I listened to a radio psychiatrist one day, and she suggested that all behavior has some kind of pay-off. The person gets something out of it. It might be positive or negative, what ever, but the person gets something out of it.
Ask yourself.
I did, and I am not going into the gory details, but after I did, I stopped picking women that were bad for me.
The next woman I dated, I married, lasted 17 yrs, and despite the divorce we are on OK terms

there were a lot of statements... which one are you refering to?



Guy, we have all obviously made our share or we wouldn't be here... I hope you don't think that I in any way think I or someone else picks better... I haven't figured out my common denominator but I know it's something I'm choosing and I'm not choosing correctly...

No worries, Joy.

This is just a discussion about something that occurred to me because of something someone else posted.

Just figured I would throw my two cents worth out there about it and I expected others to do the same.

Besides. I value your opinion.

I think that was in reference to the comment that about " common denominator ".

try to be a " bad boy" sometimes women like that.

Thank you hun..

sence i started dating iv had two relationships end with out them cheating. go fig my last two.

i couldnt tell u why, but the one answer iv got was "she needed to feel close to some one" with my one of my was good freinds and two randoms. right, she needed something? and only with that one, but at the time we decided to b selabent (not have sex)(cant spell and no spell check sorry), to better r freindship, over a year into the mess. so that ones kinda open and shut.

but wats with the others?

like u i went for def girls for the most part but i always seem to keep that one quality.

i must b a jack ***. lol

I have tried that. I was told that it just doesn't work for me because I " smile too much ".

Go figure....lol

After hanging on line here as much as I have I have seen quite a few of your posts and personally think you are and I mean this in and entirely positive way a nice guy. Your are caring, supportive, patient, generous, funny, smart, self depricateing, stable, and tolerant. You are also very predictable. You listen when most other people would not bother. You want to be a friend and want to be needed and wanted. While for a nice woman that is wonderful but for a not so nice woman that paints a really big bullseye right on the center of your chest that says "Screw ME Over". I think even though you might think you are doing the picking; they are picking you.

I don't think you do it intentionally but my guess is you just don't operate the way a manipulator does and really can't see it, or excuse it, or actually think it is seductive. Whatever the reason you repeat these choices so you need to look with in and see what you think makes you do it.

I do have to agree none of what you seem to be seems to warrant the abuse of cheating but cheating is not about what you are or are not it is about the cheater's fears and self loathing for themself and sometimes their parent's and has very little to do with you except it is easy to get it by you. Cheater's repeat what works. I guarantee you if you look at what is consistent in a cheater's life it will be someone very much like you. A nice guy that doesn't give up easily. Probably why you had so many longer relationships.

Maybe my ideas on this are all just feeling empathy and not wanting to kick someone when they are down but you asked the question and this is the answer that comes to mind. .

The common denominator statement. I know I pick wrong, but I don't think because I picked another person and it is my fault it failed due to me picking that person.

And that's another one of those quickie-sound byte glib cliches that really means nothing other than that the person doesn't have enough information or interest to make a legitimate assessment.

Like "It'll happen when you stop looking."

I feel pretty safe in ignoring that stuff.

And some things are true whether we believe them or not.

They're rarely simplistic enough to be summarized in a few overused words by someone who knows little to nothing about the person they're commenting on.

I'll agree with that. I know we can't control what others do, like cheat etc, only how we react or choose to do about it. I do think there are SOME common denominators at play however. Maybe someone is the type to ignore those little warning signals. No one can know if it was just bad luck or if someone too quickly looks the other way regarding things they should have paid attention to. As you say, not without knowing the person. That other thing, the when you're not looking thing....has happened too many times to too many people to NOT be true, RIGHT???!

You're attributing a cause-and-effect scenario to something that may, in fact, be entirely random. I have no way of knowing.

I have nothing to validate "It'll turn up when you're not looking" except for some third-hand anecdotal accounts, which I would hardly consider "evidence." From what I've seen firsthand, "Seek and ye shall find" (or, alternatively, let it be known that you're seeking) is marginally more effective than not looking at all. Again, the statistical sampling isn't large enough to base any conclusions on.

Do you get involved quickly with these women or do you wait and develop a frienship or get to know them better before being committed?

In the case of my daughter's mom....we knew each other since we were kids. We just kinda wound up together.

Second case...we were friends for quite a while online.

Third case...same deal.

Fourth...we met in a bar. I invited her to dinner at my house and she just pretty much never left. But she was the only one that didn't cheat on me. lol

Fifth...I am just gonna chalk that one up to being an idiot. Number 5 was the same one as number 3.

* note * Number 3 didn't cheat on me until she was number 5. She was faithful the first time around. At least as far as I know.

excellent point, from personal experience a woman that falls in love with you quickly, falls out of love with you equally fast

Okay, so the guys I've attracted weren't Cappies, but it's definitely the addict thing/they have low self-esteem, where I have to fix them or some such nonsense. And I truly don't believe I throw out the vibe. But maybe?

To my knowledge, I've never been cheated on, but that's because one of the first conversations after I'm truly in a relationship is that I can and will castrate you. It's not that hard, and I've done it with the animals. Get out if you want to screw around, because I don't do second chances.