I was just thinking about you and your kindness. It is also refreshing to have support coming from an intelligent, caring male who understands the damage this kind of abuse does to women. Thank you again-your insight means more than you will ever know.

I like this topic of 'real love doesn't hurt'. I can remember when a lady showed me the one person hug. It was her way of hugging because she just didn't trust men because she had been hurt. You just hug yourself and they hug themselves. You both do it at the same time.

I like that idea

Just found this. Might help some with building self-esteem and confidence

Very good-I'll be using "this"!!

Good idea

Every little bit helps!

I still find myself struggling with the aftermath of the violence brought upon me. I want to thank all my fellow minglers that shared on this thread and gave their advice. It means so much to me, and I'm sure means a lot to others. Thanks again, and God bless you all.

In terms of mental or physical aftermath?

Thanks for asking. Mental aftermath. Flashbacks, fear, sadness, anger. I haven't seen him since the beating. Yes, I did press charges. The physical part has healed. It's the mental that goes on and on.

This is perfectly normal so please don't beat yourself up about it. This is why the EMDR treatment woks so much better than traditional counseling. It literally disconnects those events from your emotions, so you will still remember them, but they won't effect you in any way. I'll see what I can dig up in my files to help you with what you're coping with.

First of all don't feel guilty, it's not your fault, and you aren't responsible for anything he did to you.

At all.

Do not take the blame that isn't yours. Its time now to do whats best for you.


Above all else remember this:

You deserve to be happy!

Your lucky to be out of that relationship.

Now you can grow and move on to someone who truly values you and loves you for who you are on the inside! Hopefully THIS link will help

Unless you've suffered abuse, it's hard to explain to people how it affects you. It's easy to say "don't blame yourself", and while logically I may know that I didn't deserve the abuse, it doesn't help the feelings of guilt that I continue to harbor. Because I let him! I could have walked away when it started and I chose to stay and let him treat me like crap for years! Why? How stupid am I? These are the thoughts that haunt me.

Eventually I finally woke up and walked away. I thought that was the hard part. Boy was I wrong! How do I allow myself to believe me that a fine, upstanding, decent guy could ever love me when a piece of trash like that couldn't? How can I trust my judgement of men when I was obviously so mistaken about him? I mean, he didn't seem like he was going to be abusive when it started. I fell in love with him and then the abuse started. How do you learn to forgive and forget when you don't know how or why it happened? I never thought it'd happen to me, and now I don't know how to forgive myself for allowing it to occur. It's been seventeen long, mostly lonely years since the abuse and it still hasn't let go of my heart, and I honestly don't think it ever will.

My heart was shattered. Doesn't seem fair to offer it now to a good guy. He deserves better, not one patched back together with duct tape and Crazy glue. Hell, I don't even know if the damn thing works anymore. And I never wanted to be one of those shoddy salesmen that could sell ya a bridge to nowhere, so I keep that puppy locked up tight. At least this way the only one I'm hurting is myself!

I am so sorry...

AngelArs...
Thank you for those links, from all of us

I am so sorry for your grief, pain, and the abuse you endured. You are so right, walking away is not easy. And I still loved him at the time. Still do love the good side anyway. If there was one? I thought we would grow old together. I thought he was it. I still have to keep getting out the photo of my beaten face every single time I even THINK about calling him or loving him. Like this thread says, "Real love doesn't hurt." God bless you and may you get through your pain and overcome!

YOU can only make decisions based on the information that you have at the time.

When you love someone people tend to make excuses for their behavior, we always want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You could NOT have walked away! You literally were being brainwashed by your abuser. That brainwashing systematically chips and wears away at your self confidence, your self-worth, your trust, your self-concept, and yes, your self-esteem. This type of abuse may not leave physical bruises, but it scars your very soul and it cuts to the core of the person, it may even leave deep emotional scars, causing feelings of worthlessness. You must always remember that you are NEVER responsible for your partners abusive actions, no matter what anyone ever tells you.

Abuse is NOT your fault and you deserve better!

You always have. You always will.


This is easy to answer. A piece of trash will never love you for the woman that you are on the inside. A good guy will!



Because it wasn’t your “judgement” that was wrong. It was the way the abuser treated you. Big difference.

As mentioned before, when you hear the same words often enough, it has a brainwashing effect on you. The first time your partner calls you ugly or worthless it will hurt a lot, but if they keep doing it over time, you will get used to hearing it. If it happens often enough for a long enough period of time, you will start subconsciously believing it yourself. Your abuser treated you more like a pet than a human being. It is very common for anyone who was abused to feel guilty and that “it’s their fault” even though it wasn't. It is important to stress that experiencing abuse is NEVER your fault. Please remember that.


You didn’t allow anything to happen!

That’s NOT how brainwashing is. You were manipulated. Now it’s time to get your power back. Today is the first day to the rest of your life. Many people around you care about you and will help you through this. If you need any kind of help feel free to contact me. You have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.




Shouldn’t that be HIS choice if he sees your inner beauty?

You are free now. You have options. You deserve to be loved.

Thank you che_. Appreciate it. Just trying to help

Thanks girls.

You know, it's strange. I say that I don't hurt anymore, that I've let it go, yet the tears now streaming down my face contradict that statement. I don't even know where they're coming from!! I coulda sworn I had it buried under thirty eight yards of concrete with a fourteen foot high brick wall built on top, just to be on the safe side, but I guess it can still get to the surface every so often. I read one thread, share my experience and now I'm a bawl baby.

I try to look on the bright side. While I might have a totally FUBAR pulse producer, at least I have a high functioning thought producer to offset it. I might not be lovable, but I can use my extremely vivid imagination to pretend I am! Living a solitary existence has it's advantages!

I'm sure you're completely lovable and eager to be loved by a good man, why wouldn't you be. You certainly paid your dues and deserve it so much.... good luck to you sincerely. AngelArs has so much wisdom, and encouraging words... read his suggestions, I am...