no responce to the question section do you drink, do you smoke??

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE . . .

He said . ..

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was hom e!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

>
> Presidential candidates Hillary
Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain
> were flying to a
debate.
>
>
>
> Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and
said, 'You know I could throw a
> $1,000 bill out of the window right now
and make somebody very happy.'
>
> Hillary shrugged her shoulders
and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills
> out of the window and make
ten people very happy.'
>
> John added, 'That being the case, I
could throw one hundred $10 bills out
> of the window and make a hundred
people very happy.'
>
> Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his
eyes and said to his copilot,
> 'Such big-shots back there. I could
throw all three of them out of the
> window and make 156 million people
very happy.'
>
> I'm voting for the pilot

not till you take those dam curlers out of your hair!!!!

* I can't legally use the ladies room until phase 3 of my sex change is complete.

* Oh my god that's my husband on that Harley!

* (Scratching crotch) Those little critters sure are itchy.

* All the women in my family get really fat butts after 40. Guess my turn is just around the corner.

* One more year and I'll be old enough to apply for a driver's licence.

* Do you smell that? I think my colostomy bag is leaking again.

* A woman needs a good swat now and again.

* Can I borrow 50 bucks 'til my welfare check comes?

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school. '

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped the tar out of her, not once, but three times.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

T he farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's t ake my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
;
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

words to live by

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. ''The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.


The wife was very upset about this and asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'


Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.'You better pray that will come out of the
carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My m other taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CON TORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is
gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a
million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taug ht me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you w ere born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

Giorgio had been in this country for about 6 months. He walked to work every day and would pass a shoe store on the way. Each day he stopped and looked in the window and admired a certain pair of Justin leather boots. He wanted those boots so badly; it was all he could think about.

After about 2 months he saved the $300.00 the boots cost and purchased them. He polished them every day. They were so shiny, that you could see your face in them.

Every Friday night the Italian community would get together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new leather boots to the dance.

He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced he asked her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I 'm wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replied, "I can see the reflection in my new $300.00 leather boots. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, are you wearing white panties with black polka dots on them, tonight?"

Rosa answered, "Yes, Giorgio, I am, but how do you know that?"

He answered, "I can see them in my shiny new boots. How do you like them? "

Now the evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red. He said, "Carmella, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wearing no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answered, "Yes Giorgio, I'm not wearing any panties tonight. But, tell me, how did you know?"

Giorgio gasped, wiped the sweat off his brow, and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my new boots

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:

Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:

'Yes, ma'am.'
'Yes, sir.'
'Why, no Billy!'

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :

'Y'all come back!'
'Well, bless your heart.'
'Drop by when you can.'
'How's your Momma?'

Southern women know their summer weather report:

Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July and August:

Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:

Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthenism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of 'yonder.'

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long'directly' is as in: 'Going to town, be back directly.'

Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near' and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road' can be 1 mile
or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're 'in line, we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin,' you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea' and 'sweet milk.' Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, 'Bless her heart'.. and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads 'I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'

A couple in their 60's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays.

damn lucy, your right . thatss scary!!!! tyvm

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was

Political Correctness.

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10. When you try to fondle women you see on TV, you bust the screen.

9. Lack of violence on most shows sends wrong message to kids.

8. Why doesn't the Skipper ever bite off Gilligan's ear?

7. If you see commercial for something on TV and yell, "I want that!" it doesn't instantly materialize before
you.

6. CBS rejected his idea for new show: "Cold Cocked By An Angel."

5. "Martha Stewart Living" is only an hour long.

4. Why won't Miss America contestants date me?

3. "Hollywood Squares" is back on TV and my phone has not rung once.

2. I'm told I can "Win Ben Stein's Money" when I'd much prefer to "Kick Ben Stein's Ass."

1. Thought "Beverly Hills 90210" was the name of new female inmate.

Q: What did the dumb blonde say to the large-breasted waitress after reading her name tag?











A: What did you name the other one!!

A man walks into a drug store and says to the pharmasist behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me going... keep me potent."

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says, "If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours."

Very happy and excited, the man says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's manhood is black and blue.

The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat."

The chemist replies, "Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up."