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Topic:
I want breast implants!
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A woman says to her husband, "im tired of being flat chested, I want breast implants. He looks at her sideways and says, "what do you think, im made of money? They are wayyyy too expensive, sorry". She tells him, "I dont care, I want them!!!". So he tells her, "I tell you what you do babe. You go into the bathroom, and you take toilet paper, and rub it on both of your breasts". She says, "WHAT THE??? Ohhhhhhhhh, you mean take it, and stuff my bra with it, right?". He says, "NO, wipe it across, both of your breasts". She gives him a dirty look, and replies, "AND WHAT THE HAYYYYYYYYYALL IS THAT SUPPOSE TO DO?!?!?". He replies, "Well look, you've been wiping it across your booty for years, and look at how big, that thing has gotton!".   yes, but he may walk with a limp....lol |
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Topic:
How do you handle stress?
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There's not much that can stress me out, but if i do get a little stressed i usually put my headphones on and listen to some relaxing music, usually mike oldfields "songs of the distant earth".
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Topic:
Amish elevator
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An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . "Go get your mother." |
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my ex used to ask me why i slept with one eye open.....now you know...lol
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Topic:
Three men
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Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees." Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!". |
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You may know about it but the difference is that you did not "live" it. I know some women enjoy being with younger men and others say that age is just a number but I enjoy being 55 most of the time I have sons in their 20's so my perception of the 20's and 30's is motherlike. I have to agree, knowing about the 70's and 80's is nothing like living those years....experience is better than knowledge. |
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married, gay or to far away not married (divorced), not gay , maybe too far away. |
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Topic:
favorite tv shows?
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Dr who (just waiting for the christmas special)
Torchwood Sanctuary A town called eureka Stargate (sg1 and atlantis) the vicar of dibley Blackadder Walking dead Terra nova Falling skies |
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Topic:
The Fight
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started... ______________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ________________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started. ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started... |
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Topic:
M i lukng gud!!
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Your sentences and spelling need help. I think spellcheck might have a problem with that...lol |
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Topic:
Computers
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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............. |
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Topic:
Tap on the Shoulder
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared th e daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." |
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Topic:
Portrait
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Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the ***** to go nuts looking for the jewelry..." |
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Topic:
Van Gogh's Family Tree
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His dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N. Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh His magician uncle -- Where Diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin -- A. Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells Far Gogh The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh The fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way To Gogh The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh ....And there ya Gogh! |
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Topic:
UK SINGLES
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all present and correct here...from the north west.
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Topic:
Men who cook
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i cook....i love it...my kids love it....they love my chicken tika masala, and my spagetti bolognese....all made from scratch, never had a complaint about it yet....
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my fave system is my pc, fave games are left 4 dead, 1 and 2.
f1 2011, and race driver grid. |
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I'm british...from the north west...and i'm not shy..lol
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Topic:
ART IDEAS~P0ZT THEM HERE
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this is something i'd love to have a go at.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xtp2TWI1764 |
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do i have to get a garage to join in this game.....lol
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