An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas. But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" "Well, he replied, "Today's the Viewing."

that would probably be mine too.

Nice one

LMAO

lol

thats some funny ****

I'd be a dildo

I love it

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the begining of the month. When, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a f**king yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the f**k were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some s**t like this under the tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough, you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year, I'll f**k you up. I'll throw rocks at your reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the f**king North Pole, just like I have to do now since you didn't bring me that f**king bike. F**k you Santa. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you fat C**ksucker.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

Thats funny as hell!

That would be funny as hell to do!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter "Candy". He turned to the second Mom, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, "Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is ălcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, "Brandy". At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dįck, we're leaving."

that about sums it up too!

>A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath -- when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie! .. "You know how I work. You have
three wishes." "I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie." She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
He said! , "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Pick Up Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Is yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure is special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is dere a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see meself in em.

6) If you was da tree and I was da Squirrel, I'd store me nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find me puppy, can you help me find em? I think he went inta da cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes is as blue & pretty as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the marnin, we kin sleep til afternoon. And.... da best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench... Every time I think of it, me nuts tighten up.

>A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flaten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again."

See what happens when you LIE to your child !!

I agree, I think this rude myself so I always write back.

Nice

I love that!