I have this friend....let's call him Chuck. Well, Chuck is with a girl and they've been together for quite a few years. Not married but I guess you could consider them common law. Any way, she's a nice girl...sometimes. See, she drinks a lot and abuses pain meds. He likes to have a few beers once in a while but he is very clean....doesn't get into any of that stuff. He's tried and tried to help her get herself clean but she just won't do it. She always promises stuff but never completes any of those promises. Anyway, he is pretty fed up and as time has gone by, he has lost any spark that he once had with her. But he does love her, just not in love with her. He wants to help her but hates living with her and seeing what she does all the time. Here is the kicker....he would've been gone a while ago if it weren't for the fact that they have a kid together and he doesn't want to hurt the boy at all. Also, this girl has another son from a previous relationship and the father of that boy died when the boy was very young. So "Chuck" has moved into the father role for this boy and has become very close to him. He doesn't consider him a stepson - that is his boy! If you ask me, he's in a tough situation - I never know what to say to him when he vents to me about it. He's a really good hearted guy who would do anything for anyone and always has....he never thinks of himself but right now, he's not happy. Except for his kids, he's very sad.....

Any suggestions?

I know - a long one!!

Gut it out until he finally gets fed up enough to give her an ultimatum....her family or the drugs.
In the meantime, he should document all of her harmful behavior so he can get custody of the kids if she chooses the drugs.

A few ideas come to my mind..
family counselling
drop her off at a de-tox center
join Al-Anon, or type of support group
Keep the conversation with her going... families break up all the time and kids are resilient.. you just need to stay in the (step)son's life..
Staying together in a toxic environment isn't good for kids either..
Use any leverage you can find to help her realize the effect she is having on her children.
Good luck with Chuck..

The detox was tried before....but didn't last unfortunately. When she got out of there, she was actually quite awesome....but she went back to the crap.

The (step)son will always be in "chucks" life....that's a given.

As for documenting everything, this has been done but he would never want to take them out of her life....she is very good to her kids - except for the fact that she cannot kick this habit. With him there, he can still kind of keep it on a tamer level.....if he were to leave, he would be scared of it getting way out of control which could have detrimental consequences towards the kids.....

Thank you guys for your input!

This is a no brainer.

Document the problems; probably criminal child neglect several ways. Unless Chuck is picking up the slack; which I doubt they could probably both be charged. Should be court ordered into faily intervention from the sounds of it.

Some high points; print this out for him maybe it will be a wake up call for him.

How many times have the kids missed school? Missed the buss? Gotten kicked off the bus? How many times have they been sent home? Who got them? Or did they walk. What is the school progress reports saying? Is the kid in constant disciplinary situation? Do they have IEP's that are being followed if they have any special need for help?

How far behind or either kid on their shots, dental, eye exams? How often are they sick? Do they have un-refilled prescriptions of neglected allergies or asthma? Have they even had a check up annually? Are either of these kids over or under weight? Do they have behavior problems? Have either of the kids been Poisoned by pills or consuming alcohol. Or is Dad doing the ER runs and Mommy chores for three hours when he gets home just to catch up after work because she's out of it all day?

How is the home environment? Does it look like a candidate for horders? Or hazzmat? Are basic necessities missing like beds, clean clothes, clean dishes , basic food staples, a place to do homework, a few books and age appropriate toys, a working clean refrigerator(I an NOT TALKING Just for BEER), do they get any kind of nutrition, do they get a bath when needed? What about climate appropriate clothing? If it is 40 degrees and raining and they are in shorts and no socks and outside with no raincoat or shoes.

Are the Kids being her care giver? Ten to one they are. And that is not appropriate if he has to put the kids in daycare while he works. Kids should not have to help medicate, clean up, cook for, shop for, or check on MOM because she is sick REGARDLESS of the reason. They should not have to dodge the landlord, beg the utility guys for one more day, or hid from her drug traffickers. They also should not have to be left in a situation where a parent is so out of it they can not cope with and emergency. If they know Mom is stoned something is REALLY gone too far.

If she is driving them under the influence? Doesn't matter if it is someone else's RX or hers; it is easier to get her busted if it is someone else's but He must stop being part of the problem for his kid and the step son. Reality is HE is paying for her drugs one way or another. At least disable the car until she "dries out". Tell the kids to call him if they get sick at school or have to go somewhere. They should have PERMISSION, even INSTRUCTION, if Mom is high don't get in the car with Her; PERIOD.

Drugs have a million sources; and ten to one she is getting them and will keep getting them until they kill her AND his kids and her. How is your friend going to handle that? How is he going to take care of kids with a snapped spinal cord because whe rearends someone stoned? Chances are the car is already dinging in ten places. She might not even have a license at this point so he is committing child neglect letting her transport them.

But he is kidding himself if he thinks she is getting someone else's drugs from "nice" people. If she is buying other people's RX's she is in deep and these people will get paid so you better hope she isn't saying Chuck will pay because believe he will even if he has to do so at the end of pistol or after his kids have been pimped. Little boys are just a vulnerable drug traffickers.

Daddy NEEDS to stop paying lip service to being Daddy and start ACTING like one.

Take her to a hospital tell the attending physician what is going on and leave her there. Take the kids and go to a shelter if the home is as bad as it may be. If not call the local police department and as calmly as possible ask for a mental health officer to come over and help him document the situation. They will probably bring a social worker and they will go through the house. Maybe even again the next day. But if you are the friend you say you are you should be willing to go in and at least clear out what garbage the police don't confiscate as contraband and give these kids a fighting chance at a life.

If you REALLY care about this "friend" and he needs convincing take him to a county mental health facility and have him talk to a crisis counselor. This problem is WAY ABOVE your pay grade.

Pacific Star - thank you for your response. Although the kids are not harmed in any way. They are very smart and do not miss school. They are up to date with all shots, etc. Very healthy. The drinking and pain meds aren't at that type of abuse. The kids are not affected by it. That's one thing that is done right. The kids. Both parents are very good with them and they are NEVER in a car with someone under the influence. They are fed and the house does not look like hoarders at all. This is more on a personal level with him and her. He definitely keeps her grounded. And he definitely picks up the slack (don't know why you doubted that????) The kids are not harmed in any way. They are very happy kids and are taken care of very very well. Just want everyone to know that.

Well that is excellent news that it is not as bad it could be but don't kid yourself that is what is coming without intervention. I have seen families crumble really fast while still "appearing" to be functioning. Kids and adults in treatment call it "the Pretty Little Lie" it is so common. Actually the families that are hardest to treat are the ones that have friends, family, and even each other that are ignoring, minimizing, excusing, and saying "it really isn't that bad?" until a more profound reason makes them have a heads up.

Your friend knows something is seriously wrong or he would not be turning to you for help. He may be running as fast as he can to keep up but eventually things are going to explode and two innocents are going to be in such misery it is truly going to hurt your friend terribly. P.S. I promise you they are hurting the kids and the kids do know what is going on. Even third graders know you don't mix booze and pain meds. And if you are even remotely thinking she is NOT driving under the influence then you are way less smart than I give you credit for being. I get you like this person, maybe even both of them but you are as much in denial as they are.

You seem to know more about the situation than I do. I thank you for your comments and input, but you are gravely mistaken with a few of your thoughts. Thank you for questioning my ideals and beliefs and belittling me. You are very wrong though.

Get on the internet and look for support groups for spouses.
Talk to counselors to find support groups.

Have the guy read stories about people that went through the exact same thing he is going through, and what they did, all in order to give him perspective on identifying the actual problem and actual possible choices, and possibly to help him find his spine to make an adult decision.

The "I don't want to hurt the children!" and "I love but I'm not in love!" is the height of stupidity.

No different than a politician saying "It's for the children!" or "depends on what the meaning of is, is."

Mental gymnastics to avoid having to be truthful to yourself or taking responsibility.


This doesn't make sense and makes the whole story seem like it's being made up and changed to fit a desire to manipulate readers:

Because

You don't try and try to get someone clean when there is absolutely nothing negative going on from using.


Kids are affected by everything their parents do.
Kids aren't stupid and unobservant and have no clue and interact with the world not at all except for what comes out of the parents mouth.
If there is any change in behavior, no matter how small, it affects the kids.

Kids are big sponges that suck up every nuanced change in body language, behavior, health, you name it.


So what do they do?
They either take time away from the kids just to get high.
So kids are wondering, on some level, "where's mommy?"
Or they are lied to, about what the parents are doing.
Or are the kids being told the truth "mom/dad is drunk, honey, so I'll be taking you to soccer practice."
That just teaches kids being drunk is more important than being around kids.
...Unless they lie to the kids, which creates distance in the relationship, and slip ups, and that lying is okay, so the kids are just lying to their parents now thinking that's just normal.
...Or avoid the kids in order to have "private time" to get stoned or drunk, teaching kids to keep up appearances, go off and deal with problems with substances or some other way.


There are always consequences.


They are always taken care of very very well...until they aren't.
In most cases it's not a gradual situation where people are constantly observing from an external, objective, opinion.
Everything seems great....then it just breaks and then everything is messed up beyond comprehension and people are sitting around wondering "how did I get here!?!?!"


So...get your story straight.
There's no such thing as "she's a recreational drug user that can't control her addiction, with a husband that tries to get her clean but can't, and it doesn't have any negative effects on anybody ever, and everybody is a rational adult trying to make rational decisions that have a limited effect and everybody has absolute control of the consequences of everything they do."
But that's the story you are pushing here.

Well I also had a friend in similar situation minus the stepson. Both the kids were his and his wife was addicted to drugs. Nothing worked even the consulting, detox, support groups nothing worked for him and he was also thinking about separation and custody. She would stop for a while and life would be great but some pressure or issue comes and she goes right back. It really requires a family effort to bring such a person out and also the will of the person herself. So I would recommend the same as I saw in that family,
1.he had a open talk with her and found out whether she is interested to quit the habit.
2. Then he worked with her to clean the house of all the drugs.
3. Spend time with her to reduce or keep a check on the problems and issues faced by her.
4. Created family drama with kids to bring out the emotional feeling within her whenever she couldn`t resist drugs like drug effect on kids, children abuse, effect on kids without parents and all those kind of stuff.
5. Kept her calm as much as he can and take her on trips or family outings just to keep her mind in check.

It is all time taking and requires real effort so if he is serious and love her so much, then only it will work and after 6 to 8 months she will surely not go back to drug.

I would suggest counseling for your friend
sometimes just having a 3rd party to talk to
can help him sort out his feelings

All that comes to my mind is this..
In life you have your own baggage.. and in this baggage this proverbial suitcase.. you have just a little bit of room for somebody else's baggage..
... not a lot! just a little bit of room... now if her baggage won't fit inside of your friends designated space... for other people's baggage..
Then basically your friend is carrying all her baggage for her... one should never carry someone else's baggage.. expecially into an airport..lol.wink. learn that one the hard way..lol..
. Your friend should leave ,mentally he already has.. he can always have a relationship with the boys on his own..
I'm not sure if he can take his own son with him or not or wishes to do so..
If she is drinking and abusing medication.. I would imagine the responsible person would be looking after the boys.. hardship as that may be... but as long as you are not going to the other side of the Moon.. and are willing to have a healthy relationship that includes all 4 parties.. involved.. which also allows your friend to continue to offer support to his girlfriend.. this would be the logical solution....
.

the problem is that when dealing with a substance abuser
he is caught up in feeling responsible, pinned under his own guilt
and sense of obligation especially since kids are also involved


oh and clinging to that ever elusive last bit of hope
that he will wake up tomorrow and she will change

Hmm...Are you suggesting he's an enabler ..?..

The real "irony" is both of them stopped being PARENTS when they allowed her to use medications and alcohol together.

These kids have the deck stacked against them when even family and friends enable their neglect. I just hope and pray the kids don't have to be the one to come home and find Mommy Dead from this kind of lethal drug combination.

A more or less philosophical response:

We go on journeys. That's one way of looking at what human life consists of.

These journeys can sometimes be like bus rides, where the passengers can jump up in the middle upon realizing they took the wrong bus, hop off at the next stop, and work their way back to the track they intended to be on...

Or they can be like old fashioned ocean voyages, where one's you're on your way, there IS no hopping off, at least not without tremendous consequences.

Simple mate situations, paired lovers, are like the bus rides. It's painful and even expensive to get off and go a different way, but there's only the immediate two people involved who have consequences to deal with.

Situations with children or other dependents are like the ocean voyages. Getting off may require actively sacrificing one or more of the other people involved. There may be no "good" solution.

Some of us in such situations decide to ride them out. It's the only viable option we can afford, either financially, or physically, or practically, or for other reasons.

I stuck through twenty years of a bad marriage for that kind of deal. Not saying I made the right choice, or the best one, and it certainly didn't result in my having ANY of the fun I was "supposed to " have in life, but it was the only choice I could see to make.

Spent thousands on therapy for her ( and me, whenever she convinced me, or I convinced myself that I was the more screwed up), all of which went for naught. Lost any chance of a "nest egg," always trying some new solution which didn't work.

The children suffered because of my choice, but I think they would have suffered more had I chosen otherwise. I'll never know.

The one thing I can say that I did right, is that I accepted that life was going to suck for me, because I chose as I did.

That's the philosophical point I'm pointing out here. You (or your friend) have choices to make, and there will be unavoidable consequences to whatever decisions you make. The only way to make the challenge at all more manageable, is to ACCEPT what goes along with whatever you decide.

depends on your definition of that word
if you choose to accept someone in your life
continue to be in a relationship with them
when they are still choosing to do something
you find unacceptable

you are in essence choosing to accept this as
the stipulations that come with being with this person

you may rant and rave
scream, holler and threaten to leave

they may improve for awhile
but fall back into old habits


if you still choose to be with them
are you enabling that behavior to continue?