A blond pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on in for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, " Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks......"How often do I have to do that?"

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is
hard. Well, you know how she is."

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her."

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from
the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions.

~~~~~

Some men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
Other men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him!

*My niece made me submit this joke - it's her favorite*

One day little Johnny runs into the corner store and asks for some dog food.

The clerk decides to have a little fun at Johnny's expense and says, "Ok Johnny, first show me a dog, then I'll sell you some dog food."

Little Johnny runs home, gets the dog and takes it back to the store and the clerk sells him the dog food.

The next day little Johnny comes in and asks for some cat food. The clerk says, "first show me a cat." Little Johnny walks home, brings the cat, gets the cat food and leaves.

The next day little Johnny comes in and asks for some bird seed. The clerk says, "You know the drill...show me a bird first."

Little Johnny looks at the clerk for a full minute, but he goes and gets the bird, gets his bird seed and goes home.

The next day, little Johnny comes in with a bag and tells the clerk, "Quick, stick your hand in here!"

The clerk puts his hand in the bag, pulls it out and asks, "What is this, sh-t?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes...I need some toilet paper."

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

George Bush wakes up one winter morning after a mighty snowstorm and decides to greet the sun on the balcony. When the sun rises, Bush looks on the White House lawn and notices that someone urinated a message on the lawn that said, "**** George Bush!"

Bush storms into the Secret Service office and demands that the culprit be found immediately.

Several hours later, the deputy chief of the Secret Service comes by to report. "Well, we have good news and bad news."

Bush asks for the good news first (of course).

"The good news is that we conducted a urinalysis and determined that the culprit is Bill Clinton."

"And the bad?", asks Bush impatiently.

"The bad news, sir, is that we also performed a handwriting analysis and determined that the culprit is your wife."

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week!

An 85 year old man marries a 23 year old woman. After a wonderful year of honeymooning, the bride suddenly doesn't feel well and the husband takes her to the doctor.

The doctor finishes his exam and pulls the old man into his office. He tells the husband, "Your wife is pregnant."

"Why that's wonderful news, Doc!" the old man exclaims.

The doctor proceeds to tell him a story..."I had a friend that used to hunt rhinos in Africa. It was the most amazing site I ever saw. He would enter the jungle armed with only an umbrella. The rhino would see him, charge him and the man was never scared. He simply pointed the umbrella at the rhino, shouted 'bang!' and the rhino would fall over dead."

"Why that's impossible Doc!" the old man sputtered, "someone must have shot from the side!"

"That's exactly my point old man!"

I guess it must be his birthday or something...but in the spirit of bashing MJ....

Did you know that Michael Jackson went to college?

He attended Brigham Young!

Loved that story!!!! Wish I had that kind of influence, lol

A blinker flashes on and off???? when its on 'yes'...when it's off 'no' ????

Oh well, I tried

Just goes to show that you can't please everyone. I am in a bad mood now anyway. People getting offended at blond jokes, get real!!!

OMG! You people kill me getting offended at the slightest thing! I never said I was looking for a date, I just like to laugh and tell jokes. What's wrong with that? If you guys are that anal about a blond joke, then maybe I don't want to date you, not that I actually asked. PS - way to prove you're a true blond - the word is E-S-P-E-C-I-A-L-L-Y