It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the songs of the 60's are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers:


Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now !

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times.. a Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.!

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba --- Denture Queen !

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore !

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To!

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again !!

good one!!

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Spread the smiles!!

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women



#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22...



#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on-the-road...



#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times...



#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...



#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo...



#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...



#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month...



#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"...



#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...



...AND...the





#1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...............

YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount
to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window
down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?







A: So the sheep won't hear the zipper!

According to a German health research firm, up to 70% of Germans say they are depressed.

They also found that one of the best things for depression is going for a long walk.

That's got to make Poland a little nervous, huh?

~ Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

~ The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

~ A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

~ Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

~ Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, unless they are in the missionary position, in which case the lady just lies there motionless.

~ Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

~ An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

~ English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

~ By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.

Vincent and his girlfriend were messing around in bed.

"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"Well, you better get your canvas ready," he said, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

Like sands through the hourglass,

some people have no sence of humor,

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"

She says, "Anything you want."

He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"

She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."

With his last breath, he says, "I do."

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the dorm room when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for 'Mr. Big'!"

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market!

A man walks into a pub with a pork pie on his head and asks the barman for a pint of lager.

"Do you know you've got a pork pie on your head?" asks the barkeep.

"Yes, I always wear a pork pie on my head on Wednesday," says the man.

"But today is Tuesday," quips the barkeep.

"Oh my god!" shouts the man. "I must look a total idiot!"

=> The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette!

=> You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

=> I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

=> Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

=> I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

=> WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

=> BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore!

=> So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

=> I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

=> I got a gun for my wife........ best trade I ever made!

=> As long as there are final exams, there will be prayer in public schools.

=> I took an IQ test..... the results were negative.

=> Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes

sounds like you have your head screwed on straight. you cant force something that is only 1 way. best to wait and see what happens, whatever it is it will be for the best.

Snuggling up to her ex could be a quick way to make her an ex-friend

10. "I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking."

9. "Today is our what?"

8. "Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?"

7. "I thought we only celebrated important events?"

6. "You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband."

5. "You don't like what I pick out, so I thought -- 'Why bother?'"

4. "I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's your $5 gift certificate for McDonald's."

3. "If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will."

2. "You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up."

And the NUMBER ONE Anniversary Line From a Disgruntled Husband...

1. "I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love."

AFTER ALL THAT,
AND I STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY I AM DIVORCED!!!