Could only be a woman.

I heard it said, that a long time ago the MEN from Chester all got together and went to Manchester.

Roughly about the same time, all the WOMEN from Chester got together and they are still getting ready.

A young lad got a job in a general store and on his first day the boss told him to stay close, so that he could learn a bit about the business.

A customer came in and the boss asked the customer, "Can I help you, sir?"

The customer replied, "Yes, thankyou, I need a packet of grass seed."

"Just a second, sir", said the boss and to the new lad he said, "Just watch and listen."

When the boss brought the customer a packet of grass seed, he said, "You'll be needing a lawnmower soon after sowing these seeds."

"Ah, yes", said the customer, "Can you sell me one?"

"Of course", said the boss and sold the customer a new lawnmower.

When the customer went, the boss turned to the young lad and said, "You see, I took the opportunity to sell that customer a lawnmower, on the strength of his purchase of grass seed."

Shortly after another customer came in, obviously shopping for his wife, because he asked for a packet of tampons.

The young lad said to the boss, "I'll get this customer." To the customer he said, "Yes certainly sir. Could I interest you in a new lawnmower?"

The boss held his head and wondered if this young lad was up to the job of salesman. I mean this was embarrassing.

The young lad came back to the pay desk and told the boss, "Will you charge this man for a packet of tampons and a lawnmower."

The boss was gobsmacked.

When the customer left the shop the boss said to the young lad, "I don't know how you did that, but it was a good sale. Can you explain how you sold that man a lawnmower?"

"Well," said the young lad, "I told him that since his wife was using tampons, his weekend was ruined, he might as well cut the grass."

Biblical jokes are fun.

A bit like:- When was there a mention of the earliest motorbike?

It was when the Bible reported that David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Probably needed the silencer repaired.

OR

What stretches most, skin or elastic?

It must be skin, for it says in the Bible that Moses tied hisass to a tree and then walked 40 miles into the desert.

TWANG

Almost forgot folks.

Have a great Merry Christmas.

Stay safe until that vaccine gets to you.

A guy talking to his doctor says, "This headache has me demented. I can't think straight. I can't drive because of it."

The doctor replied, "I am a bit like you in that case. I sometimes get a headache that would stop me coming to work. On those days when it is really bad, I would make love with my wife, as many times as I could manage, throughout the day and that seems to work for me. You should try that."

Some weeks later the same man visits the doctor again. The doctor begins, "Well, how are you these days? Did you get a chance to try out my advice for your headache?"

The man replies, "Yes sure and it worked just like you said and if I may say so, you've got a lovely house."

I love jokes with a twist. To read some of mine, it would make you wonder.

Abe and Dan were retired from work and went fishing every day.

They had a favourite spot on the river where they would set up their fishing gear and wile away the hours chatting and sometimes, fishing.

Every day since they retired. Well over ten years ago.

Until Tesday the 14th. Dan didn't turn up.

Abe was a bit concerned, but when Dan didn't turn up for the second day, Abe was really worried.

A week later, Tuesday the 21st, Dan turned up at the fishing spot.

Abe was all excited, "Oh Dan, it's good to see you again. I was worried that you might have died."

"No nothing like that", said Dan. "I got married."

Abe was flabbergasted, "Married? How did you meet her? When did you meet her?"

"She works in the fishing tackle shop and we just hit it off".

Abe said. "Do you love her?"

"Not really", said Dan

"Is she s good cook?"

"Not really", said Dan

"So, what is the attraction?" said Abe.

"She's got worms."

Me, I can't see the point in wrestling, when it's all in.

I suppose I would have been well advised to have used the word VAGINA. Anyway, those were Adam's words, not mine.

When God had finished providing each nation with their own identity and awarding them with international recognition, for instance, the Australians with their kangaroos and the Russians with their bears, there were two countries left that had yet to find their destiny. That was the Arabs and the Irish.

There were only two resources remaining. Oil and potatoes.

The Irish got first choice.

YES. Exactly, but you got to be able to pee standing up. Ha ha ha.

A tall lorry got stuck under a low bridge.

When the policeman said to the driver of the lorry, "So, you got stuck, then?"

The driver answered, "Oh no not me. I was delivering this bridge and just stopped here to enjoy the view."

Apologies to all offended. It is in the dictionary, or google it.

God said to Adam, "I've got to go to the bank, can you look after the garden til I get back?"

Adam replied, "Of course Lord."

God came back about an hour later and said to Adam, "Well how did things go while I was away?"

Adam replied, "Well Lord, while you were away, Eve and I discovered sex."

The Lord said, "And how did that go?"

Adam said, "Oh Lord it was beautiful."

God said, "And where is Eve now?"

Adam said, "She's down at the river, washing her minge."

God, holding His head, said, "Oh, No, that's just not what we want the fish to smell of."

When God had finished making the Earth, He went back to the Garden of Eden where Adam and Eve were living.

He produced a large sack and reached his hand inside.

He said, "Now that I've finished making the Earth, I've got a few things left over. There might be something here that you would like to have."

Adam and Eve came close, "Oh yes please, what have you got?"

God reached into the sack and said, "OK, who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam says, "Oh yes me me me, please."

GOd says, "There you are then."

"OK Eve, let's see what we've got left. Ah, here we are, Multiple Orgasms."

Why does that not surprise me about insurance companies. I worked with a guy who arrived at work one day, absolutely fuming. He explained what had happened the day before. As he was driving to work, a car coming the other direction, crossed the centre line of the road and ploughed into his car. Completely wrecking it. Turned out the guy in the other car had had a heart attack and died as he collided with my friend. He had contacted the insurance company, only to find that because the other guy was dead, at the time of the accident, he was no longer insured. My friend had to pay all the expenses for the wrecked car, including the hire-purchase payments that were still outstanding.
My wife used to say that insurance was a scam.

A taxi driver pulled up at the side of the road and calls to a child standing there.

"Do me a favour sonny, run over the road and get me a newspaper".

The kid replied, "Sorry mister, I'm not allowed to cross the road".

So the taxi driver had to run over himself.

I went to visit my cousin.

She lives up the M4.

I couldn't find the M4.

So, I went up the M2 twice.

Still didn't find her.