Whenever I am in my human guise, I masquerade as a member of that most noble of ethnic groups - the Scots.

If you are wondering if you could be Scottish, too, then there is an easy way to find out.

You may be Scottish if . . .

As a baby you were lulled to sleep with bagpipe music.

When you were little and you saw a telephone pole, you asked your parents,“Why is a caber sticking in the ground?”

While other children were asking their parents for ponies, you asked yours for a Clydesdale.

You were kicked out of the Boy Scouts because your compass kept pointing to Edinburgh.

When your teacher asked you to name the father of your country, you replied, “Robert the Bruce.”

You were kicked out of your high school’s marching band because you played Scotland the Brave when told to play the school’s fight song.

You look better in a skirt than your wife does.

You enjoy the sound of a cat wailing because it reminds you of bagpipes.

If people need directions to your house, all they have to do is to ask any bartender.

You know the second stanza to Auld Lang Syne.

You can recite the name of every brand of whisky made, but you can’t remember the names of your children.

You eat haggis and like it.

When asked in church what your favorite hymn is, you say, “Flowers of the Forest”.

When your daughter asked you to teach her to dance so that she could attend a prom, you taught her Seann Triubhas (pronounced “shawn trews”).

When it came time for your child to be baptized, you insisted that the minister use “the water of life” (pronounced in Gaelic as “whisky").

The only thing that you will volunteer to do at church is to collect the offerings.

You refer to Bannockburn as “The Holy Land”.

Whenever I am in my human guise, I masquerade as a member of that most noble of ethnic groups - the Scots.

If you are wondering if you could be Scottish, too, then there is an easy way to find out.

You may be Scottish if . . .

As a baby you were lulled to sleep with bagpipe music.

When you were little and you saw a telephone pole, you asked your parents,“Why is a caber sticking in the ground?”

While other children were asking their parents for ponies, you asked yours for a Clydesdale.

You were kicked out of the Boy Scouts because your compass kept pointing to Edinburgh.

When your teacher asked you to name the father of your country, you replied, “Robert the Bruce.”

You were kicked out of your high school’s marching band because you played Scotland the Brave when told to play the school’s fight song.

You look better in a skirt than your wife does.

You enjoy the sound of a cat wailing because it reminds you of bagpipes.

If people need directions to your house, all they have to do is to ask any bartender.

You know the second stanza to Auld Lang Syne.

You can recite the name of every brand of whisky made, but you can’t remember the names of your children.

You eat haggis and like it.

When asked in church what your favorite hymn is, you say, “Flowers of the Forest”.

When your daughter asked you to teach her to dance so that she could attend a prom, you taught her Seann Triubhas (pronounced “shawn trews”).

When it came time for your child to be baptized, you insisted that the minister use “the water of life” (pronounced in Gaelic as “whisky").

The only thing that you will volunteer to do at church is to collect the offerings.

You refer to Bannockburn as “The Holy Land”.