Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain
and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate
ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to
his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!' The First Mate
quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among
the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the
lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but
the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red
shirt!' And once again the battle was on. However, the
Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that
night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign
looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call
for your red shirt before the battle?' The Captain, giving
the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted,
'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show
the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight
unafraid.' The men sat in silence marveling at the
courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the
lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them,
all with boarding parties on their way. The men became
silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his
usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my
brown pants!'

Say what you want about Big Billy B and the PATS, but the fact is that they are a very good and very well coached football TEAM. They will be a contender for years to come. The haters need to just get over it.

I have been a...(die-hard?) Rams fan ever since they moved to STL from LA.

So you can imagine my disgust and disappointment as I watched them literally give up for the second straight week and get their a$$es drug all over the field. The sad fact is that this is only WEEK 2! WTF?

Are the Rams truly that bad? I can see the potential if I squint and kind of cross my eyes but how can they continue to ignore the glaring problems they have year after year?

So what can the Rams do to turn it around?

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are
discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you
do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look
for a house sharing situation with three other single
or widowed women who might be a little younger
than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and
answer period with his new students when one of them asked
the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open;
and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we
hit the ground?"

The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."

A bride called to make a change to her
wedding registry. It is common, almost
expected, that a bride will change something
on her registry at least once (dishes, color
of towels, etc.). The Customer Service
Representative told her that J.C. Penney
would be happy to make the change. He asked
if the bride wanted to change the dishes or
the linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just
wanted to change the name of the groom."

Now THAT was funny!!!!

The tasks he completed were out of order.

You mean it wasn't the LEAST bit funny?

I knew someone would get it and realize its a great joke.....Thank you sir.

A man walks into a bar and orders the most potent liquor they had and in the blink of an eye gulps it down. He does this ten times in a row and never loses his composure.

The bartender is impressed and approaches the man. "You seem to be able to handle yourself pretty well,"

The man replies, " OK, sure....why do you ask?", then he promptly orders ten more drinks.

The bartender is amazed then says, " You see that jar over there with the money in it?"

"Sure do," the man replies as he orders more drinks.

"There is over six thousand dollars in it. I have three tasks You need to do and the money is yours. First I have a five month old pit-bull that needs her tooth pulled. Second, you see the bouncer standing by the door?"

"You mean that tree by the door, don't you?" the man replies as he refills.

"I need you to fire him for me. Last, but not least, my wife is upstairs. She weighs over 600 pounds and I haven's slept with her in over five years. You do all three of these tasks and the money is yours."

"Not a problem." the man replies as he drains the last glass. He gets up and goes out back. You can hear the dog barking and growling then it turns into howls of excruciating pain. The man walks in and tells the bartender, "That's one down."

The man approaches the bartender, promptly and without warning punches him squarely in the balls and as he passes out, tells him he's fired.

The man approaches the bar and says to the bartender, "OK that's two down....Now where is this 600 pound b*tch that needs her tooth pulled!"

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have
to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher
who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in
search of his manager. In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a
lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age
would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, "Judging from
your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure,
twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet."

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where
the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know
what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to
the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
"Ask him again where the money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know
where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is
hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you
don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Bartender, let me have ten shots of liquor right now, real quick!"

As the bartender places all ten shots of liquor in front of the man, he asks, "Excuse me for being nosy, but why the ten shots of liquor?"

The man replies, "Well bartender, I am celebrating my first blow job."

The bartender says, "Hey now, that is a reason to celebrate...in fact, you can have an extra shot on the house!"

The man replies, "Bartender, don't even worry about it, because if ten shots of liquor can't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing can!!!!!!"

We can all agree that boxing was once a great sport with its rich traditions and great champions from John L Sullivan to Sugar Ray Leonard to Mike Tyson.

But the fact remains that boxing is a dying sport and a Heavyweight title fight is not the must-see event it once was. Most people couldn't tell you who the champions are of the top four divisions - WBA, WBC, WBO, and IBF.

It is not fair to compare the merits of which is better. Boxers may be the master craftsman of their sport, but its pretty much a given that ANY boxer in their prime would get beat down by the AVERAGE MMA fighter, because MMA is multi-dimensional.

Back in the day, MMA fighters were like drunken cage brawlers because they were originally just tough-man competitions. Over the past couple of decades, they have become more disciplined and organized, they have a sanctioning body now, and MMA is now a specific martial arts form with schools in just about every state.

In fact, boxing is far more dangerous than MMA. How? Consider this: An MMA fighter gets knocked out and the fight is over, end of story, risk of injury becomes nonexistent. A boxer gets knocked down, gets a standing eight count and is allowed to continue to be punished. This has resulted in numerous in-ring deaths as the history of boxing has shown (remember Boom Boom Mancini?)

In short, boxing has lost much of its luster and now MMA is becoming the big money making draw with its stars and champs reaching celebrity status and signing six to seven-figure contracts.

Three old women were sitting side by side in
their retirement home, reminiscing.

The first one recalled shopping at the grocers,
and demonstrated with her hands the length and
thickness of a cucumber she could buy for 25 cents.

The second woman nodded, then demonstrated the
size of two big onions she could buy for 20
cents a piece.

The third woman chimed in with: "I can't hear
a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
you're talking about"

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde ***** going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces him/her self.
A2: Walks home.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.