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| Topic: People Afraid To Love (Restart Topic) | |
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The only thing I want to add at the moment, is that what this phrase is used as a label for, is more complicated than many people want to recognize.
The people who simply want to use it as a label for some of the people who they want to discard, of course, the details and accuracy of it really don't matter. And I quite agree that "unavailable due to emotional/psychological problems" is functionally identical to "unavailable due to being married to someone else," and to "unavailable due to having the incorrect sexual orientation," or any other "unavailable" category. No does mean no, after all. By the way, being "tough," and patting yourself on the back for refusing to sympathize with people who are so afflicted, is a sign in and of itself, of a certain amount of emotional unavailability. In my own experience, the people who are most firm about rejections like that, are pretty damn close to BEING that kind of person themselves. But not everyone who gets labeled as "afraid to love," have been accurately labeled. Not all who have, are so labeled, are actually afraid of being "hurt again." The label itself is actually a general term for all kinds of different things that impede such people from building the sort of relationships which both others, and they themselves, want to be a part of. |
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yeaa glad to see you back:) this is the best question I've seen here. I pleaded with the mod to keep it, but it was to far gone I guess... closed minded people grrrr:) don't they know what it means if a topic really offends them?
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I reckon my outlook on this, all jokes aside, is: "I didn't break ya, ain't my place to fix ya." Here's the other of my two cents - the philophobe might wanna "heal" themselves before getting involved with another person who's feelings they are being inconsiderate of. It is comparable to having sex with someone while knowingly carrying an STD. It's more than just bad manners, it is down right the wrong thing to do. Even emotionally healthy people experience some apprehension when the word love enters their relationship. It changes things to some degree. Blame it on Hollywood. that makes too of us left him speechless:) Great post regularfeller. Mostly agreed. We of course may not want to take that road of going through therapy with someone who has this phobia. Don't try to fix someone also. It is your decision whether you want to take part in being there for support, working through this with someone, who has this kind of phobia. That would be a long road, and a hard one, with continual withdrawal by the person who has this issue. It of course would be better to just be available to get involved with someone who does not have this fear, and is emotionally healthy and available for a relationship, therefore. Don't expect a person who has this kind of fear to be emotionally there for you. And things like this are not fixed over night, of course. A lot of times a person can have this kind of fear, and not even realize it also. It is a tendency, for a person who has this fear, to not even want to talk about it. The reason for that is because they know, to talk about it, is to try and work things out, work things through. And they don't want to work things out. Because they are afraid of closeness and love. |
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I posted the other day just before they locked it:( I completely agree with this for my part many don't trust and thus can never love, but I tend to push others away before they get to close because of my inability to let people in, I fear I will let them down. Does that make sense? I am able to love... I just never let it flower. Any Ideas would certainly be welcome:)
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*shrug* too cute.. you have nothing to say? lol  I posted in your identical thread.  I fear, NOTHING. u do know that fearing nothing makes u a psychopath? everone fears, its just getting over it in the moment. |
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I know someone who is just as you describe on here. He keeps asking me whether he should find love, or stay on his own? I'm not sure why he always asks me and no-one else. He always wants my opinion on things. I think only he can answer his own question. I can't make up his mind for him. He's very afraid of making another mistake. It makes him sometimes distance himself from everyone. Friends and family. He doesn't trust anyone. He always comes back around to being chatty, but it hurts my feelings to witness it, when he starts staring into the distance, and pushing me and others away. You can almost see it coming, because he starts looking like he's about to murder someone. It's been eighteen years since he left his ex for cheating on him. If he's still not over her, after this long, then hell knows what more can be done to help him. Some people remain stuck in time. And I fear that he'll never let go of what she did to him.
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yeaa glad to see you back:) this is the best question I've seen here. I pleaded with the mod to keep it, but it was to far gone I guess... closed minded people grrrr:) don't they know what it means if a topic really offends them? I wouldn't say people are closed minded darling lol ... you have a good post here too. But I also do think or view that there are some who are debating the very topic, rather than allowing it to be a place of support for people who may have really actually gone through an experience with someone who is afraid to love, which is the topic of the thread. |
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I posted the other day just before they locked it:( I completely agree with this for my part many don't trust and thus can never love, but I tend to push others away before they get to close because of my inability to let people in, I fear I will let them down. Does that make sense? I am able to love... I just never let it flower. Any Ideas would certainly be welcome:) This is a wonderful airing out. Yes, although it is off topic a bit, this comes across as you kind of feel almost unworthy of love? When you say "you fear you will let them down". Don't fear that, just move forward. Sometimes people let eachother down unknowingly and unintentionally. The thing to do for that is to talk through to understanding, and keep going and growing in the relationship, trying your best, both people. But if you just pull away because you feel you will disappoint someone, then your cutting yourself, and your partner short. |
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I know someone who is just as you describe on here. He keeps asking me whether he should find love, or stay on his own? I'm not sure why he always asks me and no-one else. He always wants my opinion on things. I think only he can answer his own question. I can't make up his mind for him. He's very afraid of making another mistake. It makes him sometimes distance himself from everyone. Friends and family. He doesn't trust anyone. He always comes back around to being chatty, but it hurts my feelings to witness it, when he starts staring into the distance, and pushing me and others away. You can almost see it coming, because he starts looking like he's about to murder someone. It's been eighteen years since he left his ex for cheating on him. If he's still not over her, after this long, then hell knows what more can be done to help him. Some people remain stuck in time. And I fear that he'll never let go of what she did to him. kind of similar situation I know of dear. The woman cheated on the man ... they had been together for a lot of years ... and had children together. Then she cheated. He was deeply in love with her ... and still to this day, many years later, he's afraid of disappointing someone he dates and is also afraid to love and let love in again. Once he starts getting too close and happy with someone, he starts that backing away, disconnecting, distancing, withdrawing/withdrawal. |
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******************************************************* Here is the topic: Let��s start over: A great topic to discuss views on. It is very true that some people are afraid to love and be loved. It's as almost love and loving feelings result in them feeling Claustrophobic. Deep down inside they want love, but also they are afraid of it. It's a conflict inside. Sometimes it stems from being hurt badly in the past by someone they may have been deeply in love with. They let that affect them, and don't look forward to happy, healthy relationships in their future, after some healing time. Then what happens in the cycle is, because of their past - they look at someone else in their future, with jaded eyes, or through jaded eyes - thinking and/or judging that their past hurts might repeat itself. When in reality, that other someone in their future is a wonderful person, who they could have a great relationship with, healthy and happy. This also keeps them from moving forward. This jeopardizes them from having a great relationship in the future. Love is letting go of fear. Fear and love can not exist together. The cycle involves people loving people who can not love back. They back away from love. When things start feeling too close, and happy, they back away, because it triggers the fear in them. And only when they've had some time away, does the fear then subside. And then only once the fear subsides, do they start missing the person again, and wanting to be together again. Then the cycle starts over again. At the fear stage, all they can think about is to get away, distance themselves, because of the fear. Once the fear subsides, after they've had some time/space apart, is the only time they can feel the loving and missing feelings again. Sometimes the reason they're afraid of closeness and love, is because for some reason, it results in them feeling trapped in some kind of way. And they just have difficulty moving forward in relationships. Some may overcome their fears, but some may never be able to, regardless of the circumstances. This is a real phobia, which actually needs professional therapy/counseling to overcome. Furthermore, this is a problem that can only be solved by getting inside the minds and exposing it. Similar principle to an alcoholic problem. Only once you realize it within yourself, and admit it to yourself, and recognize that you might have this problem, is the first big step to solving the problem. Otherwise, you will just continually push people and love away. Understanding the problem is the first key. With this insight, you will have the tools you need to know what is happening, and take control of your life, and the life of your relationships. Then, and only then, will you be capable, of having the kind of love you need and deserve. Let's discuss Beauty Brown Eyes   Oh Dear God! Look....it is simple. These days people come up with all kinds of excuses as to why they can or can't love someone or anyone. Thing is if you want to love someone then guess what....when that guy or girl comes along that knocks your socks off....you will love them. End of story. That person will take you for all your faults because you simply have to. If you can't, then get the phuck out of the relationship. Don't think he/she is right for you? Walk on and allow that person to hurt or be pissed at you. People...you cannot please everyone and while I am sure we all want to be nice...truth is....well the TRUTH hurts. Be scared to fall for someone. To me, that is healthy because it means you feel something. Hell....life is scary....taking risks are scary. But failure is a part of life. Live...love....do what you must....just don't become a whiney azz biatch and blame stupid crap for your love issues. Goof rant over.....now back to my book.....How To Win Friends And Influence People......cause I motivate!  
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Edited by
BeautyBrownEyes
on
Sun 05/31/15 08:36 PM
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There have also been quite several good books, written from Lisenced Professional Counselors on the subject of people afraid to love. It is an issue all it's own a well.
There are even also different methods of therapy the counselors use for this. One method is desensitization, as is other methods, as discussed in some of these books as well. There is indeed data on this stuff. Feel free to take it upon yourself to find the data through starting with googling. If you like, read up on it. That's also up to you too. Desensitization is used with a hierarchy. The goal of it is to shrink anxiety through a process of continuous confrontation & positive reinforcement. Working with the therapist, the patient is instructed to imagine each of these scenarios, one at a time, in order of increasing fearfulness. For a person who has these kinds of fears, their relationship hierarchy, going from least frightening to most frightening, might look something like this: In this example, let��s use a man. Women have these kinds of fears too. This is just for a simple example. Being introduced to a woman Asking a woman out for the first time Going on a first date Having several dates with the same woman Sleeping with a woman Having a monogamous relationship Living together Getting engaged Getting married Having a family |
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Those who are macho man will not understand because they are too tough to feel fear so they can't relate.
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I had to break it off with a woman that I loved very much because of crap like this. She was always telling me she loved me. And I feel like she did in her own way. But she would not let me all the way in. She believed she was unlovable. And the harder I tried to show her that I loved her the more she believed I didn't. It put a heavy strain on our relationship. I tried to get her to get some help. I even told her that I would go with her. It did no good. I tried for 6 months. I finally just couldn't take it anymore.
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I posted the other day just before they locked it:( I completely agree with this for my part many don't trust and thus can never love, but I tend to push others away before they get to close because of my inability to let people in, I fear I will let them down. Does that make sense? I am able to love... I just never let it flower. Any Ideas would certainly be welcome:) This is a wonderful airing out. Yes, although it is off topic a bit, this comes across as you kind of feel almost unworthy of love? When you say "you fear you will let them down". Don't fear that, just move forward. Sometimes people let eachother down unknowingly and unintentionally. The thing to do for that is to talk through to understanding, and keep going and growing in the relationship, trying your best, both people. But if you just pull away because you feel you will disappoint someone, then your cutting yourself, and your partner short. I completely agree with this.. its just convincing myself i believe it...:) |
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I reckon my outlook on this, all jokes aside, is: "I didn't break ya, ain't my place to fix ya." Here's the other of my two cents - the philophobe might wanna "heal" themselves before getting involved with another person who's feelings they are being inconsiderate of. It is comparable to having sex with someone while knowingly carrying an STD. It's more than just bad manners, it is down right the wrong thing to do. Even emotionally healthy people experience some apprehension when the word love enters their relationship. It changes things to some degree. Blame it on Hollywood. right may not be my job to fix ya but if I love you I will tryn understand, be there for ya and hold ur hand 
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I reckon my outlook on this, all jokes aside, is: "I didn't break ya, ain't my place to fix ya." Here's the other of my two cents - the philophobe might wanna "heal" themselves before getting involved with another person who's feelings they are being inconsiderate of. It is comparable to having sex with someone while knowingly carrying an STD. It's more than just bad manners, it is down right the wrong thing to do. Even emotionally healthy people experience some apprehension when the word love enters their relationship. It changes things to some degree. Blame it on Hollywood. right may not be my job to fix ya but if I love you I will tryn understand, be there for ya and hold ur hand
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******************************************************* Here is the topic: Let��s start over: A great topic to discuss views on. It is very true that some people are afraid to love and be loved. It's as almost love and loving feelings result in them feeling Claustrophobic. Deep down inside they want love, but also they are afraid of it. It's a conflict inside. Sometimes it stems from being hurt badly in the past by someone they may have been deeply in love with. They let that affect them, and don't look forward to happy, healthy relationships in their future, after some healing time. Then what happens in the cycle is, because of their past - they look at someone else in their future, with jaded eyes, or through jaded eyes - thinking and/or judging that their past hurts might repeat itself. When in reality, that other someone in their future is a wonderful person, who they could have a great relationship with, healthy and happy. This also keeps them from moving forward. This jeopardizes them from having a great relationship in the future. Love is letting go of fear. Fear and love can not exist together. The cycle involves people loving people who can not love back. They back away from love. When things start feeling too close, and happy, they back away, because it triggers the fear in them. And only when they've had some time away, does the fear then subside. And then only once the fear subsides, do they start missing the person again, and wanting to be together again. Then the cycle starts over again. At the fear stage, all they can think about is to get away, distance themselves, because of the fear. Once the fear subsides, after they've had some time/space apart, is the only time they can feel the loving and missing feelings again. Sometimes the reason they're afraid of closeness and love, is because for some reason, it results in them feeling trapped in some kind of way. And they just have difficulty moving forward in relationships. Some may overcome their fears, but some may never be able to, regardless of the circumstances. This is a real phobia, which actually needs professional therapy/counseling to overcome. Furthermore, this is a problem that can only be solved by getting inside the minds and exposing it. Similar principle to an alcoholic problem. Only once you realize it within yourself, and admit it to yourself, and recognize that you might have this problem, is the first big step to solving the problem. Otherwise, you will just continually push people and love away. Understanding the problem is the first key. With this insight, you will have the tools you need to know what is happening, and take control of your life, and the life of your relationships. Then, and only then, will you be capable, of having the kind of love you need and deserve. Let's discuss Beauty Brown Eyes Oh Dear God! Look....it is simple. These days people come up with all kinds of excuses as to why they can or can't love someone or anyone. Thing is if you want to love someone then guess what....when that guy or girl comes along that knocks your socks off....you will love them. End of story. That person will take you for all your faults because you simply have to. If you can't, then get the phuck out of the relationship. Don't think he/she is right for you? Walk on and allow that person to hurt or be pissed at you. People...you cannot please everyone and while I am sure we all want to be nice...truth is....well the TRUTH hurts. Be scared to fall for someone. To me, that is healthy because it means you feel something. Hell....life is scary....taking risks are scary. But failure is a part of life. Live...love....do what you must....just don't become a whiney azz biatch and blame stupid crap for your love issues. Goof rant over.....now back to my book.....How To Win Friends And Influence People......cause I motivate! LOL - good outlook ... funny too ... I love your sense of humor
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Those who are macho man will not understand because they are too tough to feel fear so they can't relate. LOL
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I had to break it off with a woman that I loved very much because of crap like this. She was always telling me she loved me. And I feel like she did in her own way. But she would not let me all the way in. She believed she was unlovable. And the harder I tried to show her that I loved her the more she believed I didn't. It put a heavy strain on our relationship. I tried to get her to get some help. I even told her that I would go with her. It did no good. I tried for 6 months. I finally just couldn't take it anymore. sounds like you made a good healthy decision for yourself, and to take care of your heart, - to move on. |
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I posted the other day just before they locked it:( I completely agree with this for my part many don't trust and thus can never love, but I tend to push others away before they get to close because of my inability to let people in, I fear I will let them down. Does that make sense? I am able to love... I just never let it flower. Any Ideas would certainly be welcome:) This is a wonderful airing out. Yes, although it is off topic a bit, this comes across as you kind of feel almost unworthy of love? When you say "you fear you will let them down". Don't fear that, just move forward. Sometimes people let eachother down unknowingly and unintentionally. The thing to do for that is to talk through to understanding, and keep going and growing in the relationship, trying your best, both people. But if you just pull away because you feel you will disappoint someone, then your cutting yourself, and your partner short. I completely agree with this.. its just convincing myself i believe it...:) You do believe it lol
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