Last week my 14 year old daughter followed me to the car when I was
getting ready to leave for work. I really expected her to say- "can I
have $10?" She handed me a note and stated "you might want to read this"
The note stated she thought she might be pregnant.
It was confirmed- 11 weeks. I talked with her about her
options- although I have never believed in termination-
I am a labor and delivery nurse and have seen plenty of
sonograms- I discussed it with her also because it was an
option. She told me she wanted to terminate because she
was too young and because she was in all advance classes
had 3+ yrs of high school left and did not think it
would be fair for the baby. I asked her several times if
she was sure and if anyone was forcing her to make that decision.
She said she was sure and noone had influenced her.
Her dad told her (via the telephone) that she was a murderer
and that he did not raise her like that. He also said
not to ever come over. I told him that was awlful- that I
did not agree either, however it was her life and I am not the
one who would support the child for the rest of his/her life
etc. That he should support her, she is going through enough.
Today was the day- I did acommpany her and was there throughout
the procedure. I will NEVER forget the noise. Right after she
cried so hard. It broke my heart because I knew that it was not the pain
she was dealing with!!!
I have now heard some people say that I was wrong because by
allowing her not to "have" the child I was making a statement
that it was okay what she did (have sex) etc..
We have always been close and because of my occupation and
seeing the increase in teen pregnancies- she knows how I feel
and I have always told her that if and when she just had to become
sexually active to let me know and we would get on the pill etc..
well, my question...am I a "bad" mother? am I saying it
is okay to have sex? etc.

I DONT THINK YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER,SHE IS TO YOUNG TO HAVE A KID,I THINK
U MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE..

BUT I THINK SHE SHOULD HAVE HAD THE BABY AND GAVE IT UP FOR
ADOPTION,BECAUSE NO CHILD DESERVES TO DIE BUT I DONT THINK U ARE A BAD
PERSON,BUT I WOULD HAVE TOLD HER TO HAVE THE CHILD AND THEN GIVE IT UP
AFTER SHE HAD IT.I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY PPL SPREAD THERE LEGS AND MAKE A
CHILD AND THEN KILL IT,IF YOUR GONNA DO THAT KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED...

You are not a bad mother. Nor are you condoning what happened. You
simply, as your daughter, look at it in a realistic manner. Hopefully
she has learned from this though, though a hard lesson it has proved to
be.

You're not a bad mother, and you're not saying it's OK for her to have
sex. You're acknowledging that she made a mistake, and you did what you
could to prevent it from ruining her life. You were there for her when
she needed you the most. That makes you a good mother in my book.
Obviously, this was not something you had expected or hoped for, but you
dealt with the problem in the way that will ultimately allow your
daughter to move on with her life, and hopefully learn something about
consequences.

There is no "ideal" solution in a case like this. But you did what you
thought was best for your daughter, and anyone who judges you harshly
for protecting your child needs to take a good long look at their own
actions and motivations.

As far as being a bad mother no. All we can do is teach our children and
hope they listen to us or at least talk to us when they are in trouble.
One you were there and she knew it or she would not have come to you. As
far as terminating well she is young some will say at 14 she has no
ideal what she just did but in reality she will live with that for the
rest of her life no matter what anyone thinks she might not talk about
it but she will never forget it. At 14 she is not ready for a baby. But
make sure she is on birth control now heck I tried to get my daughter on
the pill from the time she was 16 because sometimes girls get in a
situation either drinking or what ever and end up in a date rape. But as
parents we can only do the best that we can and hope that our kids
understand our actions. As far as the father well he just put a knife
through his own heart to turn on his child. Been there my ex turned on
my son while in High School you can bet your sweet ass its me my kids
come to not him. That is sad for the things he said to her he will never
be able to take back. Just be there for her get her on the pill and let
her know you are and will always be there for her. I'm not saying
termination is always right but it is her choice too she knew she was
not ready to raise a child its a hard decision and like I said the one
that has to live with it is the one that made the choice. Just hope she
applys herself in school and get that education.

regardless of what I or other people think, the decision was made and
the act was performed. Now please get professional counciling for both
you and your daughter to help you both get through what must be a most
difficult time in your life.

My prayers are with you both

I think you are a great mother, you were there for her when she needed
you the most.Even though it is a very difficult situation you handled it
with grace, love & support. As far as her father goes, that's just not
right, I'm sure he was speaking before thinking and hopefully he will,as
I like to say "MAN UP" & say he is sorry & that he loves her no matter
what.Just because you helped her through doesn't mean you suport the
idea of her being sexually active and as a dad myself, I would hunt the
prick down who got your daughter pregnant & teach him a nice little
lesson.

I think from now on your relationship with your daughter is going to be
very very very different than it was 2 days ago.

Im not sure I can answer your question, sorry.

hey joyce, i think you did the right thing. at her age, i think she is
too young to have a baby also. and thats good that you told the dad
those things. i know if it was my daughter i coul dnever say those
things to her. i dotn know how he did it, but he shouldnt of. its good
that you support her. shes gonna feel bad enough for it, so does she
need people to call her a murderer, no, i think not. but , i believe you
did the right thing

Thank you Lex
Yes- I told her that no matter what her decision she would later regret
it!!!!!!!
Heartbreaker- she is 14, she did not make a decision to spread her legs
and kill a baby...she made a decision to give in to her desires at that
split time not thinking it could happen to her. And by the way, she
stated she talked to some girls there and this was not their first time.
I used that as a oportunity to discuss that abortion was NOT birth
control!!!! and not only
the killing issue, but the scarring and stuff to her own body.

Let me tell you a story...

I once knew a girl that got pregnant at 18- her freshman year of
college. She told her parents and the baby's dad's family and all were
against her...they sat her in a living room and formed a group around
her...and forced her to terminate. She was told that if she didn't do
it- she would be kicked out of the house and neither family would budge
to help her. She was scared so she terminated. To this day, she
regrets what she did and resents her family and the (now ex) boyfriend
for it...it tears her apart each day and at one point almost caused her
to commit suicide from feelings of guilt.

Please do NOT think you are a bad mother for supporting your daughters
decision. If this girl had only one person to support her...she would
be a much different person today than she is. I thank the Lord that
there are still mothers like you.

Nurjoyce you are not a bad mom, dont ever think that or yourself.Your
daughter is young yes, but there is only so much you can cram into thier
heads as they grow up. I am 21 years old with a 2 months of baby and i
am not with her "father" My mom always tried to instill in my head as i
was growing up was wait for marriage and all her other beliefs she had,
I never listened, which kid is going to listen to everything thier
parents tell them?... I think you are awesome for beeing behind her 100%
I applaud u for that. I was 20 when i told my mom i was preggo and i was
a mess, my mom was so happy. I couldnt imange tellin my mom at the age
of 14 i think u handled it well. Im not for abortion but the girl is 14,
and it was her decision. And u were behind her the whole time, I hope
all goes well with you and ur daughter. Your a good mom, dont worry . At
least u didnt kick her out or the house and disown her, that would be
just sad. Have a good nite

Nurjoyce and Autumn -- you're both good moms and your kids are lucky to
have moms like you. You're there for your kids, and that's something
every kid needs.

Lex-
Thank you very much!!
I appreciate it- means a lot coming from someone
like you!

abortions is a very hot topic, personally I am strongly against it, I
think it's murder. It's legal so there's nothing that can be done about
that. I just hope your daughter can cope with the choice. There are
lots of people that are very capable of raising a child and would have
gladly adopted it. The fathers words to such a young child was wrong.
That's something he will have to deal with and I am sure with what your
daughter is going through it did not help her in the least bit. My
prayers are for all of you.

ok, so i'm not a parent....

whether my opinion is therefore of any value to you or not, i don't
think you are a bad mother. i think that you and your daughter found
yourselves in an impossible situation, and you made a decision based on
what seemed right after a rational, informed discussion. i don't think
you are condoning your daughter having sex. it does seem, however, that
as close as you and your daughter are, there have been some secrets
kept. hopefully this experience will help the 2 of you to grow even
closer, and show your daughter how important it is to be open with you.

thanks Lex that makes me feel good to hear that

Autumn, Nurjoyce,all ladies.

This is such a personal thing each case has to be taken on it's own.
At 14, a baby, she would have missed so much. Each family has to face
these things TOGETHER. Not with abuse; ie the father's reaction. You
both talked, came to a joint decision, acted on that decision & are
supporting EACHOTHER in the results. That is what FAMILYS do. I
COMMEND you & your daughter. What ANYONE else thinks, DOES NOT MATTER.
It is your lives. Any one berates you for it, send them to me.

Personally I think you made the perfect decision & ever passing thru the
Omaha area, dinner on me. Might want to ck your local YWCA for a group,
to help support both of you. We used thr YWCA for our marriage
problems, we found some great counselors.
I still talk to one, off & on, 15 yrs later.

BIG HUGS!!! I believe your daughter is torn up over the comments made by
her dad. Regardless of his thoughts you did the right thing and continue
to do so with getting her some protection and birth control. Look
girlfriend there is no manual that came with our wee ones when we gave
birth. If so then where in the heck is MINE? LOL I think you just need
ANOTHER GREAT BIG HUG!! You go girl!! as a mother you ROCK!