I've been seeing a girl for about three months now.

That was until this morning when the police confiscated my binoculars.

An elderly priest arrives at a hotel and whilst checking in he casually asks the receptionist if the porn channel in the room is disabled.

She replies "It's regular porn you sicko!!!"

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?
I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early morning July 5th from Manchester Airport and will fly to St Ives Marina where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins before they hibernate then returning to the marina and go out for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

A man goes into a store to buy some condoms:
"Do you want a bag ?" the cashier asks.
"No" the man says "She's not that ugly!"

This morning and as I was opening the door the woman who lives opposite walks across the street.
‘Hi. I can’t take this social distancing any longer.’ She says
‘It is getting difficult’ I reply nervously. Still surprised at the fact she came over to talk.
‘I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk and get intimate. Are you doing anything tonight?’ She asks
‘No..no..I’m free!’ I tell her
‘Great!...Could you look after my dog !

I had to call out a 24 hour plumber the other night.

After about 20 minutes I realized he didn't have a clue so I asked him how long he had been a plumber.
24 Hours he said

Abandon hope all ye who enter here

Surely the fact that you don't answer the messages is a clue that you are not interested ?.
Why not just block them ?.

No,cannot find neither brain nor sanity

Hello and welcome to Mingle2

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, the priest took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up ..........
And suddenly all the other bells rang out loudly!!!

Totally agree with a previous comment and ditch the disclaimer otherwise people will think they have to sign a contract in order to contact you.
Sounds like something from the official secrets act.

The money never made it to my account.....

The guys were all in deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so bad.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said,' Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night was a different guy's turn. In the morning same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night."
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning", he said.
They couldn't believe it! they said, "Man, what happened?
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him goodnight.
Bob covered himself and watched me all night

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to feel her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: 'I found the tv remote control.'

Did anyone hear about the incident with The Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra where the man playing the triangle vanished ?.

Hello and welcome to Mingle2

Good one

Hello and welcome to Mingle2