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| Topic: when your best just isn't good enough | |
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Oh, and to add to the "doing your best" thing... When a relationship works, you don't try to do your best. That would be constantly putting in effort. A good relationship may require some work here and there, but not a constant effort. When both are happy in a relationship, it's nourishing, and you are your best, or on your way to becoming your best. You bring out the best in each other. Nourishing... It doesn't require effort. You do that because you are happy, and the connection is nourishing. Trying to do your best is more about making an effort to please the other. That's not what it's about really... Would be very exhausting. And in a healthy relationship you should also get accepted if you didn't dress up to be model-gorgeous etc. etc. etc. Have you any idea how much work it is to look model-gorgeous? Watch "What Women Want"... Mel Gibson sure as heck found out! . Personally I wake up looking gorgeous I go to bed looking gorgeous..lol.. and yes I hate to correct you a relationship is work.. It doesn't have to be hard work but it is work... if I love somebody I always try to do my best for them.... nothing wrong with expecting that back in return...in a relationships and when people stop trying to do their best..that's when the train comes off the track There best not my best but their best.. .. we always know when our partner is trying his or her best.. we also know when they're just phoning it in..lol I did mention it may require work, yes. But if a relationship is mostly 'work', it's not the right one. As for the rest, we're going to have to agree to disagree. Trying to do your best is effort, effort is exhausting. No one can effort for the rest of their lives. I don't do my best to please him, I please him because he makes me happy. The relationship makes me happy. Just being with him makes me happy. And the same the other way 'round. There's no effort. Maybe it's semantics that trips us up here, but in general I don't agree with the 'effort' part. Sure, there can be effort needed sometimes, in any relationship, but not all of the time and not too often. Exhausting. Trying to do your best is doing something that's expected of you or what you think is expected of you. Or trying to get something back for your effort. That's not being yourself. That's what I have a problem with in this context. Again, maybe semantics.  |
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This thread is funny.
So tired of meeting people and hearing them say I'm doing my best!! But really are you??. when your best just isn't good enough you figure out if your expectations are realistic and/or are too high, whether or not the expectations are based on consistent historic behavior or desired behavior, as well as what might be keeping them, or yourself, from living up to them. This is where your confrontational skills, conflict resolution, ability to engage, and communication helps you. So people when you say you're doing your best to be with your partner.. Really think are you really doing your best If they don't have the desire, energy, mood, time, personality, whatever, to "do their best," why would they have the desire, energy, mood, time, personality, whatever, to "really think" about or self diagnose their behavior? It's like saying "if you aren't doing your best, then do your best to figure out why you aren't doing your best." If you have a problem with them not doing their best...it's your problem. Confront them about it, engage them, address whatever problem you have, and force them to think about it. If you want them to do their best, you have to do your best to help/get them to identify the problem, and motivate them to want to do their best as you see it. Other than that, reciprocity isn't always commensurate or equal. They may not be doing "their best" at one particular time, but will overcompensate later to try and make up for it. Do you do your best to appreciate how or if their best in one area is partly to make up for a lack of their best in another? |
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It is typical for people in relationships to inflate the shortcomings of their mate and inflate their own contributions , when the reality is often that:-
1. BOTH parties are making notable contributions in some areas, and BOTH parties are half-azzing it some areas of the relationship 2. BOTH parties are usually too busy pointing out each others' offenses to notice their own flaws or notice the other person's areas of strength. Because this post comes across like one person is being demonised and the other person is elevated to sainthood, it appears to be less an issue of people giving their best, and more about the act of finger pointing. |
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Well now the nicest thing I can say is this...
Sometimes our expectations of "someone"doing their best will not live upto what we want. Time to move on to someone that will live up to "doing your best"means to us. Sounds like these twp people were on opposite spectrums of the playing field and are not going to mesh. Don't feel comfortable getting into specifics sinde only one side is represented. |
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I really don't want or expect ... Your Best. All I really want is for you to be ... Yourself. All I can ever be is ... Myself. BEST and WORST can only be determined after establishing a pattern. Even then it is only defined by your own sense of worth. Worthiness is a personal judgement we make to determine if the other person can fulfill our desires. Those that do fulfill our desires are more worthy than those that do not. It is not a matter of try. As Yoda Says: Do or do not, there is no try. Be certain that you can achieve it, or you will not be able to. Integrity is a trait that I look for in those I consider. This topic is about integrity. Its about recognizing the lack of integrity in another, and ... in yourself. It is not the proclamation of intent that matters as much as the actions displayed. Be a SAYER that backs up words with being a DOER. If you can't commit to something don't make the commitment. 
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assumptions NO1
you got a lot of em ya ya so do I about what you would expect from another human being based on the amount of effort that you give you hold them up to your own standards but she is not a mind reader ya ya I know..why do ya gotta spell it out for them shouldn't they just want to do this out of love and consideration mmmmm...you cannot make someone do something she is not willing to do oh ya you can gripe and complain and voice your concerns but she will either change or ...she won't |
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She/they will either change ... she/they won't
Here is the problem with that. They think and justify it with..who do you think you are trying to change who I am and not how I am and how I think. From my experience most don't spend time upstairs working on their discombobulated mind/thinking process. I was shocked just yesterday talking to a twenty-four year old female at the restaurant i go to and have known for about a year. She has her head on straight and she attributed it to her awesome parents/upbringing. |
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It is typical for people in relationships to inflate the shortcomings of their mate and inflate their own contributions , when the reality is often that:- 1. BOTH parties are making notable contributions in some areas, and BOTH parties are half-azzing it some areas of the relationship 2. BOTH parties are usually too busy pointing out each others' offenses to notice their own flaws or notice the other person's areas of strength. Because this post comes across like one person is being demonised and the other person is elevated to sainthood, it appears to be less an issue of people giving their best, and more about the act of finger pointing. Pretty much sums it up....
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Another thought on this...
I do know all too well, how painful and obnoxious it can be to have someone who I thought was a true mate, prove to me that they are really just paying lip service to the whole deal, and I sympathize with anyone else discovering that they are dealing with such a person. It's the proposed "solution" that I take issue with. As someone above said well, the only logical thing to do when someone is obviously not as dedicated to you as you are to them (which is what this is really about), the only logical thing to do, is split. NOT chastise them, or try to guilt-trip them in to putting on more of a show of caring. I have concluded myself, after some very painful experiences of my own, as well as observations of others, is that as soon as either person starts trying to quantify the other person's efforts, it's as good as over. Because the only way anyone CAN calculate such things as caring, is to first reclassify the person being judged, as an OBJECT. There's an old line in a trite movie that goes "love means never having to say you're sorry." A better one for this might be, "love means never counting how many times she farts in her sleep." Or something similar. You get the idea. |
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