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| Topic: Real Love Doesn't Hurt | |
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Thanks girls.  You know, it's strange. I say that I don't hurt anymore, that I've let it go, yet the tears now streaming down my face contradict that statement. I don't even know where they're coming from!! I coulda sworn I had it buried under thirty eight yards of concrete with a fourteen foot high brick wall built on top, just to be on the safe side, but I guess it can still get to the surface every so often. I read one thread, share my experience and now I'm a bawl baby.    I try to look on the bright side. While I might have a totally FUBAR pulse producer, at least I have a high functioning thought producer to offset it. I might not be lovable, but I can use my extremely vivid imagination to pretend I am! Living a solitary existence has it's advantages!   This thread has helped me to heal just a little bit already. It's okay to cry-I go through such a huge array of emotions over what I've been through. We are here for you. And hopefully you are all here for me. One day at a time we will conquer!!! God bless.  
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AngelArs... Thank you for those links, from all of us Thank you che_. Appreciate it. Just trying to help And I thank you for your words of encouragement as well. I appreciate your compassion. Very much so. I know everything you say is true. I really do. It's just easier said than done. And yes, I'm smart enough to know that you never said it was going to be easy. Is the effort worth the reward? Perhaps. And perhaps one day I'll find out. You asked "shouldn't that be HIS choice if he sees your inner beauty?" Yes, if it was fair for me to make him make that choice. Should I deceive him by going into the relationship not knowing if I'm capable of love? If he falls for me, and I can't respond in kind, he will be hurt. I don't want to do that to anyone. I'm not willing to risk hurting someone else to abolish what I see as a minor pain in my life. I don't see this as a bad thing, most of the time. Brain washed? Maybe. But it was a pretty dirty brain to begin with. Probably coulda used a touch of bleach and a good scrubbing anyways.   Oh I know. Humor is a defense mechanism. I plead guilty. Add it to the list of things wrong with me.  
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You asked "shouldn't that be HIS choice if he sees your inner beauty?" Yes, if it was fair for me to make him make that choice. Don't let your fear manipulate you. You deserve to be loved. When love is in your life you know you will appreciate it, so why not let it happen? Acknowledge your fear and let the man that discovers your heart love you. Should I deceive him by going into the relationship not knowing if I'm capable of love? You have ALWAYS been capable, just never appreciated. A good man will love you AND appreciate you. |
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You asked "shouldn't that be HIS choice if he sees your inner beauty?" Yes, if it was fair for me to make him make that choice. Don't let your fear manipulate you. You deserve to be loved. When love is in your life you know you will appreciate it, so why not let it happen? Acknowledge your fear and let the man that discovers your heart love you. Should I deceive him by going into the relationship not knowing if I'm capable of love? You have ALWAYS been capable, just never appreciated. A good man will love you AND appreciate you. I freely admit my fears. But I'm afraid of hurting someone, not getting hurt. Big difference. I believe that I'm a good person, that a man could and would love me, I'm just not willing to take the chance in disappointing him. I know the feeling after all. Why would I turn around and do that to someone else? Loving someone who doesn't/can't love you back sucks. I'm really okay with my choice, most of the time. I'm a loner. Not the end of the world. Maybe love just isn't for everyone.  |
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But I'm afraid of hurting someone, not getting hurt. Then focus on good communication. Problem solved. I believe that I'm a good person, that a man could and would love me, I'm just not willing to take the chance in disappointing him. In any relationship there's always a chance of disappointment, but just so we're both on the same page: Disappoint: ▸ verb: fail to meet the hopes or expectations of So if your intentions are good, which according to you they would be, and you have GOOD communication in the relationship, then how could you possibly disappoint him? You were hurt very profoundly, it is normal for you to have fears. The key is to not let your fears control your life. If you let that happen, then your abuser still has their hooks in you, and you don't want that. |
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Thanks girls. You know, it's strange. I say that I don't hurt anymore, that I've let it go, yet the tears now streaming down my face contradict that statement. I don't even know where they're coming from!! I coulda sworn I had it buried under thirty eight yards of concrete with a fourteen foot high brick wall built on top, just to be on the safe side, but I guess it can still get to the surface every so often. I read one thread, share my experience and now I'm a bawl baby. I try to look on the bright side. While I might have a totally FUBAR pulse producer, at least I have a high functioning thought producer to offset it. I might not be lovable, but I can use my extremely vivid imagination to pretend I am! Living a solitary existence has it's advantages! This thread has helped me to heal just a little bit already. It's okay to cry-I go through such a huge array of emotions over what I've been through. We are here for you. And hopefully you are all here for me. One day at a time we will conquer!!! God bless. I'm glad this thread can help anyone that has experienced any form of abuse
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Edited by
heartSoul
on
Fri 03/05/10 08:13 PM
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The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence: * Cycle of Violence/Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss." * Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior. * "Normal" behavior – Your abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you hope that your abusive partner has really changed this time. * "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time. * Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality. * Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you. Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real. The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up. |
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If you are being abused, remember:
* You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated. * You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior. * You deserve to be treated with respect. * You deserve a safe and happy life. * Your children deserve a safe and happy life. * You are not alone. There are people waiting to help. |
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Help for abused and battered women: Making the decision to leave
As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind: * If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper. * If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem. * If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave. * If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become. * If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation. |
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Well, it seems my abuser may be in the "set up" stage. He placed an ad on a dating site directed solely to me saying how sorry he was, how he aches without me, blah, blah, blah. The minute I saw it though my heart started hurting again. These abusers have such a control over their victims (survivors). And unless you are in it or have had it done to you, you just don't understand what it's like-it is the worst. God bless you H & S, for caring enough to offer guidance and love.
And God bless any of you out there who are survivors. It's a tough road, but we can do it. Together. 
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Well, it seems my abuser may be in the "set up" stage. He placed an ad on a dating site directed solely to me saying how sorry he was, how he aches without me, blah, blah, blah. The minute I saw it though my heart started hurting again. These abusers have such a control over their victims (survivors). And unless you are in it or have had it done to you, you just don't understand what it's like-it is the worst. God bless you H & S, for caring enough to offer guidance and love. And God bless any of you out there who are survivors. It's a tough road, but we can do it. Together. Yes we can
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Sweet Honey in THE Rock ~ Ella's Song ...
We who BELIEVE in FREEDOM ... CANNOT REST ... UNTIL IT COMES!!! ...  ...  ...We who believe in freedom cannot rest We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes Until the killing of black men, black mothers' sons Is as important as the killing of white men, white mothers' sons That which touches me most is that I had a chance to work with people Passing on to others that which was passed on to me To me young people come first, they have the courage where we fail And if I can but shed some light as they carry us through the gale The older I get the better I know that the secret of my going on Is when the reins are in the hands of the young, who dare to run against the storm Not needing to clutch for power, not needing the light just to shine on me I need to be one in the number as we stand against tyranny Struggling myself don't mean a whole lot, I've come to realize That teaching others to stand up and fight is the only way my struggle survives I'm a woman who speaks in a voice and I must be heard At times I can be quite difficult, I'll bow to no man's word We who believe in freedom cannot rest We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes |
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Sweet Honey in THE Rock ~ Ella's Song ... We who BELIEVE in FREEDOM ... CANNOT REST ... UNTIL IT COMES!!! ... ... ...We who believe in freedom cannot rest We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes Until the killing of black men, black mothers' sons Is as important as the killing of white men, white mothers' sons That which touches me most is that I had a chance to work with people Passing on to others that which was passed on to me To me young people come first, they have the courage where we fail And if I can but shed some light as they carry us through the gale The older I get the better I know that the secret of my going on Is when the reins are in the hands of the young, who dare to run against the storm Not needing to clutch for power, not needing the light just to shine on me I need to be one in the number as we stand against tyranny Struggling myself don't mean a whole lot, I've come to realize That teaching others to stand up and fight is the only way my struggle survives I'm a woman who speaks in a voice and I must be heard At times I can be quite difficult, I'll bow to no man's word We who believe in freedom cannot rest We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes Thank you, Dancere. Great pic by the way.
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And God bless any of you out there who are survivors. It's a tough road, but we can do it. Together. Yes we can YES, We CAN ... CAN!!! ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v894vHM5L4M ...Now's the time for all good men to get together with one another. We got to iron out our problems and iron out our quarrels and try to live as brothers. And try to find a piece of land without stepping on one another. And do respect the women of the world. Remember you all have mothers. We got to make this land a better land than the world in which we live. And we got to help each man be a better man with the kindness that we give. I know we can make it. I know darn well we can work it out. Oh yes we can, I know we can can Yes we can can, why can't we? If we wanna get together we can work it out. And we gotta take care of all the children, the little children of the world. 'cause they're our strongest hope for the future, the little bitty boys and girls. We got to make this land a better land than the world in which we live. And we got to help each man be a better man with the kindness that we give. I know we can make it. I know darn well we can work it out. Oh yes we can, I know we can can yes we can can, why can't we? If we wanna, yes we can can. |
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Edited by
Dancere
on
Sat 03/06/10 01:01 PM
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 ... TY, it's an olde, but inspiring pic... Pre "The Abuse" ... Doh, forgot the song's link ... Sweet Honey in THE Rock ~ Ella's Song ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXy_TW-THCs Sweet Honey in THE Rock ~ Ella's Song ... We who BELIEVE in FREEDOM ... CANNOT REST ... UNTIL IT COMES!!! ... ... ...We who believe in freedom cannot rest We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes Until the killing of black men, black mothers' sons Is as important as the killing of white men, white mothers' sons That which touches me most is that I had a chance to work with people Passing on to others that which was passed on to me To me young people come first, they have the courage where we fail And if I can but shed some light as they carry us through the gale The older I get the better I know that the secret of my going on Is when the reins are in the hands of the young, who dare to run against the storm Not needing to clutch for power, not needing the light just to shine on me I need to be one in the number as we stand against tyranny Struggling myself don't mean a whole lot, I've come to realize That teaching others to stand up and fight is the only way my struggle survives I'm a woman who speaks in a voice and I must be heard At times I can be quite difficult, I'll bow to no man's word We who believe in freedom cannot rest We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes Thank you, Dancere. Great pic by the way. |
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Edited by
heartSoul
on
Sat 03/06/10 12:49 PM
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And God bless any of you out there who are survivors. It's a tough road, but we can do it. Together. Yes we can YES, We CAN ... CAN!!! ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v894vHM5L4M ...Now's the time for all good men to get together with one another. We got to iron out our problems and iron out our quarrels and try to live as brothers. And try to find a piece of land without stepping on one another. And do respect the women of the world. Remember you all have mothers. We got to make this land a better land than the world in which we live. And we got to help each man be a better man with the kindness that we give. I know we can make it. I know darn well we can work it out. Oh yes we can, I know we can can Yes we can can, why can't we? If we wanna get together we can work it out. And we gotta take care of all the children, the little children of the world. 'cause they're our strongest hope for the future, the little bitty boys and girls. We got to make this land a better land than the world in which we live. And we got to help each man be a better man with the kindness that we give. I know we can make it. I know darn well we can work it out. Oh yes we can, I know we can can yes we can can, why can't we? If we wanna, yes we can can. The Pointer Sisters.... Them's my girls!!!!!!!!! |
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MAY THE GIFT OF GOD'S LOVE AND LIGHT FIND EACH ONE OF YOU TO HOLD YOU TIGHT, HELP YOU SLEEP IN PEACE AT NIGHT. TURN ALL THE PAST WRONGS INTO NOW LIVING FREE AND RIGHT. STAND TALL AND PROUD, VOICE YOUR THOUGHTS OUT LAUD IN THIS FIGHT!! MAY your days be sweet your life complete. I LOVE YOU ALL AND THINK YOUR NEAT!!!!   |
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MAY THE GIFT OF GOD'S LOVE AND LIGHT FIND EACH ONE OF YOU TO HOLD YOU TIGHT, HELP YOU SLEEP IN PEACE AT NIGHT. TURN ALL THE PAST WRONGS INTO NOW LIVING FREE AND RIGHT. STAND TALL AND PROUD, VOICE YOUR THOUGHTS OUT LAUD IN THIS FIGHT!! MAY your days be sweet your life complete. I LOVE YOU ALL AND THINK YOUR NEAT!!!! Much love to you, ((((T))))
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Edited by
jlove43
on
Sat 03/06/10 12:53 PM
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MAY THE GIFT OF GOD'S LOVE AND LIGHT FIND EACH ONE OF YOU TO HOLD YOU TIGHT, HELP YOU SLEEP IN PEACE AT NIGHT. TURN ALL THE PAST WRONGS INTO NOW LIVING FREE AND RIGHT. STAND TALL AND PROUD, VOICE YOUR THOUGHTS OUT LAUD IN THIS FIGHT!! MAY your days be sweet your life complete. I LOVE YOU ALL AND THINK YOUR NEAT!!!! I'm going through a REALLY tough time right now and I really needed that. Thank you. And thanks to Dancere and HeartSoul as well. I have been crying my eyes out. He's contacting me again and it's ripping me apart. Just when I thought I had it all together.
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Edited by
heartSoul
on
Sat 03/06/10 01:10 PM
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No More Drama
-Mary J. Blige So tired, tired of these drama No more, no more I wanna be free I'm so tired, so tired Broken heart again Another lesson learn Better know your friends Or else you will get burn Gotta count on me Cause I can guarantee That I'll be fine No more pain (no more pain) No more pain (no more pain) No drama (no more drama in my life) Noone's gonna make me hurt again Why'd I play the fool Go through ups and downs Knowing all the time You wouldn't be around Or maybe I like the stress Cause I was young and restless But that was long ago I don't wanna cry no more No more pain (no more pain, no more pain) No more game (no more game messin with my mind) No drama (no more drama in my life) Nooone's gonna make me hurt again (noo) No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of cryin everynight) No more fears (no more fears, I really don't wanna cry) No drama (no more drama in my life) I don't ever wanna hurt again Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind ok Uh, it feel so good When you let go Of all the drama in your life Now you're free from all the pain Free from all the game Free from all the stress So find your happiness I don't know Only God knows where the story ends for me But I know where the story begins It's up to us to choose Whether we win or loose And I choose to winnn(oh) x2 No more pain (no more pain,no more tired of hurting) No more game (tired of your playin' game with my mind) No drama (no more drama in my life) No more, no more, No more, no more, no more, no more, oh No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night) No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning with your disturbing phone calls) No drama, no more in my life (leave me alone) No more drama, no more drama (I'm tired of all the drama) No more drama, no more drama (Go ahead you demons get out of my life) NO MORE DRAMA NO MORE DRAMA NO MORE DRAMA NO MORE DRAMA NO MORE DRAMA Help me sing it. I need a piece of mind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UAALQBrlvk |
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