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| Topic: Dealing with a troubled past | |
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Ok so I posted here that this girl i had been talking to suddenly started pulling away. Well I took the advice of one person and stuck around to find out why.
Eventually she did tell me why she had a hard time. She had, a really bad history and past relationship. The issues range from homelessness, to rape, to domestic abuse. I almost cried when she was telling me about there stuff. But she was speaking like she was talking about someone else, like she was disconnected. I now see why she has a hard time being affectionate, but I don't know how to deal with it. Like she doesn't mind kissing; but holding her, or showing her any type of affection shuts her down. She doesn't like it. She doesn't want to open up to me and she is afraid to get close to me and I don't know what to do. I have tried to be there. I drop everything and come running if she needs anything. I am there for her daughter, and her daughter adores me. I buy her want she wants and needs. I've sent her flowers (and she doesn't understand why)...I have tried to show her that I am serious and I do my utmost to not break her heart. I am at my wits end. Has anyone ever dealt with anyone who had a bad history? What can I do? I want to wait for her...I want to but, I am finding it very hard. I care about her....but she wont let me. |
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Give her some time and ask her truly on wat she wants
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I would just be there, be her friend, but leave it at that. If she doesn't come around on her own, there's most likely nothing you can do.
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give her time. Is she really ready to be in a relationship?
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it would be best for you to move on.Maybe she will come back around to opening up to you and maybe not.
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She calls me her girlfriend and such...but now I wonder. She was the one who asked me out first...so now I am confused.
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Ok so I posted here that this girl i had been talking to suddenly started pulling away. Well I took the advice of one person and stuck around to find out why. Eventually she did tell me why she had a hard time. She had, a really bad history and past relationship. The issues range from homelessness, to rape, to domestic abuse. I almost cried when she was telling me about there stuff. But she was speaking like she was talking about someone else, like she was disconnected. I now see why she has a hard time being affectionate, but I don't know how to deal with it. Like she doesn't mind kissing; but holding her, or showing her any type of affection shuts her down. She doesn't like it. She doesn't want to open up to me and she is afraid to get close to me and I don't know what to do. I have tried to be there. I drop everything and come running if she needs anything. I am there for her daughter, and her daughter adores me. I buy her want she wants and needs. I've sent her flowers (and she doesn't understand why)...I have tried to show her that I am serious and I do my utmost to not break her heart. I am at my wits end. Has anyone ever dealt with anyone who had a bad history? What can I do? I want to wait for her...I want to but, I am finding it very hard. I care about her....but she wont let me. Has she ever been to counseling, or any other kind of professional help? She may associate affection with negative feelings due to her past experiences. Be patient and undertsanding, let her know you're there for her. |
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Hang in there, but be very careful.
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It sounds like she is really having a tough time dealing with a lot of things. I say give her plenty of time and space, let her come to you. I think its going to be very hard on you BUT if you care about her just be patient!!
Good luck 
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"don't know love, can't show love"
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"don't know love, can't show love" what do you mean why that? |
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i feel for ya.my last gf was like that.she too went through a lot of abuse such as rape/physical abuse.but her misfortune really made it hard for her to be with someone.long story short,we drifted apart.sometimes there is only so much you can do.i wish you the best.
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this is from a woman thats been where she is. i will tell you from past experience that you giving her all of your time and affection is very suspicious to her. men have never been just plain nice to her and she doesn't understand it. the only thing that made me stop and think about what i was doing was a book. just a book. but it was the guesture from the man holding that book that brought me around. It was a book about how to love an abused woman. this man was so willing to try to nderstand that he actually went to a doctor and asked him how to help. we read that book together. it helped me alot. i wish i could remember the name. henry did for me what my hubby of 25 years never wanted to. that was five years ago. i am sorry to sasy that our relationship did not work out but it was for other reasons that we both agreed were to large and disproportionate to even try to overcome. we are still the best of friends now. Thans to henry i am able to have a joyious relationship with a man and not jump and hide at every touch.
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I agree about the counseling... kind of sounds like this may not be the best time for her (for dating)& she isn't really in a good place. You can be supportive, but I agree you should protect yourself.
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just my opinion but the 2 young ladys have hit the nail on the head,BUT remember you have to take care of yourself also,Untill she can care about herself she cant care about you.Been in your shoes several times and has always ended the same way,the harder you try and be there for her the more they pull away.Hopefully STEPLAC can find that book or the name of it,both her and KC have good ideas for you 2.Even if you cant be together you can still help her and that is very meaniingful than LOVE itself sometimes,but this is just an opinion from a dunm A man
 
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just my opinion but the 2 young ladys have hit the nail on the head,BUT remember you have to take care of yourself also,Untill she can care about herself she cant care about you.Been in your shoes several times and has always ended the same way,the harder you try and be there for her the more they pull away.Hopefully STEPLAC can find that book or the name of it,both her and KC have good ideas for you 2.Even if you cant be together you can still help her and that is very meaniingful than LOVE itself sometimes,but this is just an opinion from a dunm A man no you aren't a dumb man. I am really going to take the advice Steplac gave me. I really am. |
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I want to wait for her...I want to but, I am finding it very hard. I care about her....but she wont let me. Raven, it sounds like you have given this woman a precious gift that she has not had and does not know how to accept. I know this HAS to be incredibly frustrating for you! I can tell you that it is also incredibly frustrating for her - she may not want to shut down, but doesn't know of another way to protect her damaged heart. I think this last sentence of your post might give you some indication of what you need to do. If she won't let you care about her, it's because she doesn't know how to...nobody wants to feel isolated in that way. What you may need to find out is if she wants to learn how to trust again. She may not want to. If she does, then you have a point from which to start. All the while, as much as you love her...don't neglect yourself, sweetheart!
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