Not talking about your bowel movement, please forego answering that!!

What I do mean ... Most know the saying "When you do what you did, you get what you got!"
Yet, when it comes to dating I get the feeling most keep doing what they did, keep getting what they got, which didn't make them happy, and then they end up complaining, getting desperate, bitter and so on.

Why is it that people learn and grow and develop when it comes to other areas of life -well, most do I hope!-, yet when it comes to finding a partner or even when IN a relationship, most everyone becomes stagnant. Keeps repeating the same thing, whether it renders the desired outcome or not.

If ever there was an area where you have to get and remain creative, learning, evolving, it's in a relationship and/or in dating.

I'm wondering ... do you change your MO (modus operandi) when things don't work out in dating? Or do you keep banging out the same methods that have proved to not work yonks ago, and do not give you the results that you want, hoping against all odds that maybe one day it will stick?

Or do you take responsibility for your own love life not working out, review your own MO, and start to realise that maybe if you do things differently, you will get a different result?

If you do what you did, you will get what you got!
So if what you get doesn't please you, change! Learn! Grow! Try something different for a change.

Your question is a delightful one as it asks the reader to assume some modicum of responsibility for their life and dating strategies. The more one assumes responsibility for ones dating the greater the likelihood of gaining insight into others, the processes of dating and oneself. I have learned that women in general who only offer single photo and or head shots alone are usually obese. Given that the average woman is 165 lbs that means the majority of women are not HWP nor likely healthy. So by specifying HWP one hopes to find partners who share a desire to be fit and in shape. Similarly those with euphemisms such as " a little extra" " curvy" and the more devious " average" are not likely honest nor HWP. The issue here is personal honesty as while some men prefer HWP others prefer BBW and honest descriptions increase and facilitate the best matches rather than deceptive ones that simply lead to a meet and greet that fails the litmus test of reciprocal chemistry, Next people who write well written narratives and profiles invite the reader to appreciate the range of skills, talents, interests, values, and preferences of others and this helps facilitate better evaluations and potential partners for both sexes. The degree of directness and willingness to meet for a quick meet and greet is preferable to extended and incessant emails and texting which only delay the needed meet and greet which helps determine chemistry as is not served with excessive chats and emails only to be discarded when an actual meeting happens. Being able to meet and greet in a public place is a needed social skill as too much time is spent without acknowledging the necessity of an early meet to determine potential chemistry a major component of interpersonal attraction. These methods have increased the quality of people and their corresponding match and help facilitate the eventual partner for a healthy and compatible match. If the reader finds these methods to be difficult or too complex they are free to continue their likely less effective methods and avoid the opportunity to learn and enhance their own social skills and greater success in internet dating....

obese cant it be like voluptuously on the heavy side?

While I agree, we must all take responsibility for our lives and the results of our choices - I do think there are limited options when it comes to dating.

I have thought over your question many times, and made an effort to be more creative in my dating life.

I also like "The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" ...

I think it has a lot to do with luck. Just my thoughts.

IMO most people don't really "learn and grow and develop" so much as specialize.

You say "other areas in life."
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that.

A person can learn and grow and become a better accountant.
But that's still ultimately specialized repetition of the same thing.

"When it comes to finding a partner or even when IN a relationship" it's like finding a completely new career, or starting an entirely new company in an entirely different field.

Communication is different, expectations are different, culture is different, the heuristics developed in the last relationship (you may not even have realized you've developed) don't transfer.

Communication and skills in one relationship don't automatically transfer to another.

People learn, grow, and develop primarily, in general life, along a path devoted to developing secure routine, attempting to remove the multiple subjective.

Each relationship is its own subjective world.

There's not a lot of learning, developing, and growing (outside of basic social skills) that can actually help you in new relationships, only that can help you keep a relationship, IMO.

Therapists, sociologists, medical doctors, psychologists, all the people that tend to help people "learn, develop, and grow!" have above average divorce rates.


Maybe.
Like tailoring your resume to fit the job description rather than just throw everything at them and hope they find enough in there to hire me?
Doing so (tailoring) tends to lead to different perspectives of my history and myself, having to focus on what to present about myself they indicate is important to them.


Not based on my understanding of the word "responsibility" and the definition I think you are using here.

I see adapting as different than taking responsibility and changing.

I don't really assume responsibility or assign blame when a relationship doesn't continue.

I also don't see the end result of a "failed" relationship being my pain, necessitating a need for something to "change" in order to avoid it, or to obtain some kind of idealized goal if the relationship "works."

That's where it completely breaks away from the whole "career/job" analogy.


Lots of problems can come with sayings like this.
- people not seeing how they are doing things differently, try to objectively quantify something that shouldn't be, and coming to wrong conclusions.
- over focusing on one consistent thing they are doing and labeling it "the problem" that's proving the saying true in their mind, meanwhile not focusing on other areas where "the problem" could be inconsistent communication which they express as a means to try and be consistent in behavior or vice versa.
- attempting to oversimplify their life, thoughts, feelings, experiences, identity so they don't have to think so much and can live by simple sayings.


sayings always make me cringe a little.
"You slept with hookers, you got herpes!"
"You have sex out of wedlock, you give birth to a dying encephalitic baby!"
If you do what you did, you will get what you got!

You can use them to prove whatever you want to be true, as true, and feel emotionally morally righteous which simply feeds on future shortcuts and stereotypes that lead to problems.

no i always get what i want

I don't really change anything about myself. I think that would be a challenge for me to do. I change in the sense of maturity or experiences, but thats about it.


I stick with the " I am who I am" M.O., Some like that, some don't. But for me to try to change.. me.. wouldn't work too well.

Because then I would have to " play that role" and it just wouldn't be me.

Growing, learning and developing is not about "playing a role". No one talked about pretending to be something you're not. That's not growth, that's BS.

So you stick with I am who I am. Fair enough. But what if you'd find out that there's something in the way you do something, let's say the way you communicate with your partner. And you come to understand that that way of communicating is far from handy in a relationship, can even undermine it in the long run.
Do you then not look back at past relationships to see if there's a recurring pattern? And if so, do you not feel inclined to change that pattern? Not for your partner, but for yourself?

Honestly, I would listen to what my partner had to say about my communication, give it solid thought and maybe I would change my approach and then again maybe I wouldn't.

It would really depend on the situation, the relationship level and the person.

Topic: Are you Stagnant?



'n'

When it comes to dating I'm so far beyond stagnant that I'm a salt flat. I don't even think I know how to date anymore and now that I think about it I wonder if I even knew how TO date.

Thank you for your feedback!
I find it real interesting to see how other people deal with and think about such things :)

Off-topic, but I cannot resist. Obese is a very subjective word. In the USA there's a lot of people so big that the word "obese" doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'd never seen anything like that before in my country. Yet, Americans don't seem to bat an eye when they see them.
Now I do suppose even within the USA this will vary. I also know many Americans go completely overboard with diet and sporting and are so skinny they're ugly, they look anorexic. Horrible!
I doubt there's any other country in the world where the difference in body size is so big.
What's considered a 'beached whale' over here would be average in most parts of the USA.

Someone's point of reference is based upon what they're used to. And I can understand many here -mostly Americans- feel people lie about their size. I think it's understandable and not lying. In some areas obese will be quite normal, thus average, in other areas anorexic is normal. Doesn't mean people lie, means there's a helluva lot of different 'normals' in the USA.
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So you do think about it, you are willing to grown etc., just that you don't know how to go about it?

I hadn't planned to go into details on it, but maybe it'll help you. It's not about changing your profile text -although that can help a lot too!-, but more about how you behave. For instance, a lot of people are needy and clingy. That has quite the impact on dating and a relationship and it's something that you can change. By learning to become more confident and to develop your self-esteem.

Someone who's confident and has healthy boundaries and good self-esteem will attract different potential partners than someone who's needy.

You're energy will change, the way you can communicate will change (because you're not so afraid of losing the other anymore when confident), the way you move, walk, touch, talk etc will all change.
And when confident and empowered, you will write a totally different profile text as well, as you will present yourself in a completely different way.

Just pay attention to someone who's confident and someone who's insecure. The way they move, walk, talk, and behave is worlds apart! Meaning they will attract totally different potential partners.
A 'real' man (confident etc) won't be interested in a needy, clingy, insecure woman. He'll go for the confident radiant one. Someone who can stand beside him, not the one that needs to lean on him and is dependent.
Meaning that if you work on those areas, your dating pool will shift tremendously!

It won't make you into someone you're not, it will basically bring out the real you that was kept in the dark by insecurities and low self-esteem.
Meaning you will grow and develop and blossom as an individual.

Actually, what is a beached whale in other nations is also a beached whale in the USA.

Yeah, when talking whales, lol, I was talking about people though

Me, too.