Are we loyal?

We’re online friends having never met in person, but we generously communicate in every other way possible, including lengthy email and phone conversations, while also being able to see each other via web-cam on Skype or Messenger, and we’re involved in an emotionally rocking relationship, respecting and caring for each other immensely. But because of the physical distance between us, it could be as little as a few hundred miles, or as much as oceans apart, we know it could be quite some time, if ever, that we get to be together to caress our bodies in the same way we’ve caressed our minds and stoked our feelings.

So, do we remain loyal to only one special relationship we’ve created and invested time in, thereby rejecting all others who we also like and connect with to a lesser degree?

Or should we not expect, or ask for any type of commitment that could possibly limit our ability to search for and become more seriously involved with someone else who is closer and more accessible?

*************************************************************************
Are we lenient?

We all have our own definitions for what we find to be acceptable behavior on the part of those we love, boundaries we know not to cross if we want to keep a drama free relationship happy and growing closer. And we establish these certain limitations at the start of any serious commitment, so that if breached we know the violation could lead to consequences that we previously agreed on. While drawing our lines in the sand, we simultaneously don’t want to be collared and leashed to restrain our activities, because once applied they could be tightened so much that we’d be strangled to death. So we agree to draw the lines loosely, allowing for plenty of play room.

So, how do you define leniency in your relationships?

And what are the consequences if your love interest crosses the lines?

I've read your post three times and I still don't understand what you're asking. So, I'm going to reply to the thread title, "Where do we draw the line?"

Personally, I draw the line at tangible things. I'll give freely of myself emotionally, but I won't give away anything tangible. I will not share expenses or a bank account or a home. I've worked very hard for the little I have and I'm selfish with it.

I don't understand the question. What do you mean? Yeah, I've trusted people here with details about my personal life and I have talked about my feelings but they are just people on the internet.

If there's no prospect of a meeting or discussion about it what does loyalty have to do with anything? If I was talking to somebody that was interested in meeting me I wouldn't be spending as much time on forums talking to people that live thousands of miles away but I'm not.

I guess because the picture is so clear in my head that I naturally assume it would be in others too... It's really a very simple concept, but I must have made it too wordy to comprehend... this is it, hopefully in a nut shell... if we have met someone online and have established a close friendship between us, and the only thing keeping us apart is distance, that neither of us wants to cross right now at our own expense... do we stay loyal to the relationship building it to a deeper degree, and await future possibilities of it, or do we just remain good friends and seek people who live closer to us...

As for drawing financial lines, of which I wasn't addressing in either the loyal or lenient aspects, which revolve around our conduct toward each other... I don't share my bank account or my home with anyone either, as it has taken me 30 years to get where I'm at, and I don't intend to give it up for, or give it too anybody either.. so in this regard we agree... my emotions on the other hand... are mine to give and share as I like... just as you have said too...

Loyalty: You describe a long distance relationship, to me. I was in one for four years. Everything was great...he was willing to relocate, but he needed to have found a job first. The job market was at its worse. What did he do? He gave up seeking employment and ended our relationship. He was loyal until he got frustrated looking for a job. So, unfortunately, loyalty does have it's limits. There is this Spanish saying...Amor de lejos, amor de pendejos...which translates to Love from a distance, love of idiots.

Leniency: If my love interest crosses the line...he's out...and I don't believe in revolving doors. I cannot allow myself to be hurt by someone's carelessness or selfishness. My heart has a few healing patches...do not want to add another one.

My query can be interpreted in various ways I suppose... it all depends on the type and depth of the relationship or connection we are looking for, at any given time... I have also noticed in several other opinions that loyalty isn't prized as much these days, whether it's in a friendship, a personal relationship, within a family dynamic, an employer/employee status... to me a certain amount of loyalty in, and/or, from someone is a vital aspect regarding the trust issues that each type of relationship depends on to keep it working smoothly...

You say friendship, but it sounds like you mean more. If it's to become more, it needs to happen in person. If the other person isn't willing to meet for whatever reason, then I couldn't promise to be loyal to that "relationship."

Love from a distance is a love of idiots... very true in many ways... wow.. 4 years is a long time to devout to a long distance relationship, I would hazard a guess that you won't do that again any time soon... healing patches on your heart, how unique... and I totally agree...

hi sweet... now that I think about it, "if the other person isn't willing to meet for whatever reason, then I couldn't promise to be loyal..." that makes perfect sense, and now I see that I need to do some re-evaluating of my own feelings too...

Wow... I know that I think too much but that's a lot!
Aren't all relationships different.
Different expectations, needs/wants/desires, trusts given, loyalties maintained(or not).

btw, how do you establish those certain limitations that you speak of? DO you openly talk it out... make lists and such. Or just kinda' intuit things?

hi Ted, nice to see you again... I don't know if you've noticed yet, but I'm a very open and talkative, yet deep female, who likes to put everything on the table in black and white.. okay maybe we have to go through all the gray areas to get to the point, because we are online in a public forum.. but once in private I, and/or, me and he would discuss expectations in detail so there are no surprises, and any unrealistic issues can be easily addressed before furthering a commitment... when I was younger I was more spontaneous, taking life and love as it came... but now I am settled and my spontaneity is saved for the romantic side of life... and... as boring as predictability can be, I find that it serves me better in the long view...

Good number of folks here online have special ones in their lives..what re they looking for on site.. Everyone wants mr/ms perfect.. Everyone dreams of beautiful Rose garden in the horizon,instead of dreaming of rose flowers that bloosm right behind one's window.. There is no freaking way the feelings you've got for someone you've not met in person can stop you from being attracted to someone that is much closer to you..Comitment or no comitment,out of sight is out of mind..

I wouldn't allow myself to become that deeply involved with someone so far away because until you meet and experience someone, you just don't them. You aren't really involved with them, but only who you think or want them to be. It's an illusion. For all I know, that 22 year old hottie from Manilla is really a 70 year old, overweight gay man with a shaved head and handlebar mustache.

I still find what you are trying to get at in this thread confusing Athena but I think you just have different expectations about what you will achieve from being on this forum to me. You see it as a means to become friendly with someone and then for them to eventually travel to meet you and I think that it's so unlikely that any woman is going to get on a plane to meet me that I'm not going to spend my time daydreaming about it.

But as far as loyalty goes, if we can put aside forums and distance for the minute, when I have talked to ladies that I got on with and dating them was possible I didn't also message other women or chat on forums with them apart from on a purely platonic level. I mean, if I meet someone on a dating site and it becomes romantic and looks like it might be leading somewhere I don't also try to chat up other women. Did that in the past and I prefer to just be a one woman sort of guy because that's what I am and anything else is just too complicated and can lead to trouble with people getting hurt.

The first part of your essay, I would think you would not lock in, until you meet in person as you might not be compatible in person. So keep your options open.

I define leniency as letting someone I'm communicating with test whatever waters she wants to. I don't own her or have a "claim" on her, and I do not know what she is thinking. However, if we agreed we are a couple, then I would expect monogamous behavior and exhibit it myself. Essentially anything goes until someone is "taken." If you are in a supposedly monogamous commitment, and they cross the line, it is kaput.

You never know what will happen in life.

I'll go one better than that... it's possible to have several "special ones" at one time because this is online and there are no limits on anything we do other than the ones we place on ourselves... and, I indeed do have one special someone right now, but this person has always made it very clear that we are just friends, and we have made no plans to meet in person... while I am encouraged to remain online doing my own thing... but this doesn't mean that our connection has no real depth to it... it just is what it is... and I continue to communicate and put feelers out because I want to establish real friendships, even if they are just online, this is the way I enjoy living my life... I live in a very small town where there is absolutely nothing to do for entertainment other than fish, fight, and f**k, and I much prefer stimulating my mind in online conversations, and expressing my thoughts and feelings through my writing than watching hours of endless TV shows... or reading more books that disappoint me after I've spent days or weeks engrossed in them... whatever happens in my personal life remains to be seen, but in the meantime I'm going to continue doing as I always have... and hopefully I'll make more friends in the process...

While I'm on this subject, though you might not have a clue about what I'm fixing to explain... But... it has been brought to my attention that the status of my friendship with this person has been misinterpreted by some people online who think they know more about what is or isn't going on than they actually do. I write a lot of poetry to express my feelings and vent my demons, and sometimes people think my poetry, or the questions and scenarios I post on this board or others, are aimed at or about this particular person, when in fact, they are not...but that's what happens when people in groups like ours here on Mingle assume they know the real scoop, but they haven't come right out and asked me for my take on the issues. Okay, I'm done volunteering the information now...

that's a good one, Scoundrel.. and he sounds like the keeper I've been dreaming up all my life to find... 70, overweight, gay, shaved head aaaaaannnd a HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE!! OMG!! My prince has finally come for me...

Seriously though... I know what you're saying... and there's only so far we can go with friendships that are truly just in cyberspace... but this is a dating site, and who knows when, or if, one of my posts might just catch the attention of the man who really is interested in making my acquaintance in real time...

Okay, thanks for explaining what this thread is all about. I had no idea from anything that you posted that there was some guy on here that you really like though and as far as I'm concerned anything like that is private really and just between two people. Afraid that I don't read poetry threads though and I'm not really the sort of person that declares my love for someone publicly like that.

I don't think there is a right answer here. Limiting my relationships would be a personal choice. I don't think my love would appreciate it if I limited my associates on her account. What would that say about me? That I need to stop socializing because I'm afraid I might find someone better? If I start rejecting others, it would simply be because she is giving me what I need and I don't need any more. If she does not feel the same way about me, then I need to deal with that on my own.

For me, crossing the line means lying. The consequences are that I feel hurt. How can I build a serious relationship with someone that is afraid to be honest with me? The consequences are that I then start to lose interest in being serious. Beyond that, I don't think I have any "lines." I just follow my heart and do my best to behave rationally with the feelings that come my way.

As I've said since I came online, and what is posted on my profile, I'm interested in making friends and ultimately settling into a seriously committed relationship... and going even further... if I had established a lengthy and trusting relationship with someone, and I wanted to see them in person I wouldn't have a problem making the effort to go to them too... so no, I'm not waiting for my prince charming to come sweep me off my feet and confess his undying love and future loyalty only to me...

Also, as for my creating hypothetical scenarios and asking questions about loyalty and such, is because this is a dating site and I like to get to know people on more than just a superficial level, and these boards are here for us to use and communicate with each other while we seek and date... I want to know how other people think about issues as they relate to their own lives, and if the things that I find interesting or important are the same for others... as far as I'm concerned we are all making small talk on these threads getting to know each other better, and trying to read anything deeper into the OP's motives as to why they post certain topics well, it's better to ask than to assume...