If you really think about it, how much of our bitterness about our past relationships is because we did not get our way?


You know those personal expectations we have about how we should be loved.

I don't have bitterness.

I simply don't care, chapter closed...new chapter begins.

That's very true, and I will readily admit that this is a big part of it for me.

At the same time, there are other elements involved -- such as deception. When the person who says "Don't worry about me, I will never use drugs" is caught using them -- repeatedly -- OK, granted, part of that breakup was because I didn't get my way on that point. But she never should have made false claims to begin with....

I suppose a lot depends on how broad an interpretation you use for "getting your way"....

I've already drawn out boundaries and if such boundaries are crossed then action is required.

I always get my way ( when I'm by myself)

With me, it's less about not getting what I want (heck- I could care less about what "I" want, so there'd be nothing to be bitter about) as it is about the other person not getting the person of their "dreams". What makes me bitter is the lack-of-respect and the jerkin' around I have to deal with because I didn't meet the other party's definition of "the ideal mate".

OOOHHH NOOOOO what's the ACTION?

I've never felt that way and I'm sooooo glad.

I am Mr. No Expectations

I get my way. I won't settle. My life, liberty, health, and well being are much more important than settling for sub par and abuse. There's a difference between patience and understanding and stupidity brought on when you knew better. Check your expectations. Don't give in to temptations.

Either I have to relax the boundary or she has to come back inside them.


In cases where there is a stalemate, I have to decide whether I think it is a critical violation of my morals and responsibility enough to warrant a break up.




It's hard to lump all scenerios under one umbrella.

I dunno...

Bitterness that is still unconsciously held within me is for much more specific reasons, I believe. As Lex mentioned, it depends on how broad the intepretation is regarding 'getting your way'. I mean, ultimately if there is always a sense of not getting anything you want out of it, then it is time to move on.

To hold onto bitterness over someone is to lose pieces of yourself to that relationship, specifically, if the bitterness causes one to not be able to appreciate/notice/enjoy/share things that they would have been able to had it not been present.

Luggage sucks...

it's of no consequence now, and i chalk it all up to learning, and that i can't do it all anymore. i won't do it all. i've got a life to live, and they can enhance it if they choose, but they usually just want money at this point, to "take them away from all this" so i'm done for awhile, and just want friends and lots of deep kissing for now

The reason that I brought it up is because the bitterness is often part of what makes it hard for us to move on. We set it up that we will fail the next time from these expectations not being met.

I am not talking about personal boundaries. It is wise to have personal boundaries ie drug addicts, abusers, infidelity, etc... But when we have personal boundaries, we have to be ready to let it go, if they are in violation, with no regrets, right? It is the regrets, frustration, disappointment of them not being what we expected that causes the bitterness, this is where we go wrong. We have to let them go and wish them well, for our own well being.

This is something that has helped me work through my 5 failed relationships without a lot of left over cynicism or bitterness.

Here goes: We have no control over others so if they do not do what we expect, act how we expect, react how we expect, love us how we expect to be loved, etc... we still cannot hold it against them because it is our expectation in the first place.

I have sat here, in your question, and looked deeply into myself, my behaviours in relationships, of a romantic union type...and come up with the same thing.

I have always got my way...not at the expense of someone else....but in knowing what is good for me, what I can tolerate, and what I cannot....

I own my behaviours...no one else... so have no need for victim mentality, which breeds bitterness.

You cannot be bitter towards another, if you ALWAYS take accountability for yourself... and get your own way.

Sometimes we need to get out of our own way (bitterness, rejections, etc)...so that we may learn our own way.

I'm completely over him...seriously...I DON'T CARE!

I told him so last summer when after 17 years he started whining apologies (again!) It doesn't excuse what he did, but I moved on and at this point, so should he - or not - at the risk of repeating myself, I really don't care!

Living well requires a healthier mind so why be bitter and ruin it for yourself?

Yes.....expecting a person to be who they say they are....is ridiculous... allowing a person to be who they say they are, is taking responsibility for yourself.

And if they aren't? Dust.....with no regrets.

I did a lot of blaming when she dumped me. It was her fault. She boke promises. She found another guy. Her f**king friends got her to do this... bla to the bla to the bla...


After killing myself about it. And some very important words from a real friend, who knows how to not pull punches in the sweetest way, I realized that it takes 2 to tango. There was a basic incompatibility between us, and we both stopped trying.

I am not going to go into details, but the bitterness is a byproduct of guilt. This really only applies to a relationship that had a chance. I mean, there are bad men and women out there, that would have hurt you no matter what. The guilt and bitterness comes from knowing that you could have done something.

Anyway, my 2 cents. If a girl dumps you because she is cheating, it's easier to figure it out. But sometimes things just go wrong... be bitter, learn what you can, and do better next time.