Just my own 2 cents. I read the first opening post only because I believbe everyone should be allowed to believe as they see fit.
I wrote this about a year ago on the same subject at a different site.

GOD
Was first and will be the last
Created Everything
Is in everything
Is all powerful
Is All Knowing

YUP!

The UNIVERSE
Is the first thing and will be the last
When it came to be everything that could be created is or was created
Everything ever created is part of the universe
The laws governing the Universe is absolute
Every reality, imagination and belief is the Universe trying to understand itself.

YUP!
​
You, Me and every other living thing in existence is part of the Universe. Not a separate part but the Universe itself. From the smallest quantum particle to the largest super-cluster of galaxies its all part of the Universe. Everything that happens, is thought or believed is the Universe doing so.

When someone believes there are ghosts, the Universe is believing there are ghosts. Our Dreams are the Universe dreaming. Our Songs are the Universe singing. Our Fears are the Universe fearing. Everything everywhere is the Universe experiencing existence.

Our common delusion is that we are separate from the Universe. We are somehow not "in" it. Our minds refuse to acknowledge this one simple common fact. The Universe is continuing to expand. It is expanding not only in occupied space and matter it is expanding in belief and learning. It is aware of itself because We are aware of it.

Everytime one of us has an idea, a belief or imagine something, the Universe expands to encompass it. The Universe is not just a physical conglomeration of matter, it extends into the concept of the paranormal, psychic and religious beliefs.

Mankind believes the Universe to be about 14 billion years old. We may be wrong but given the evidence so deduced and discovered I think its pretty accurate. It's also believed by observation that it is still growing. It is expanding in all directions at once filling the void that is not Universe. One of those voids is the imagination.

There are things that the Universe can not do. It can not go outside itself. Let me explain. If you try to imagine yourself outside of the Universe. Being part of the Universe the Universe has tried to imagine itself outside of itself. By doing so, the Universe has created an area beyond itself and has therefore expanded to create it.

Is the Universe alive? Well, yes, It is. Life is within the Universe so the Universe is alive. Is Death the end of the Universe? NO. When something dies, wheter it be a particle, a star, a plant or you, The energy is redirected back into the Universe. The essence of your being is reunited with the essence of the Universe.

I watched a segment of The Universe on TV that explained a theory that everything that can be imagined will happen eventually over the life of the Universe. From werewolves to space invaders. It may be billions of years in the future or billions of years in the past.

I'm not attempting to persuade anyone of a belief system. I'm not saying any specific religion or thoughts are wrong. This is my own attempt to make sense of God and Science. Unlike so many people, I can see the connection. I'm just trying to share what I see.

Thanx for reading.

I actually have many like that.
I give MyBook drives at Christmas and many of the movies I have are for others.

Some movies, even tho people ask for them I won't get

Pixels or most of Adam Sandler's movies are not available from me. I've watched enogh stupid to know I don't like his movies.

Interpretation of a Stop Sign

Suppose you're travelling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.

1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign with his bumper, ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.
3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
4. An average Catholic doesn't bother to read the sign, but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.
5. A fundamentalist, allowing the text to interpret itself, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
6. A suburban preacher looks up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discovers that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things:
1. Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law.
2. Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidently, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God." R. Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs." R. Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages]
8. A Karaite does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
9. A Unitarian concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtably was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
10. A divinity professor notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunately omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.
11. A tenured divinity professor points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P".
12. A rival scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglects to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.
13. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, a later scholar ammends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occured because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Dan Wallach, October 1996.

Is there a Santa Claus?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Based on the unoriginal research of Thomas Reusch, January 1995.

Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.

NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recomended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts, quite seperate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be water tight. those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be air tight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. this method is not recomended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by D. A. Willens, March 1995.

Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discover: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
3. Should you experience itching, burning or rash, discontinue use immediately and seek medical treatment.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Dave Willens, February 1995.

Chemical Analysis of Man
Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element)
Discover: Eve
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ Kg
Occurrences: Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast)
Physical properties:
Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state dirrectly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with poluted form of the Wo common ore.
Chemical properties:
All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analysist) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
Storage:
Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favourable reaction style.
Uses:
Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
Tests:
Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution:
Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Sue Sinclair, May 1995.

The Dark Sucker Theory
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Based on an unoriginal earwig sent bt H J Robinson, June 1996.

Antigravity: The Feline Butterology Theory
This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and cheesed-off aliens crash on top of them.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Dave Willens, March 1995.

Announcing the new device: Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge (BOOK)

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.

Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Malandra, October 1997.

Aliens and Meat

Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander-in-chief...

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Malcolm Gardner

A Guide to Proper Etiquette in the Men's Restroom
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.
Graffiti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:

X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've thoroughly shaken off and closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
* Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
* Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
* If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Dave Willens, December 1995.

Thoughts for the Day...

* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
* What's a synonym for Thesaurus?
* What's brown and sticky? A stick.
* What's shorter than a weekend? A vacation!
* What's the speed of dark?
* When all else fails, call Bill Gates at home.
* When all else fails, read the manual.
* When all is said and done, more is said than done.
* When an old person dies, a library burns down.
* When I want your advice, I'll beat it out of you!
* When I want your advice, I'll give it to you!
* When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
* When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
* When in doubt, tell the truth.
* When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
* When liberals grow up they want to be conservatives.
* When money speaks, truth keeps silent.
* When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns.
* When puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.
* When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.
* When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
* When vultures fly they're allowed carrion luggage.
* When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
* When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure you're dead.
* When you were born the doctor slapped your mother.
* When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
* When you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
* When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
* When your IQ hits 28, sell!
* Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes.
* Where can I find a synonym for thesaurus?
* Where do bees go potty? At a BP station.
* Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
* Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
* Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
* Where is everything? All I typed was format c:.
* Where law ends, tyranny begins.
* Where there's a will there's a beneficiary.
* Where there's a will, there's an attorney.
* Where there's smoke, there's toast.
* Where you've been means much less than where you're going.
* Where's the any key?
* Wherever you came from, you're not there now.
* Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
* Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
* Which one is the fatherboard?
* Who invited all these tacky people?
* Who named you "Taste Police" anyway?
* Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there?
* Who should I call to exorcise software?
* Who wrote the rules on how to act your age?
* Why bother phoning a psychic? Let them phone you!
* Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
* Why can't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"?
* Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Why do you need a driver's licence to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Based on an unoriginal emails forwarded by Sue Sinclair and Dave Willens, November 1995.

Rules for the Modern Woman

In the interests of better understanding between the sexes, it is time that the rules of engagement were codified, at least for women, since they seem to be under some illusions about how we blokes view the world.

So girls, if you have any questions about any of the rules, talk to an available non-SNAG or T.U.R.D. (Totally Understanding Relationships Dude) for clarification.

And remember, mistakes will be tolerated as long as they are infrequent and you apologise nicely.

This is vital information that should be imparted to daughters when they are young so they get it right when they grow up.

1. Two pies and a few beers at a footy game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
2. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress exactly like all our friends. Thus, you can buy almost anything we need at Just Jeans or Lowes.
3. If we see you in the morning and at night, why do we need to call you from work?
4. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? And what exactly is wrong with those sexy colours you say make you look like a whore?
5. You probably wouldn't want to know what we're thinking about.
6. Silence is golden and does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
7. Things you can help with: raising the children, the Sunday crossword, gardening, the dishes, cleaning, washing the cars and grocery shopping.
8. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, assembling anything that's easy to assemble, watching anything on TV, playing cards, smoking cigars and choosing the beer.
9. Socks do not constitute a gift.
10. Department stores and shopping malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tyres, hardware or sporting equipment nearby.
11. We don't know anything about clothes/handbags/shoes/belts/jewellery. Or matching things together. Or what colours go with your skin. Don't even ask.
12. We did water the plants. They died anyway. It is an immutable law of the Universe. Nobody knows why this happens.
13. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
14. Our old clothes are friends, companions, and treasured artefacts of a bygone age. You throw them away or convert them into polishing rags at your peril.
15. A discussion is where sincere views are frankly aired in rational debate. Most men enjoy a discussion, so try to avoid the temptation to turn it into an argument by bursting into tears and storming out of the room if you do not agree on a minor point.
16. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
17. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
18. It is in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
19. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
20. Dinner out is a reasonable birthday present. Two tickets to a rugby game is much better.
21. No, you cannot have the remote control.
22. No, I will not turn down the volume on the hifi.
23. If you must take us with you into lingerie shops, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and it only adds to our discomfort.
24. Buying things that are bargains simply because they are bargains is not the same as saving money.
25. Having young skin is probably a good thing, but not if it's wrapped around an old body.
26. Inability or unwillingness to cook for us is not a charming 90's feminine trait.
27. Moving the furniture around every few weeks does not make the house more liveable. It impinges upon our sense of continuity.
28. We know that you are not really dressing nicely and attending to your make-up for our benefit, so don't bother pretending.
29. We cannot tell you what we feel, only what we think.
30. If after a few years we don't pay you so much attention and don't compliment you all the time it's not because we love you any less, it's because we don't like you as much.
31. Hair styles are not a constant source of fascination for us. If we don't notice that you've changed yours, it's because we fundamentally don't care, so please don't get upset about it.
32. Astrology, numerology, palm readings, clairvoyancy and anything to do with crystals is complete bollucks designed for the exploitation of the weak of mind and spirit. Please do not make it obvious if you are in this category. We will only reveal our birthdays if you promise not to tell us what star signs we are.
33. If you must share your most intimate secrets with girlfriends or any other woman who will talk to you on a train, we prefer anonymity. Just refer to me as "Mr X" so your friends don't glare at me when I meet them.
34. Men are generally more interesting company than women, so when you're invited somewhere try not to bore the guys, and leave quietly if you're asked to.

Based on an unoriginal message by Bob Highland, received February 1997.

Diary of a Paranoid Cat
Monday
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favourite chair....must try this on their bed.

Wednesday
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was....Hmm. Not working according to plan.....

Friday
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Philson Ray, September 1999.

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, cool.b ) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Robin E J Stevens, May 1996.

Dogs vs Men
Why dogs are better than men

* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
* Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs don't criticize your friends.
* Dogs admit when they're jealous.
* Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
* Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
* You can train a dog.
* Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
* You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
* Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
* Dogs understand what "no" means.
* Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
* Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* You can house train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Dogs don't correct your stories.
* Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
* Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they're lost.
* Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs take care of their own needs.
* Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.

How dogs and men are the same

* Both take up too much space on the bed.
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
* Both are threatened by their own kind.
* Both like to chew wood.
* Both mark their territory.
* Both are bad at asking you questions.
* Neither tells you what's bothering them.
* Both tend to smell riper with age.
* The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
* Both have an inordinate fascination with women.s crotches.
* Neither does any dishes.
* Both fart shamelessly.
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
* Both like dominance games.
* Both are suspicious of the postman.
* Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
* Neither understands what you see in cats.

Why men are better than dogs

* Men only have two feet to track in mud.
* Men can buy you presents.
* Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
* Men are a little bit more subtle.
* Men open their own cans.
* Dogs have dog breath all the time.
* Men can do math stuff.
* Holiday Inns accept men.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Alisha DeWitt, July 1996.

A Dog Called "Sex"
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair.

The only Gone With The Wind I have Ever seen is Carrol Burnette's Went With The Wind

Went With The Wind Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH6TBEbP77Q
Went With The Wind Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Nt0yi4wbro
LOL

Ditto - I have it for my John Travolta Movie Set but I still haven't watched it and probably won't

With that in mind, Have you ever bought/got a movie that you still haven't watched?