On holiday recently and I met a really, really big man. He said that he fitted kitchens. I said to him, "I bet you don't".

I was a back seat passanger in a taxi, driving to a friend's house. When I thought that we had passed the turning to his house. I lent forward and tapped the driver on the shoulder and said, "I think we..." The taxi left the road, went up the pavement, narrowly missing a tree and ploughed into a garden wall. The taxi driver was full of apologies, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir. It's my first day driving a taxi. I have just finished my last job of 30 years driving a hearse."

My next door neighbour was scraping wallpaper, off the walls. I asked him, "Are you re-decorating?" "No" he said, "A'm moving house."

Another friend of mine, always shy when it comes to his turn to buy a pint. Did actually buy a round the other day. The barman, handing him his change, dropped a 10 pence piece. My friend bent down so fast to pick it up, that it hit him on the back of his head.

In a restaurant, the other day, I asked the waitress for a coffee, without cream. She went away and was back in a flash. She said, "Sorry sir, we are right out of cream. Would you have your coffee without milk?"

An elderly lady looking over her garden fence, sees her neighbour's child digging a hole. She asks the child, "What are you doing there, Milly?" Milly replied, "I'm digging a hole to bury my goldfish." "My, my," said the old lady, "That's a very big hole to bury a goldfish." Milly replied, "That's because it's inside your cat."

A man asked me, "Could you tell me what the people who live in Corsica are called?" I replied, "Course-I-can."

My wife and I had a function to attend, which would mean that my father, who lived with us, would have to be left on his own. Hearing of our plight, our young lady neighbour, Alice, suggested that she looked after him, while we were out. It was only going to be for about two hours. Sure enough, we were back home, teo hours and ten minutes later. I took Alice to the side and asked her how things went, seeing that this was the first time we had left father alone. Alice explained that they, father and she, had watched television most of the time. Father had only needed attention on two occasions. The first occasion was when father was leaning, way over to the right and Alice explained that she feared father would fall over. So she rushed over with a cushion and propped him up straight again. Not long after that, he began to lean the opposite way. So, she explained how she pushed another cushion to straighted father up again. I said thanks for her efforts and gave her 50 for her time. Later when I was speaking to father, I asked him how he got on with our young neighbour Alice. He grumbled, "I don't like her. She wouldn't let me fart."

The sound of a large lorry woke me. I looked out the window and a man shouted, "Where's your bin?" I replied, "I've been in bed". He came back with, "No, where's your wheelie-bin?" I returned with, "That's the truth. I've weely been in bed."

On a sunny day I was driving along a country road, with the window rolled down. A woman passed me in a car going in the opposite direction. She leaned out of her window and screamed at me, "PIG, PIG". I swore back at her and drove round a bend in the road and ran into a pig.

As I walked down the street, I could see walking toward me a man carrying a very long, thin box. As he passed me I said to him, "Are you a polevaulter?" He stopped, turned round and replied, "No, I am a German. How did you know my name is Valter?"

What goes Meow, Bump, Meow, Bump?

That is what is known as a room, which is not big enough to swing a cat in.

Yes I know, old ones are the best, but boring. Keep smiling.

As I have mentioned before, my last job, before I retired, was working in a fruit and veg shop. One day a customer came in and asked me if he could have HALF A CABBAGE. Grumbling under my breath, I took the full cabbage to the store at the back of the shop to cut it. In the store was another shop worker. I said to her, "What do you think, a tight-fisted customer, has asked me for half a cabbage." As the words left my mouth, I caught, out of the corner of my eye, the customer, who had followed me to the store. Quick as a flash, I continued my rant with, "and this nice customer has agreed to take the other half." Sometimes fate has a nice ending.

The last job I did before I retired, was working in a fruit and vegetable shop. One day a French man came in and asked, "Do you have any pepper?" I thought, this would be a time to show off my knowledge. I said, "Would that be ground pepper? Maybe white pepper or black pepper, or maybe green pepper or red pepper, or maybe yellow pepper? OR maybe you would like chili pepper?" The French man replied, "You stupid idiot. I want Toilet Pepper."

Standing in the park yesterday, I was pondering on a scientific problem, as to why a frisby gets bigger the closer it gets. THEN IT HIT ME.

When walking to work on an icy morning, I slipped and fell on my backside. A passing woman, suppressing a snigger, asked if I was alright. I replied, "Everything is OK madam. I was just trying to break a bar of chocolate in my hip pocket."

Abe, the fishing boat captain, sneezed one day and his dental plate flew out of his mouth and disappeared into the sea. He was very annoyed, since it would cost him 200 to replace it. So, to avoid the same accident happening, he kept his new dental plate wrapped in a piece of cloth, in the wheelhouse. On a beautiful day with the sun shining and the fish biting, the crew were having a great time. Two of the young lads thought they would play a joke on the captain. They took his dental plate, from the wheelhouse and tied it to a line and threw it overboard. Then, reeling in the line they exclaimed that they had caught the captain's teeth. Abe said to pass the plate over to him. He shook the water off and slapped the teeth into his mouth. He pulled all sorts of faces and took the teeth out and said "No, they're not mine" and threw them back into the water. The boat had to go back to harbour since none of the crew could stop laughing.

I asked a lady in our local pharmacy, "Is there anything to kill this corona virus?" She replied, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh, sorry. I thought you worked here."