That's what I find myself wondering often of late.

I came to the realisation that I don't really have a clue what you do when a relationship is healthy, fun and great, because I don't have a good example of such a relationship. My parents' relationship wasn't all that easy, so I seen and heard a lot of chit as a kid.
I can think of things, but I cannot really feel it.

I came to this when I started visualising how I'd feel if my perfect partner was with me.
As long as I stick to him and me being in the exclusively dating phase, it all works out. Then you still have that "I'm totally in love and I'm on cloud 9" feeling.
But as soon as I start visualising a partner with whom I live together, BANG! All system shutdown!
So I go easy on myself, stick to the exclusively dating thing.

But I keep asking myself: What do you do with a partner? Apart from steaming hot sex. That's a BIG plus
And sure, you have the cuddles, feeling of togetherness, eating together, someone to talk with etc. etc.
But you don't do that 24/7, so what do you do with that partner in between sex and dinner? (LOL)
Do you just park him in a cupboard for a bit? Stick him on the settee with the remote so he's out of your hair?
I REALLY don't know.
All I do know, is that I feel resistance when I think about that. A mild fear to get bored, being claimed, losing my personal freedom etc.
I do want a relationship, crave that connection etc. But there's still that 'but ...'

Sound familiar?

Maybe it's time I fall head over heels in love, cos I'm quite sure it will just go by itself then.

I never found it too difficult!
Find out what they enjoy that you would also find pleasure in. Then do it together.
Of course, sometimes a bit of education can be necessary, but that can be fun too.
A lot of people have no idea of even a few of the possibilities of things that you can do besides eat, sleep, TV and sex!! So you might have to start with your own education first......
Good luck.

you and I are a lot of like..

think what we need is a man that has his own interests..
maybe his own career
not someone that follows ya around house like a lost puppy dog
that would drive me nuts


there is such a thing as too much togetherness

I know that when I got stuff to do then best let me get to it..

like housework..get outta my way
schoolwork...don't talk to me
and don't call me or text me either or I will turn off the volume

but that is something about myself I have come to realize only after being the stay at home wife and do it all mommy for so long and then being single for a few years

I think it is important for couples to have me times so not to feel smothered,but to be honest Crystal I have not found a need to pre plan anything because the few times I have been in love the things to do just came natural.

Yes,... yes, that is what you do with them.. It is not up to you to make sure they are happy and contented 24/7..
Once the butterfly feelings have simmered down and real daily life and routine settles in, a pattern will probably emerge..
You wake up and have morning sex, coffee, etc. and then go about your day -You are an artist, so you paint or putter around - what does he do? He should either be going to work, or have a hobby to putter with.. Ya see each other later in afternoon and talk about your day, make dinner together, make plans for something, have conversation, go visiting friends, date night, whatever..some sex before bed....
there are comfortable silences...

Successful couples have developed an intuitive feel and rhythm for alone time and couple time. I cannot stress enough the importance of having a similar need for space within a relationship vs. the desire for together time. It is truly a crucial component.

In my experiences, when you've reached the level of comfort that allows you to parallel play (yes, like children in a sandbox) or take a long road trip in happy quietude you're sympatico.

That sounds alright, haha. And yes, you're right, it's not my responsibility to make a partner happy and contented 24/7. Thank you for reminding me of that!

I think for me it's a combination of worrying a partner will claim too much of me and a fear that I myself will allow a partner to take away my freedom.
Probably due to my last relationship where I allowed him to take away my mental and emotional freedom. Something I obviously need to work on still.

know thyself sista..


ya it's kinda one of big reasons why I am not dating
and not interested in a relationship right now

it's really not a very healthy outlook
if ya think of it as ..whole lot of work
with just another needy person in your life
that is gonna try to suck the life outta ya
monopolize all your time/attention
and try to keep ya from what it is you still want
to accomplish

move it buster

Yeah, I know, haha. I actually looked up the other day if I have strong Sagittarius influences in my horoscope.
I am a Taurus, but with many things I am totally not like a Taurus at all.
I got the 7th house in Sag., which has to do with ... relationships


Yep, totally agree! Someone who'd follow me around would drive me up the wall as well! Had that in my 1st relationship, and at the time I needed that myself, but not anymore. I've grown too much and am not that insecure woman anymore.



Same here. The first approx. 6 yrs of my marriage I was quite content being housewife and mother. And at some point after that I felt the need to grow, expand, and I started to study again. That was the beginning of the end of my marriage, as my husband didn't have that need to grow. I think it scared him that I was changing and growing, he feared losing me, and because of that, he did. He needed to stay put, no growth -still is like that-, I can't live like that. I used to joke that I was an eternal student when I was about 30, not fully realising that that is indeed exactly what I am.

I need to grow, develop, learn, experience, or else I'll wither. And I think that's what I'm scared of happening when in a relationship again.
And I know I have control over that myself, but maybe I don't completely trust myself in sticking to what I need. I let myself down that way in my last relationship, because I (thought I) loved him so much. (NPD, you study psychology, so I gather you know how that chit works)
But I'll work it out. At least I'm aware of it.

yes indeedy story of my life
was a stay at home mom because we both agreed it was best for kids
put my education/career on hold
with understanding that when the kids got older and in school
I would pick it up again
he "allowed" me to take a few classes here and there along the way
work part time if we needed it financially but..
there never seemed to be the right time for me to go back to school full time.." maybe next year honey when we have more money or if you would just do a better job at budgeting the money I send home to you"
or
" if you are discontent maybe we should think about having another baby"
or
" if you are unhappy and bored why don't ya just volunteer at church or the kids school"

I dont know how many times I tried explaining to him that I had my own identity separate from him..I was my own person when he married me
that my sole purpose in life was not to fold laundry and make out a grocery list each week

as time went by..the more I wanted to change and grow and become more of who it is I wanted to be

the more he dug his heels in, resented it, fought me tooth and nail on it

nothing I said ever worked
counseling didn't work
in fact by end of our marriage he told me he liked me better at 23 then 43
and admitted he never wanted me to finish school because if I did he knew I would leave him

does this have an effect on how I view relationships???? how could it not
that freedom I fought for came with a hefty price tag

I hear ya!


Yeah, I think I sometimes sabotage the dating process myself because of this, hahaha.
I really gotta work this out, because I do want a relationship. Been on my own for just over 3 yrs now, and since some 4-5 months I feel I am really ready for a new relationship. That's how I found out about this "hiccup" --> before that, I didn't really think about how it'd be in a relationship that much, cos I knew I wasn't ready for it yet.
And one could argue that I'm still not ready because of this hiccup, but I know myself, I tend to work through chit quite fast. I don't like to linger in 'feeling sorry for myself' kind of stuff.
Quite sure you're like that too?

That counseling thing ... been there done that too
He actually told the counselor (when I wasn't there) that he felt it was okay the way it was. He literally said he couldn't really be bothered with it all
So much for me trying to make things work again Waste of energy and a lesson that I have to learn to let go sooner. Learnt that in relationship No2 as well, haha. That IS Taurus in me ... I am faithful and loyal as bleep, so I tend to stay in relationships when they're way past their sell-by date, lol
.
.
.

When we ladies get into a relationship, we tend to push our own needs to the back and down to the bottom of the list...its our nurturing and mothering instinct
We need to move above that and realize (at our advancing age) that our own needs come first (look out for #1); we need to have a life of our own (some alone time); and enjoy others within our life who enhance it (a partner).

Sex sex sex

Yes, very well said, Kitty!
I've grown a lot in that area the last 3 years, but I haven't had a chance to put it to the test yet!

It does feel good to talk to you and others about this a bit :)

Thank you everyone for your feedback, including the ones I haven't directly reacted to.
It is mucho appreciated.

Here is an idea. Between sex and dining u do what u enjoy doing. If partner in to it do it together. Another fool prof thing to do is to by the book in two and speed read from the cover to the cover. Who loses buys the second book. Hahaha.

I have to agree, with the idea of finding common interests.. and doing them together...
In my case, above all, I HIGHLY enjoy trail walking/hiking in state parks, and looking for anything of interest... and trust, I am SO easily entertained on my adventures. I try to notice as much as possible. I like to read most of the, " How it was formed," posts they have at the scenic points of the walk also...
but I have been on the adventurous side since I learned to walk.

Hahaha. I,I,I. Sounds like the essay about yourself.... Did u see the topic?

Um, yes. I'd like to think it sounds like something to do with your partner, based on that part where I said "finding common interests and doing them together." The intent is an example.
I am pretty sure this falls into the category of something other than sex, to do with your partner.
Maybe you misread something in her post?

You can relax and take a deep breath now.
Thanks have a good day