Procrastination has got me in trouble again!

I've been separated from my x for over a year. I've meant to file but have put it off; not cause of some hope of reconciling, but out of fear of the court system in regards to custody of our six year old son. I hear that courts favor the mother most of the time.

I have had my son the whole time & take him to see his mother every saturday to spend the day with her. This has worked for both of us & I think it is what's best for our son due to certain circumstances. I think having him all this time does look very good in my favor & may outweigh the courts favoritism to the mother; at least I hope!

Another of my worries is that I am only working part time now since I was laid off over three months ago & she still has her waitress job. She's not making as much either now cause tourism's down but she's been there a while & they may see that as steady income. I dunno?!? I probably need a lawyer but can't afford one right now.

Anyways; I've been seeing someone now since early December & we've both fallen for each other. She knows about my situation & she's in one similar. Her divorce is underway & she's dealing with that right now trying to get custody of her kids. I have yet to file and I didn't realize until tonight how much that bothered her. I totally understand it & wish I had taken care of it before we met.

We had plans tomorrow for her to visit the church I go to for the first time & hear me play guitar there & then go to the beach after with our kids. I guess she got cold feet about it cause a few people there know me well enough to know I am not officially divorced yet & didn't feel it was right. That got her thinking & over analyzing (like women tend to do) & now I'm in the dog house!!!!

Basically our relationship has progressed too far too fast without me taking care of what needs to be done. She thinks I'm not completely over my x or I'd have filed a long time ago which is not the case, but it's understandable that she'd think that. I'm going to file this week; not just because of her; but because it's something I need for me. Wish I had done it before & kept this drama from affecting our relationship.

So, tomorrow's not happening & now our relationship is on hold. I hope that once I file we can patch things up cause she's very special to me.


Sorry for the novel! Needed to get a few things off my chest.

It's understandable to an extent why lots of guys put it off, but it's a huge hassle that many women don't even want to deal with. I'm sure there are many women out there like myself that won't even get involved with someone who is separated for fear of them not wanting to commit again... I'm sure she's probably thinking something of that nature as well.

Try your best to ease her mind and let her know how much you care about her, take care of your business, and don't embarass her in public if the whole church scene isn't where she wants to be. I've been in different churches and know just how fast gossip travels and good reputations get ruined.

Good luck.. and maybe slow down a little?

Well then, take care of business.

Thanks for the advise Ethereal. I agree with what you posted.

We've been spending a lot of time together & have gotten very close in a short amount of time. She's afraid of getting too close & opening herself up to the possibility of being hurt again. You put your heart on the line for love. I think taking care of business will help put her at ease & show her I'm serious about her, & of course, I will do my best to reassure her by words & actions.

On this week's to-do list

Sorry about your situation.

If your wife is comfortable with the arrangement you have why don't you both sit down and write your own petition to the court and file it? That is basiclly very inexpensive. $Usually less than $100..

IF custody is not an issue; and not contested by the parent not living with the child, then it shouldn't be an issue. You are not having to prove the non-custodial parent unfit. Then the parent the child is resideing with is generally the one the courts assign. Usually equal shared custody is a given but if the parents involved can define that amicable and so state to the court that is how it goes.

Either parent can go back to court and ask a custody arrangement to be modified until it is a moot point by age of majority or emancipation but again it has to be in the best interest of the child.

A non-custodial parent can abdicate their rights if they so choose but it is not generally considered acceptable as best interest of the child if a potenial parent is not immediately available to adopt the child. An adoption of a step parent is most common and the state is usually required to do a home study and a back ground check on the potential new parent. A home study and adoption run about $500 - $1,500.

Can you document the time your child has been living with you? Can you document that he is doing well? His needs are met? He needs a guardian adlitem (His own attorney)to protect his interests but that doesn't have to be horrendously expensive if you do the leg work and provide the documents. Most states would want things like a certificate of occupancy of the residence. Documentation that the child has had a compleat physical $200 and mental assesment (Often can be provided by the family practioner and sometimes the school counselor and is current with vacinations. If he needs any medications they are being filled and administered. He has licensed day care. He is enrolled in school. That you are drug and disease free. That you have no criminal record prohibiting unsupervised custody. That you have or will file for the financial means required to support the child. Public Assistance is never held against either parent but refusal to get services would be if it were evident it was needed. Probably want documentation of your earning ability from past income tax statements from poth parents. If parents can agree on childsupport it is generally set up through a written agreement where it is documented by paying it in and recieveing it at child support enforcement. If you do all this leg work and take it to a family court officer it could be done relatively fast.

You can research the applicable statues and on line or at your county law library.

Personally before you complicate your situation I would get the seperation filed $50. and proceed on the divorce. Do EVERYONE a big favor and leave your new girlfriend out of these preparations or you are likely to have serious problems.

Wow! Thanks for the tips; I'll defiantly look into some of that. I'm already getting a headache though.

Gawd I hate all this legal crap; it sure wasn't this hard getting married LOL! Thus the reason I've put it off for so long.

I don't really know what the x wants anymore as far as custody. There has been no communication outside of a few notes back and forth at the beginning. She said at the time that she wanted joint custody but hasn't made any effort in getting her sh*t together to pull it off. I don't know if she would fight my desire for physical custody or not.

I would like to file soon but if I do file instead of coming to an agreement with her & petitioning the court as you suggested, does that mean it would leave the decision in the hands of the judge? Sorry, I'm a bit ignorant to the way this works & I'm sure it's different in every state.

Thing is, custody doesn't automatically go to the mother, especially if she isn't going to fight you over custody. Might be time for a long overdue talk with your ex about this. If she's ok with the arrangements, the court will go along with it and then, that's something you can prepare and file on your own. Filing fees differ from state to state but they're usually not expensive.

joint custody, at least here in canada, doesn't have anything to do with primary residence.

joint custody is allowing both parents to make major decisions as to the education, religious, medical, etc. issues of the child(ren).

That's legal custody here. Joint custody generally refers to living arrangements.

As far as I know here in the US, there's physical custody & legal custody & they are separate. What you describe is the legal custody part. I want her an active part in his life & I would be okay with joint legal custody. I would like to be awarded physical custody & her to have visitation which is how it's been for over a year & seems to work.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. (Procrastination)

Don't worry about court so much, it has changed drastically. Women no longer get the children just because they are the mother.

Good luck.

Celebrating divorce being final 1 yr on Feb 8th.

Congrats on that! Wish I could say the same thing.

Pacific Star is right on.....and I would copy and paste that into a word document and print it out....and see what you can do. It does seem you and ex are ok with things...so just do it the cheapest way and be good enough to each other for your sons sake.


Aloha baby