"I cannot believe how much I've changed since the days of old,
I know it's temporary but I need to focus straight,
I cannot believe I lost control of my fate,
I need forgiveness from the people I truely care about,
I need support behind my back to help me spit it out I am gonna win,
I can't afford to blow this one..."

Reflections, awe inspiring and damaging at the same time. We sit and twitter away on our personal computers, we blog everyday life and in a matter of minutes everyone knows who we are...and yet through all of this writing, the autobiography, the numerous lyrics, the pain, and the triumph...I don't even know who I am. I have a 14 year gap from which I cannot remember but an hours worth of time.

I've embarked on a self-discovery journey of sorts, moreso a reflection of what I have accomplished and goals I let sit and collect dust...some outside my control, others well within. The one thing I can narrow down is my environment, I was happy back home even if alone the majority of the time. I'm miserable where I am at now regardless of being alone or hanging out with friends (I have exactly 3 friends, and one is my dog). Yet, through all of this misery, I have done things millions of people could never do again.

I walked when I was told otherwise, I did math when my mind wasn't supposed to comprehend basic english let alone numbers...I survived, even if the reflection of that survival at times is a negative one, I did it, with help of course, but I was the driving force. I wish I could get that force with which I walked with back, a feeling that nothing can stand in your way, not even a college accredited doctor. Though I am slowly getting it back, with help once again, I think this is the lever and pull system of my life...I guess we will see, and if you read this far...well, you must not have a lot to do today.

Hummm yes I did read it all and actually impressed have you ever thought of writing? If not think you should.

When we finally hit that point in life to sit and reflect upon the past what we did or should not have done that is when we begin to grow within. We start to truly see who we are and start to learn the things in life that are important and realize about those things that are no longer important as we once thought they were.

But it is once you put your mind to it and take that first step to where you want to be and realize that unless you take those steps everyday to get to where you desire you will never get there. It is nice to have those behind you to encourage you along the way but..........we must realize we can not rely on anyone but ourselves to get us there.


Ohhh and just to let ya know as far as not having a lot to do today. Hummm just got back in from mowing the front and back yard. Just resting up a bit before I go tackle the bushes that need to be trimmed. But we all must learn to take time to smell the roses in between what we need to do and throw in what we enjoy as well.

I do write, I haven't written much in awhile...kind of a dry spell at the moment, but I have written lyrics, a short autobiography, and a number of random thoughts.

I guess I'm just used to people not reading much for long posts.

Thank you for your insight, it is much appreciated.

compassion comes not when people have nothing better to do, but times like this when someone writes a compelling piece about their struggles and triumphs and others take time out for you. i applaud you. find your mojo!!

Thank you for your words, always nice to hear my writing is appreciated by an author like Lex.

Your long post was well worth reading.

Frankly, I think ALL of your posts (the ones I've see anyway) have been well worth reading.

You have talent. It's something to be proud of. And to work on.

I love you, Fear!

I edited it three times before I posted it...shameful bit of Gonzo, isn't it?

It's all good, but remember what Kerouak says..."First thought, best thought."

I kept misspelling autobiography.

Hee hee. Don't think anybodys gonna' grade ya' here on spelling!