Confucius says:-

Man who go to bed with sexual problem in mind, usually wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius says:-

Woman who takes breakfast to man in bed, might get titbit.

On a family outing, mum and dad were riding on the bike and son was traveling in the sidecar.

"Dad, what's that?" said the son.

"You tell 'im." says mum

"Dad, do you know how many yellow cars we have passed?"

"You tell 'im." says mum

"Dad, how long before we get there?"

"You tell 'im." says mum

Dad says to the son, "If you open your mouth once more on this journey, I'll scalp your hide."

When they eventually arrive at their destination, dad looks round and screams at the son, "Where's your mother?"

"She fell off about 5 miles back"

"Oh well", he says, "Could have been worse. I thought I'd gone deaf."

Monroe and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Monroe would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Monroe, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Monroe and Martha went to the fair and Monroe said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Monroe, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Monroe and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Monroe, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Monroe replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

I used to be on a seafood diet.

When I see food I eat it.

A guy storms into the bar. "Where's that ba(*%d Paddy"

Barman says, "He's over there"

The guy says to Paddy, "You said my wife has a wart on her vagina."

Paddy replied, "Don't get so annoyed. What I said was, that it felt like a wart on your wife's vagina."

You know why women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.




Sorry.

A blonde bought a 9 foot Christmas tree.

When she tried to put it up, it was too tall.

So, she cut 15 inches off the top.

Someone gave my mate Denzil a Kango hammer.

He thought it was a vibrator.

Knocked all his front teeth out.

David comes home after an evening at his girlfriend's, displaying a bruised and blackening eye.

His father asks, "What happened to you?"

"Sarah's father hit me."

"What? Right. We'll go round there right away."

"No dad. It's OK."

"We'll go NOW."

The two head off to Sarah's father's house.

At the door, Sarah's father meets them, "Ah salom, come in."

David's father starts, "What do you mean, hitting my boy?"

"Well, you know, I'm a pretty liberal guy and when I entered the room where the two youngsters were sitting and David had his hand up Sarah's dress."

David's father butted in, "Ah, so then you hit him?"

"No, no. You got to let the kids do what the kids do."

He continued, "A short time later I entered the room and David was banging my daughter, against the piano."

David's father butted in, "Ah, so then you hit him?"

"No, no. You got to let the kids do what the kids do."

Sarah's father went on, "I left the room for a short while and when I returned, then I hit him." "Oy vey. Wiping his cock on the curtains, he was. 25 dollars a yard."

In the late 1950's, Bobby calls to take Peggy Sue out on a first date.

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"

"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

AM STILL LAUGHING.

DYNAMITE I LOVE IT.

A two seater Cessna, travelling from Dublin to Shannon, crashed into a cemetry.

The local news station reported that, rescuers had already uncovered 26 bodies.

The news report went on to say, that it was expected that there would be more bodies, since they were continuing the search well into the night.

An American lady visiting Scotland had heard a rumour about Scotsmen and their kilts.

She couldn't contain her impatience and when she met an elderly, kilt wearing Scotsman, she asked, "Please excuse my curiosity, but can you tell me what's worn under the kilt?"

The Scotsman replied, "Should you be lucky enough for me to allow you to have personal experience, you will find that there is nothing worn under the kilt. It is all in perfect working condition."

You are so very complimental.

Strangely enough, you would not believe it, but my last job, before I retired, was just that.

A man who suffered a bit with ED, told his doctor about the situation.

The doctor suggested that if he could get his wife to do a bit of moaning, that it might get him aroused.

Some nights later, the man and his wife are making love, when the man said to his wife, "Would you do a bit of moaning?"

The wife replied, "I've told you ten times that this ceiling needs a coat of paint".





"coitus interruptus"

After a busy day at work, I was determined to have a relaxing evening.

I think I would start by taking my wife's knickers off.

The bloody elastic is killing me.

Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.

How many are there in each boat?

Really?

It is obvious.

There are eight oarsmen and their cox.

Can you add?

How many does that make?

Answers on a postcard to an address given down below.

Clue. Don't go looking.

Ha ha ha.

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-hu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 126 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.