Ive heard lots of women and men say that they want a serious relationship with no mind games.

Can anyone give examples of mind games people play in the dating arena?

I am asking because I wonder if others have a different perception of mind games than I do

I saw a documentary years ago.it was about predicting
who would have a good long marriage and who would not..
they claimed the could tell by watching the couples
for an hour or 2.

So the audience watched the couples work together on a
project, building something from scrap paper and such.
We watched how they interacted with each other.

Well, the point ended up being..those who 'played' with
each other had a deep understanding of the others needs
and their marriages would last.

Those who went right into, sort of..sparring with each
other, ridiculing, lack of cooperation, they predicted
these couples would not last.

Then they followed them for years.
Dead on, they were.
They called it 100%.

Not what you were looking for Pegs maybe but the idea of
'playing' or head games reminds me of this.

I totally agree with that study soufie . I really dont know how couples survive without play chemistry. , but Thats the healthy kind of play. Mind games seem to have a more toxic effect on the morale of the couple though. I hear complaints about it all the time.

Passive aggressiveness.
Sex as a weapon or reward for desired behavior.
Personality shifts alone vs. other people.
Emotional manipulation of self and others.

Pretty much anything where the direct idea or behavior expressed could be taken at face value, is relatively socially acceptable or even desired, but indirectly motivates a desired response or change in the others behavior, beliefs or perceptions.

e.g. "Does this make me look fat?"
Having to wait 3 days before calling after getting a number.
Having to wait 3 days before calling after sex.
Objects/gifts as messages.
Attention then inattention.
Flirting with others and jealousy.
Ghosting after dating/sex.
Forcing things into ultimatums.
Expected mind reading or over relying on indirect communication.
Deep conversations and information purges at meaningless or arbitrary times.
Slowly push or pull away then come back, on and off; relabeling fwb/dating/friends.
"Hard to get," or, acting uninterested, or, "negging."
Phishing ("What are you looking for? Where do you think we are? The Talk").
"Hate the game, not the player."





That's a mind game in itself.
Ironic.

Trying to make the other person jealous and even trying to test them to experiment with their tolerance level are great examples delightful .

I think most people would agree that those actions are designed to manipulate their partner in some way.

But with regard to the example of playing hard to get, I ve heard both men and women say that anytime they have been forthright about their feelings in the early part of dating , someone , that the person appeared to pursue them less.

If this is true, is it possible that a person being cautious with investing their emotion could be accused of playing games?

How us that a mind game? Maybe someone will explain that to me

i will never know and i dont even wanna know.

Yes, what's up with that peggy? It completely baffles me and is really frustrating. They know their interested in the beginning with sweet talk, flowers, etc.., and soon after you let them know you're interested, they back off from the sweetness and either start treating you poorly, or start picking on you, teasing you insatiably. Kind of reminds me of that song, "You don't bring me flowers anymore".

I don't get the teasing part, unless it's like when we were in grade school and the boys only teased the girls they liked. Only we're not in grade school anymore. But perhaps, once you let them know you're interested, they too have fears or aren't quite sure how to act, so they pick on you instead of continuing the sweetness.

I do believe it's possible for the one who is being cautious with investing their emotions could be accused of playing games. It's happened to me and I've seen it with others. I've never been one to really play hard to get...I've been told by others to do that, but doing anything other than what's natural escapes my mind in most things in life. So "playing" in a manipulative way, doesn't really enter my mind.

I have been overly cautious, mostly in the last couple of years. Whether that's just being scared or having learned from past mistakes, I'm not sure at this point and time.

Interesting topic peggy, I believe over all it's tricky to determine if someone is really playing games, what appears to be a game to you, may not be in their mind. I believe the only way to know for sure, aside from asking them straight out, is time. Asking though, doesn't necessarily mean you'll get a straight or honest answer...especially if their playing games. Mind boggling!!!

We all been playin' those mind games forever
Some kinda druid dude liftin' the veil
Doin' the mind guerrilla
Some call it magic, the search for the grail
Love is the answer
And you know that for sure
Love is a flower
You gotta let it, you gotta let it grow

Mind Games (John Lennon, 1973)

Anytime someone is not being themselves is a game. It really doesn't matter why. It involves misdirection, substitution and plain old lies. Its a fabrication used to reach an objective.

They can and often do, use truths as a tool to reach their objective as well.

Example...
Cowboy/Cowgirl persona that is a total fabrication due to the fact that they have never been near a cow let alone experienced the difficult life that it involves. Yet they pretend to be as a method to reach an objective.

Example...
Emotional outbursts inflated for effect. (crocodile tears).

Example...
The "Oh, Pity Me" syndrome used to reach their objective.

Example...
Misplaced, non-applicable displays of emotional outbursts used to set an atmosphere conducive to their intended objective.

Example...
Constantly testing for deception, setting up lies to see if the other will catch it and what they will do, using complex facades to cover lies creating a situational deception that changes the nature of the relationship...then complaining about it.

Contrast to "Head Games" example...
I want to have passionate sex with you right now.
Okay, Me too.
Then you do.
Or
I want to have passionate sex with you right now.
I don't but later I will
Then later, you do.
Everything else is a game that gets played to that result.

Contrast to "Head Games" example...
I want to go fishing today.
Me too.
Then later that day you both go fishing.
Or
I want to go fishing today.
I don't but I will go shopping, see you when we get home.
Then later, back home, both are normal and no issues arise.
Everything else is a game that gets played.

Passive aggressiveness.
Sex as a weapon or reward for desired behavior.
Personality shifts alone vs. other people.
Emotional manipulation of self and others.

Pretty much anything where the direct idea or behavior expressed could be taken at face value, is relatively socially acceptable or even desired, but indirectly motivates a desired response or change in the others behavior, beliefs or perceptions.

e.g. "Does this make me look fat?"
Having to wait 3 days before calling after getting a number.
Having to wait 3 days before calling after sex.
Objects/gifts as messages.
Attention then inattention.
Flirting with others and jealousy.
Ghosting after dating/sex.
Forcing things into ultimatums.
Expected mind reading or over relying on indirect communication.
Deep conversations and information purges at meaningless or arbitrary times.
Slowly push or pull away then come back, on and off; relabeling fwb/dating/friends.
"Hard to get," or, acting uninterested, or, "negging."



I have to agree with most of your examples tom. Some are so accepted as basic relationship practices that I hadn't even thought thought of it as game playing


I disagree with one however - "Phishing ("What are you looking for? Where do you think we are? The Talk") "

How did this one make the list? What's wrong with asking someone you are interested in where the relationship is going . since when is seeking clarity a game?

This is actually the reason why I started this thread. I'm wondering if it's common for people to have conflicting ideas regarding what constitutes game playing.

The strange thing Lu is that a person could be labelled a game player without even understanding why

The strange thing Lu is that a person could be labelled a game player without even understanding why

allow me to explain please.
i was merely giving an example and simply stating that i am not interested to know about other people or the player itself might do.
hope this is clear enough. thank you.

Pisces.... Do you see how it could be a vicious cycle? If a person has a history of their suitors affection waning after receiving a confession of interest from the object of their desire, then how do they remain true to their feelings without falling into the unhealthy pattern mentioned before. And then the cautious person may easily be accused of being the game player. What a weird process to navigate!

Very good soundtrack for this thread Mike !

I think it might also be interesting to look at how people "think" someone is playing a head game but they really are not.
That, I believe, can open a whole different can of worms in the relationship.

As for questions...
Most questions are not head games but depending on the 'timing' and the 'context' of the question they can be.
Discussions stemming from some questions can turn into head games, as well.

Where is this relationship going?
What, you don't know?
A head game

I feel as though our relationship is starting to stagnate. Do you feel it as well?
This might garner a different, more honest, response.

Most people will not own their feelings openly. It is a defense mechanism. They will redirect the focus of their query to make the other say it first. This is a head game.

I was told during marriage counseling that we should own our words. To speak in the present sense personally. Use words like "I", "me", "we" and "ours". That saying "you" when talking about issues, places blame on the other and it will illicit a defensive response.
I can say that it was great advice. Many arguments were avoided or stopped using that advice. Problem is, if only one person is aware of it, the other's attempts at head games and manipulation gets focus faster, which can lead to a whole new set of arguments.

Playing head games with someone is a deception.
Living in a world of deception causes some people to use head games without even realizing it. It becomes a personality trait.
The more head games played, the more one thinks in that perspective. It opens the mind to delusional thinking and the honesty of self gets lost.
The person finds themselves forced to act out the scenarios that support the head games. This causes inner conflict and builds stress and unhappiness. They feel trapped in a false world of their own making.

Everything you said sounds reasonable to me Tom, but how do you reconcile your sentiments with people who are interested in the beginning but change their mind or people who genuinely havent made up their minds about how they feel?

I totally understand Lu. Cheers

Yes, weird and difficult. I guess that's why communication is so important, if they can last long enough for that, that is. This combination rarely does, or so it seems to not.