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| Topic: Bounce Back Theory 101 | |
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Hi folks
Everybody should know it. If you don't then pull up a chair. It might save you some pain and your partner's emotions too. After you have been with someone, you develop deep emotional cords. When you break up, you've got to give yourself time to heal. If not your next relationship is doomed. Because you are "Bouncing Back" into dating without that important healing and grieving time. Sometimes you enter a relationship without realising that all the bounds and limits you had with your exe, do NOT transfer to your new relationship. Nobody likes it when your on a date and you call that person, by your exes name  Or worse, in bed. What are your thoughts and experiences with the Big Bounce???? |
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There's also something like 3 months rule, only after 3 months you should go look for someone new.
I entertained guys after that break up. I thought it's how it could heal, with the company of another guy. Totally wrong. I was somewhat like trying to find my ex in the new one. |
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I think this is more subtle than is usually recognized and talked about.
The thing is, as I have experienced both first AND second hand, is that healing, especially emotional healing, does NOT take place just because you sit and wait. There is no such thing as "waiting to date again until you are healed and ready." It's not that I want everyone or anyone to rush right out and dive into other peoples' lives without a thought, it's that I've come to realize that no one CAN really grow and heal and understand, without making mistakes directly. So yes, by all means, don't break up Monday, and then latch on to some poor person Wednesday, and find yourself either crying on their shoulder about your lost love, or angrily blaming them for being a member of the same gender. But no matter how long you wait, the fist time you "go back out there," you are going to be "rebounding" in many ways. What I suggest, is more of a recognition that each of us has to make some mistakes directly, and that that also means that we will also have to be the "victim" so to speak, of someone who is making that error. In fact, I have experienced that without ever having someone rebound ON you, you will miss out on all sorts of important subtleties of human understanding, which would enrich the love you do eventually find. Not saying this as well as I want to. Basically, dealing with rebounding from BOTH sides, is a normal and necessary part of learning to be someone's mate. |
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Edited by
Robxbox73
on
Sun 07/24/16 08:20 AM
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Good point IF! Like the clarification!
As long as light is shined on the subject, so our comunity can benifit! Thank you! |
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I think those grappling with a 'new' relationships before
the 'old' relationship is done need to wear big signs around their necks that say 'Damaged Goods, Don't Inquire Within.' Nothing worse than giving your all, that is only bouncing off the rear guard. Peeps jump in hoping to overwhelm the pain it seems..it just is not fair to anyone. If you start giving yourself away again, before you are whole, the pieces you have left will never make a whole. After my 2nd divorce, I blanked everyone out, I do not think I could even see the difference between a man and a woman I was so wrapped up in angst. And I knew it...so I avoided people altogether. Then one day in the grocery store (4+ years after) I was looking clear across the store and saw a feller loading/stocking shelves, and the dead part of me piped up with "huh, looking good there." And I knew I was free...finally :-) |
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Aw Soufie, good one girl!
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Aw Soufie, good one girl! hahaha not free, but..reasonable :-) |
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What are your thoughts and experiences with the Big Bounce? It used to be called rebounding? You'd read/hear things like "You're their rebound!/I don't want to be someone's rebound!" Which kinda sucks. Because "the Big Bounce" or a "rebound" can help someone heal. What do you read on the internet, in forums all the time? Why are people so mean and rude, dismissive, don't respond? What do you hear people like Obama say? "in the face of hate and violence, we will love one another..." So I wonder how many people have figured out the other person was "rebounding" or going through a "Big Bounce" and said "damn, I know what that's like, I'm going to try and help them, form a relationship to help them transition, enjoy it for what it is until it runs its course, be direct open and honest about it." From what I've read in the forums the common response is more along the lines of "OMG! They're not over their ex! Pariah! Unclean! Run away!" Which is funny. If not your next relationship is doomed. That doesn't mean it won't serve a purpose for one or both people involved. It always comes back with being honest with yourself about your true motives. Good luck with that. Sometimes you enter a relationship without realising that all the bounds and limits you had with your exe, do NOT transfer to your new relationship. Ha. Bounds and limits anymore with any relationship don't transfer to any other. Not even general civility. Hold the door open for a woman? "I don't need no man to do anything for me!...Where are the real men, is chivalry dead?!" Politely respond to an email from a guy because you think you're supposed to, even though it's a general rejection? "She's definitely interested!...wanna have sex? Here's a pic of my junk!" You have no idea how anyone is going to react anymore when you try to assert your idea of how you should yourself behave towards others. So What are your thoughts and experiences with the Big Bounce? There's more incentive to deny, lie to yourself, make yourself believe, you aren't going through "the Big Bounce" than being honest about it. Especially when you read things like "grappling with a 'new' relationships before the 'old' relationship is done need to wear big signs around their necks that say 'Damaged Goods, Don't Inquire Within.' " The perception is no one is going to accept you, no one is going to help you. That simply = ostracizing. People do the worst things imaginable when they feel ostracized, alienated. The easiest thing to do is lie to yourself, which people do, then go seek out the medicine to what ails you. Someone rejected you? Built a relationship? Tore it apart? Hurt you? Find someone that accepts you, maintains a relationship, protects a relationship, makes you feel good. What motivates others to do that? Them finding someone "normal" and worth the effort. So...become that person, even though you aren't. |
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peculiar you started this topic, as I had been thinking about starting one myself on rebound...
The man I've dated twice now hasn't been out of a relationship for that long, so in that sense you could argue he isn't ready for anything new yet, still on the rebound. I have had close to 4 yrs on my own, I've gotten over my ex, the relationship, healed. BUT and there's the big but ... there are things I haven't healed, couldn't heal on my own. Those are the things that directly have to do with a man/relationship and buttons that get pushed by that. And I knew there would still be buttons/triggers but didn't know exactly what. And now I've met this man, we click like you wouldn't believe, and holy crap, do things get triggered! Not like I'm a mess, okay, I have been a mess a few times, but not for a long time. I process real fast, and am able to communicate it in a calm decent fashion. I can also do this 'work' on my own before I communicate with him. Or at least try to, because I don't want to just chuck it on his plate as it doesn't belong on his plate to begin with. If we can work through it together by communicating, wonderful! So far that has worked out and I think and feel I can heal these issues real fast for the sheer reason that I have been on my own for 4 years. It's just a matter of deactivating the triggers, they're not really connected to the one who caused them anymore. With him on the other hand it's still different, as he hasn't been on his own for that long. So I'm wondering if there ever is a change of success in such cases. I think if you communicate well and both process fast so it isn't a lengthy ongoing to-do, there could be hope. But like someone else said ... if it's temporary only, to help each other heal, the relationship as is still will hold tremendous treasure for both of us! After all, what more could one want? Lovingly help each other heal! Isn't that one of the most precious gifts you can give another person? |
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Ohhh Buddy Rob.... Well I guess healing is important before you can "Move On" coz the next relationship will be overshadowed by the past if you haven't gotten over with it...though Healing could be slow for some and fast for the others, it depends on the level of one's coping mechanisms...anyway...I'll think of a better answer, I just need to Bounce Back in Bed Again....Lolzzzz
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Edited by
msharmony
on
Sun 07/24/16 01:34 PM
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sadly, I haven't had many that I built that close a bond with
if the relationship was substantial and meaningful,, I do need time on my own afterwards to make sure that I am not trying to avoid my own company and that I am still complete by myself,, before inviting someone new into my life and a rule of thumb for me was always to allow 2 periods before havig intimate relation with someone new few ideas are as terrifying to me as being a woman and not knowing who your childs father is,,, of course now, children aren't a consideration, but I still need at least a month between any 'intimate' partners |
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What are your thoughts and experiences with the Big Bounce? It used to be called rebounding? You'd read/hear things like "You're their rebound!/I don't want to be someone's rebound!" Which kinda sucks. Because "the Big Bounce" or a "rebound" can help someone heal. What do you read on the internet, in forums all the time? Why are people so mean and rude, dismissive, don't respond? What do you hear people like Obama say? "in the face of hate and violence, we will love one another..." So I wonder how many people have figured out the other person was "rebounding" or going through a "Big Bounce" and said "damn, I know what that's like, I'm going to try and help them, form a relationship to help them transition, enjoy it for what it is until it runs its course, be direct open and honest about it." From what I've read in the forums the common response is more along the lines of "OMG! They're not over their ex! Pariah! Unclean! Run away!" Which is funny. If not your next relationship is doomed. That doesn't mean it won't serve a purpose for one or both people involved. It always comes back with being honest with yourself about your true motives. Good luck with that. Sometimes you enter a relationship without realising that all the bounds and limits you had with your exe, do NOT transfer to your new relationship. Ha. Bounds and limits anymore with any relationship don't transfer to any other. Not even general civility. Hold the door open for a woman? "I don't need no man to do anything for me!...Where are the real men, is chivalry dead?!" Politely respond to an email from a guy because you think you're supposed to, even though it's a general rejection? "She's definitely interested!...wanna have sex? Here's a pic of my junk!" You have no idea how anyone is going to react anymore when you try to assert your idea of how you should yourself behave towards others. So What are your thoughts and experiences with the Big Bounce? There's more incentive to deny, lie to yourself, make yourself believe, you aren't going through "the Big Bounce" than being honest about it. Especially when you read things like "grappling with a 'new' relationships before the 'old' relationship is done need to wear big signs around their necks that say 'Damaged Goods, Don't Inquire Within.' " The perception is no one is going to accept you, no one is going to help you. That simply = ostracizing. People do the worst things imaginable when they feel ostracized, alienated. The easiest thing to do is lie to yourself, which people do, then go seek out the medicine to what ails you. Someone rejected you? Built a relationship? Tore it apart? Hurt you? Find someone that accepts you, maintains a relationship, protects a relationship, makes you feel good. What motivates others to do that? Them finding someone "normal" and worth the effort. So...become that person, even though you aren't. Wow great points! Tanks! |
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peculiar you started this topic, as I had been thinking about starting one myself on rebound... The man I've dated twice now hasn't been out of a relationship for that long, so in that sense you could argue he isn't ready for anything new yet, still on the rebound. I have had close to 4 yrs on my own, I've gotten over my ex, the relationship, healed. BUT and there's the big but ... there are things I haven't healed, couldn't heal on my own. Those are the things that directly have to do with a man/relationship and buttons that get pushed by that. And I knew there would still be buttons/triggers but didn't know exactly what. And now I've met this man, we click like you wouldn't believe, and holy crap, do things get triggered! Not like I'm a mess, okay, I have been a mess a few times, but not for a long time. I process real fast, and am able to communicate it in a calm decent fashion. I can also do this 'work' on my own before I communicate with him. Or at least try to, because I don't want to just chuck it on his plate as it doesn't belong on his plate to begin with. If we can work through it together by communicating, wonderful! So far that has worked out and I think and feel I can heal these issues real fast for the sheer reason that I have been on my own for 4 years. It's just a matter of deactivating the triggers, they're not really connected to the one who caused them anymore. With him on the other hand it's still different, as he hasn't been on his own for that long. So I'm wondering if there ever is a change of success in such cases. I think if you communicate well and both process fast so it isn't a lengthy ongoing to-do, there could be hope. But like someone else said ... if it's temporary only, to help each other heal, the relationship as is still will hold tremendous treasure for both of us! After all, what more could one want? Lovingly help each other heal! Isn't that one of the most precious gifts you can give another person? [/quote Yes I guess it had been floating in the collective of mingle! Great post Crystal! True story, I dated 8 women after my first devorice. Very comfortable starts, with tragic endings. I would always ask their birthdays And I used to have a date journal. Not a kiss and tell, just notes so I could spot things. After number 8, I checked my notes, being a systems analyst, I looked for patterns. The birthdays on all 8 were Pieces, my exes sign. Aaaarrrgh!!!!  I ended taking up therapy. I remebered showing the book to my shrink. He laughed and said, well that's unusual!!! I just stared at him,,, is that a joke??? Needless to say I rebounded and took the time to heal. Sure you can just jump back in there but 8 head on tragedies? Comon maaaaan! Funk dat! |
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Ohhh Buddy Rob.... Well I guess healing is important before you can "Move On" coz the next relationship will be overshadowed by the past if you haven't gotten over with it...though Healing could be slow for some and fast for the others, it depends on the level of one's coping mechanisms...anyway...I'll think of a better answer, I just need to Bounce Back in Bed Again....Lolzzzz [/quot Lol yes Twins, thanks for the post! |
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sadly, I haven't had many that I built that close a bond with if the relationship was substantial and meaningful,, I do need time on my own afterwards to make sure that I am not trying to avoid my own company and that I am still complete by myself,, before inviting someone new into my life and a rule of thumb for me was always to allow 2 periods before havig intimate relation with someone new few ideas are as terrifying to me as being a woman and not knowing who your childs father is,,, of course now, children aren't a consideration, but I still need at least a month between any 'intimate' partners That's good Harmony! Thanks for the post! |
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peculiar you started this topic, as I had been thinking about starting one myself on rebound... The man I've dated twice now hasn't been out of a relationship for that long, so in that sense you could argue he isn't ready for anything new yet, still on the rebound. I have had close to 4 yrs on my own, I've gotten over my ex, the relationship, healed. BUT and there's the big but ... there are things I haven't healed, couldn't heal on my own. Those are the things that directly have to do with a man/relationship and buttons that get pushed by that. And I knew there would still be buttons/triggers but didn't know exactly what. And now I've met this man, we click like you wouldn't believe, and holy crap, do things get triggered! Not like I'm a mess, okay, I have been a mess a few times, but not for a long time. I process real fast, and am able to communicate it in a calm decent fashion. I can also do this 'work' on my own before I communicate with him. Or at least try to, because I don't want to just chuck it on his plate as it doesn't belong on his plate to begin with. If we can work through it together by communicating, wonderful! So far that has worked out and I think and feel I can heal these issues real fast for the sheer reason that I have been on my own for 4 years. It's just a matter of deactivating the triggers, they're not really connected to the one who caused them anymore. With him on the other hand it's still different, as he hasn't been on his own for that long. So I'm wondering if there ever is a change of success in such cases. I think if you communicate well and both process fast so it isn't a lengthy ongoing to-do, there could be hope. But like someone else said ... if it's temporary only, to help each other heal, the relationship as is still will hold tremendous treasure for both of us! After all, what more could one want? Lovingly help each other heal! Isn't that one of the most precious gifts you can give another person? Yes I guess it had been floating in the collective of mingle! Great post Crystal! True story, I dated 8 women after my first devorice. Very comfortable starts, with tragic endings. I would always ask their birthdays And I used to have a date journal. Not a kiss and tell, just notes so I could spot things. After number 8, I checked my notes, being a systems analyst, I looked for patterns. The birthdays on all 8 were Pieces, my exes sign. Aaaarrrgh!!!! I ended taking up therapy. I remebered showing the book to my shrink. He laughed and said, well that's unusual!!! I just stared at him,,, is that a joke??? Needless to say I rebounded and took the time to heal. Sure you can just jump back in there but 8 head on tragedies? Comon maaaaan! Funk dat! Yes, I've seen that before. My mom did it for 6 (!!!) years! She somehow didn't manage to get over her husband. The last partner she had was almost an exact copy of him, in looks only though. I talked to my mom time and again, trying to get through to her that it was never going to work out for her at that rate. But it's something someone's gotta understand themselves. After some 6 years she sort of got the message, finally. Not completely though, to be honest, I don't think she ever got over that man (her 2nd hubby, not my dad). So in a way she's still on the rebound even though 20+ yrs have gone by ... (and she's still single) I am so not like my mom in that sense. I don't like to remain stuck, don't like victimizing myself either. Weren't you Taurus too? I think we're much like, we notice something -like a pattern-, decide we don't want it, and we work our way through it. Whether painful or not, we deal with it. None of that whingy whiney stuff. Deal with it! I'm like that too. I'm not on the rebound anymore. Worked my way through all the crap, took my time for that too. I mean, almost 4 years single. Took me two years to sense that I was done with it all and not on the rebound anymore. Then I wasn't really interested in a relationship for about another year. Enjoying my life. So basically it's only been about a year that I feel I would like a partner again. Not in a needy way. Just as a complement to my life and me. But yeah, got some triggers left. But since I'm not on the rebound anymore, I think I'll work through those real fast too. Taurus, right. |
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Yup, what's bad about that is I'm always fighting the Taurus tendencies!!!
;^) |
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Edited by
SimpyComplicated
on
Sun 07/24/16 04:53 PM
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It is more important to understand what a relationship is rather than to make it into anything.
While that may sound obvious we are pretty ignorant as to the hows and whys of relationships even when we think we know there is always stuff we are unaware of in our own and our partners motivation. Funny thing about relationships, any interaction with another means you are relating to them even if the interaction is only thinking about them. So relationships don't so much end as they simply morph into a different relationship. So when a relationship ceases to function as anticipated and we separate. The process of understanding what ourself, them, and the relationship was and is will continue but never finish. The recovery after such upheaval will depend on how well each of you understand what the relationship was and the appropriateness of the copping mechanisms you have and develop. The bounce will depend on the roundness, the resilientness and the flexibility of the individuals. Not to mention balls |
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Thanks SC, good insights. I don't care what people say, your not complicated! ;^)
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That's the entire purpose of a rebounder.
You are able to dump all of your past relationship problems onto a new person. Then you can dump the new person and have a clean slate for someone you want to become serious with. |
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