Been raising my son on my own for the last 9 yrs... wouldn't trade it for the world.....

Paddy is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "And what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her
with the shovel.'

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep..


Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

I asked my friend what she was so upset about. This is what she said:


I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?", she asked.
"135," I replied.
The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked: "Your height?"
"5 feet, 6 inches," I answered.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it's very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed.

"When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat.

She put me on Prozac.

What a b*tch!

A retired, grey haired airline pilot walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old pilot said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old pilot seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old pilot stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old pilot.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old pilot, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

Two nuns had spent all of their life at the Vatican.

The Pope, after just returning from the US, told the nuns of all the things he had seen. The nuns listened intently to all that he told them.

"Also", the Pope said, "the American eat all kinds of many different things. You would be surprised what they enjoy." The nuns smiled and thought how fun it would be to have that experience.

Then, the Pope reached into his bag and handed the nuns tickets to travel to the US. "As you have been here all this time, and have been such faithful servants to the Lord, I thought you would enjoy time off to see for yourself."

The Sisters packed, boarded the plane, and flew to the US. When they got off the plane, sure enough the US was full of surprises. Things they have never seen or even dreamed of.

As the nuns were walking around sightseeing, they were getting hungry and noticed a crowd of people around a vendor's stand. The sign said "THE BEST HOT DOGS IN TOWN".

"Sister", one said to the other, "the people do eat all kinds of things. They even eat DOGS!"

Gathering up their courage, they got in line to get their meal. They got their food and drinks and sat down on the bench to eat.

One Sister, excited to try the new food, opened the wrapper. She opened up the bun and stopped:

"OH MY GOD, SISTER! WHAT PART OF THE DOG DID YOU GET?"

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue..

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

TOOLS:

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

Be sure to repeat out loud...

1. That's Not Right.................... Sum Ting Wong
2. Are You Harboring A Fugitive?....... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See Me ASAP......................... Kum Hai
4. Stupid Man.......................... Dum Fook
5. Small Horse......................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did You Go To The Beach?............ Wai Yu So Tan
7. I Bumped The Coffee Table........... Ai Bang Mai Ni
8. I Think You Need A Face Lift........ Yu Chin Tu Fat
9. It's Dark In Here................... Wai So Dim
10. This Is A Tow Away Zone............ No Pah King
11. Our Meeting Is Later............... Wai U Kum Nao
12. Staying Out Of Sight............... Lai Ying Lo
13. Cleaning The Automobile............ Wa Shing Ka
14. Your Body Order Is Offensive....... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15. That's Just Great.................. Fu Kin Su Pah

Just got scammed outta $25!

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favorite 18 holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed too!

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb ***, get in."

3-year-old Reese:
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed;
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Too Many People Buy Things They Don't Need, With Money They Don't Have, Trying To Impress People They Don't Even Like....

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself..."

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

This is a really unique try....


SPANISH HIGH COMMISSION
BERENICE CONCERT SYSTEMS,


Attention:

The SPANISH HIGH COMMISSION in France, Portugal, Sweden and Germany received a report of scam against you and other British/US and Malaysian citizens, Etc. The countries of France, Portugal, Sweden, Germany, Britian and United States have recompensated you following the meeting held with the countries' Government and various countries' high commission for the fraudulent activities carried out by the countries' Citizens.

Your name was among those scammed as listed by the Spain Financial Intelligent Unit (SFIU). Compensation has been issued out in Certified Bank Drafts to all the affected victims and has been already been in distribution to all the bearers. Your draft was among those that were reported undelivered as at on Friday and we wish to advise you to see to the instructions of the Committee to make sure you receive your draft immediately.

According to the number of applicants at hand, 184 Beneficiaries has been paid, half of the victims are from the France, Portugal, Sweden, Germany, Britian and United States, and we still have more 37 left to be paid the compensations of $6,500,000.00 each.

Your particulars was mentioned by one of the Syndicates who was arrested as one of their victims of the operations, you are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to him for any reason whatsoever as the Spain secret service is already on trace of the other criminals.

<---- THIS IS MY FAVORITE PARAGRAPH ---->

So keep it secret till they are all apprehended. Other victims who have not been contacted can submit their application as well for scrutiny and possible consideration.

We advise that you do the needful to make sure the SFIU dispatches your Draft on Friday.

You are assured of the safety of your draft and availability. Be advised that you should stop further contacts with all the fake lawyers and security companies who in collaboration scammed you. Get back to me immediately through my assistant Dr.Thomas Cook(tmcook26@gmail.com) with your correct full details (Full Name, Contact Address And Reachable Telephone Number) to check if the delivery date suits you.

Yours in Service,




Now, where did I put my banking information.... ?

Someone seems to have go into the system... there are so many 22 yr olds who have joined all at once. AND, if you read the profiles, whoever formatted that obviously stole profile and just pasted them in. Wonder why they can't leave the sites alone?