A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around so he went to a psychiatrist.

The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem.

The doctor gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which he read on the way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he told her, "From now on I'm the man of this house and my word is law. When I come ho me from work I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker," she replied.

These questions all answered by women.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.



ANON.

Two guys immigrate to America.

On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights.

As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry.

They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.

One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?"

"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approach the vendor bravely.

"Two hot dogs, please."

The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks.

The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch.

One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says,

"Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

A guy is walking along the road, carrying a woman on his back, when he is stopped by the police.

The police ask, "What are you up to sir?"

The guy replies, "I'm going to a fancy dress ball".

The policeman asks, "What are you going as?"

The guy replies, "I'm going as a tortoise" and pointing at the woman on his back, he says "and this is Michelle".

I didn't know, but apparently the Sex Pistols did a version of it. Never was a fan.

The cook her name was Mabel,

By Jove was she able

She gave the crew

Their daily screw

Under the kitchen table.

NUISANCE PHONECALLS



THEY PUT THE BILLS UP.

Good one.

Ma was talking to her three kids, sitting around the dinner table.

She said, I'm going to ask you all a question and I want you to answer one at a time."

"Right, who wants to be a fireman? Remember one at a time."

"Me Ma" "Me Ma" "Me Ma".

A dwarf visits his doctor because of a painful rash on his privates.

He tells that doctor that it only comes when it has been raining.

The doctor tells him to come back on a rainy day.

A few days later, it is raining, so the dwarf goes to see his doctor.

When he enters the surgery, the doctor tells him to take off his footwear and jump onto the couch.

The doctor takes his footwear and goes into another room.

A minute later the doctor returns to the patient and tells him, "I've found the problem and I have cured you."

The dwarf says, "How have you cured me?"

The doctor says, "I've cut 2 inches off the top of your water boots"

What's black and crispy and hangs off the ceiling?

An apprentice electrician.

Good laugh.

A circuit board went to the Power Supply and said, "I've lost an electron."

The Power Supply said. "Are you sure?"

The circuit board replied, "I'm positive".

Or if we are joke surfing.

Two boiled eggs, a boy and a girl, were having sex. The boy boiled egg says, "Look out for the big spoon. The last time I got this hard, someone hit me over the head with one."

Wish I could think of ones like this. Very funny. Thanks.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?


A Stick.

Two dwarves, playing the slots in Las Vegas, win a fortune. So, not having much of a sex life, they decide to blow a lot of money on some sexy bed mates.

One of the dwarves has trouble getting hard. Only made worse by being able to hear his close friend through the wall, shouting, "Hup, one, two, three, hup, one, two, three." Almost all night long.

It was most embarrassing.

At breakfast next morning, they discuss the night's events.

One dwarf says, "It was such an embarrassing night, I spent all that money and couldn't even get hard."

The other dwarf said, cynically, "You should be so sorry for yourself. I couldn't even get up onto the bed."

I was camping with my mate Denzil.

I woke at about 4 am and thought I should wake Denzil.

I said, "Are you awake Denzil?"

A sleepy voice came back to me in the darkness, "Yeah,,,,, what do you want?"

I continued, "Have a look up and tell me what you see."

Denzil, obviously peering up into the darkness said, "On a beautiful cloudy night, you can see the moon, gliding through the clouds, like a ghostly ship in the night. A sight only visible when the elements come together to make such a beautiful scene."

I said, "For F$*&k sake Denzil, someone's stolen our tent."

This guy goes for a medical test and the nurse tells him to strip off and put on a gown.

He is not quite stripped when she returns. She comments, "My word sir, that's a fine looking pair of brown balls you have."

He replies, grumbling, "Just never worry about my balls. They're none of your business."

The doctor who is going to examine him, asks him to remove the gown and immediately says, "My word sir, that's a fine looking pair of brown balls you have."

The guy replies, grumbling, "Just never worry about my balls. They're none of your business."

After the examination the guy returns home, exhausted and irritable. As he is walking along the hallway, he trips over a child's toy and swears. Then he hollers at his wife, "DO YOU NEVER TIDY THIS PLACE?"

She replies, "You don't know what it's like looking after two kids, I've hardly time to wipe my arse."

He says, "AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT."

Great.