good ship Venus,

By God you should've seen us,

The figurehead,

Was a nude in bed,

And the mast was the captains penis.



The cabin boys name was Nipper,

In truth he was a ripper,

He stuffed hisass,

With broken glass,

And circumcised the skipper



Please add more.

At an English county cricket match, during a quiet interval in play, a streaker jumped out of the crowd and ran across the ground.

Some people laughed, some frowned, some shouted for the police to be called and some looked away, embarrassed.

When things had calmed down, after the incident, a TV presenter, was interviewing some of the crowd.

He came across two elderly ladies and asked them, "Well, ladies, did you see the streaker?"

Both of the ladies giggled and nodded, "Yes, wasn't it fun?"

The TV presenter than asked, "I suppose you nearly had a stroke?"

One lady replied, "Oh no sonny, we were too far away."

There once was a young man from Kent,

Whose penis was terribly bent,

So to save him some trouble,

He put it in double,

But instead of coming he went.

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL LET YOU TRY IT OUT.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER FOR A BACKUP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And the No. 1 reason:

1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN

In the pub last night, my mate asked me, "How's your wife doing these days?"

I replied, "I never ask her."

"Why not?" he asked.

I said, "I don't want to interrupt her".