Bob's uncle owned the big old department store dowtown. After years of decline, the store closed, and He decided to give his nephew Ralph, a parrot that was the stores mascot.

Bob took Ralph home, and set up his large cage in the living room. He soon discovered Ralphs unusual talent. As he was preparing to play tennis, the parrot seeing him wearing his tennis outfit, and carrying his bag and raquets yelled "aaaaaaarrrrr, Sporting Goods, Tennis Balls and Raquets, 4th floor!"

Bob went out and played a couple of matches, and returned to his apartment covered in sweat, and smelling terrible. Upon seeing this, Ralph yelled "aaaaaaaaaaarrrrr, Bathing supplies and soap, 3rd floor!"

After taking a shower, Bob goes out on a date with a girl he had met a few days before. They had a good time at dinner, and when he brought her home, the mood was right for some fun. He opened the door, and the two walked into the apartment, kissing. Seeing this, Ralph perked up and yelled "aaaaaaaarrrr, Penecillin and Herpes Cream, Pharmacy, 6th floor!"

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely
three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's
apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,"
said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest
thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just
wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

I have a lot of fun thing's to do i go fishing for #1 cycling all over i been to differnt state's on my bike and still have fun.

But it's hard out there because some make it so bad for us good people so when we meet some one that person asume's we are going to hurt them ect.

And yes i do get tired of the same old story's when they say im interested fine that's cool and i do take my time with it and i even sat there and spoke to them as a person with out being rude or talk trash on the phone i show respect.

But maybe people are not used to it and run or maybe some are to afraied to even try but again why go that far in to wanting to get to know some one then drop them with out any reason?

Or why is that they can go as far in to talking and getting along having fun but later they decide to up and leave with out a trace or sit there and lie and say there ready for a long tearm relationship on there profile but tell you a differnt story that there not ready for one do that make any sense?

I mean what is the reason why they go on to a site and state what there looking for but when you are getting to know them they are a totaly differnt from what they stated in there profile.

Is it for attention or is it because there loney or is it do to that maybe they want a free meal and whatever and go to the next one who know's.

Not that iam saying all people do this but how can any one realy get to know some one if there not willing to give that other a chance.

I learn so much being single in thease three years i am single because i choose to be not that i dont want any one but also tired of all the head game's ect that people play.

But at times i figure ok give up because its a feeling we all have in side of us and that is only human to feel that.

But i do believe that perhaps one day that women will find me but i dont ask for it i dont look for it i let it happend on it's own.

But i can say this iam real and iam honest, and very understanding and i do know who iam and if a person cant asept me for who iam then it's there tuff luck iam not here to please any one or act perfect because iam not perfect nor want to be.

but ty all .

Your friend mike

I have to say no i didn't say anything to affend any one when they would contact me i dont briong up sex in a talk or chat nor do i ever bring up any thing negative.
I just dont understand heres a exsample ok from a couple of women had ask me do i have any kids i would say yes but living with the mother and i would exsplain to them that i went through atoxic relationship with her she was very controlling and very verbal abusive but any how in connecticut during a divorce it more likey to have the women take the children and not the man.
And then they ask do i talk to my son well then i say this i wish i could but she remarried and turn my kid against me wich she did she had him on the phone and kept saying tell your father what u told me as she was coaching him.

My son said to me i dont want to be your son i want to me bob's son now and she moved to sc.

Now as a person who has been through this i have spoke to other dads out there who had this happend to them. Why do the women auto think something totaly differnt at least i was honest and told the truth.

Iam a very respectable man i dont ask much only that i get the same respect as i show them is that to much to ask?

But in any case all i have ever seen is if you dont have this and that they dont want anything to do with ya i mean god what hasd this world become .

Did any one ever felt as you just want to give up on thease sites all together? Iam not tring to ask for pity or make people feel sorry for me .

It's just every time i end up talking to some one they want to get to know me it never fails after a couple days i never hear from them again.

I just dont understand as i read differt forums on plenty of fish and on here it seems that if you dont have a home,car,money,or perfect wrighting skills your no good to any women.

And they wonder why nice men finish last theres to much perfection,have to be good on spelling meaning grama ect.

Iam just fed up with it all it seems as that why am i doing here i did speek to a few others on this and they had told me the same thing .So this is not only me seeing this.

I figure this if a women writes to a guy say there interested in them then why a couple days later they decide to walk away now if a man did that walk away it's a whole differnt story i seen this happend on myspace,here,plenty of fish and a couple differnt sites in the past i mean if there doing this for attention then they shouldn't be telling a man there interested at all.
Iam not saying all women do it but as i seen in three years now i had nothing but b/s with women wrighting me and then wanting to talk and get to know me and then poof there gone.

I hate to sound mean iam not im speaking up for myself and for other men who gone through this it's not funny.

I proberly get bad feed back or if i affended any one iam sorry but i have to be honest here thats all i ever seen is this.

I tried that in the forums i posted jokes ect and but who knows right any how thank you

I was just wondering if my profile is ok the way it is or do i need to change it at all? Maybe some feed back would help on it would help.

The reason why iam asking is i have not had much contact on this site with any one they perv me but thats it i was wondering if what i wrote they didn't like or what .

But this question is for women only.

thanks

Iam single as ever

back up could be good unless u have a virus your not aware of i seen that befor while backed up some ones files for them .

Thats why if can run a virus check befor backing up anything to make sure first theres is no corruption in the files so when u install the back up files your working on a clean slate.

But any how as a computer tec i learn to simpley run the disk and click repair insted of install that can help repair anything that may of went wrong, try that.

I deal with microsoft a bit and some times its hard to understand them but every computer built by a company should come with system restore disk .because those disk carry drivers for the chip set and for sound pic ect.

well ty for viewing my profile eileena9 i mean in general theyperv it seval times over with out any connection

Iam a very honest man infact iam more desent then most i dont drink or take drugs or get in to trouble but still i end up getting women who say there interested in me and after a couple day they no longer talk to me it's like wtf is going on here.

I feel for the op i do i been there i know what it's like to have your hopes up and then have it crushed it's not a good feeling at all.

I think some women do it out of fun or because there loney or do it for attention.

Or perhaps they want a free meal and a movie and after thats done they dont talk to u any more i mean god what ever happen to the old days where a women was happy to be loved and cared for now most of the time it's either there to busy or it's a money thing i myself had a few like that one night out for a dinner and thats it to the next guy they go to.

Iam not putting the whole female race down at and iam sure theres a few out there who are real but come on stop with the games people it's not just the mine your playing with its the amotions as well.

I had women in my past who where interested but never had the time for it then i would ask them out strait then how can you get to know some one if u dont have the time common sense stuff or put it in there profile long tearm but dont seem to make a connection.

I dont know any more i think this and i tell a lot of women they complain about tring to find a desent man but cant seem to find them but end up with loosers i wonder why because us good men always finish last now days its over money,homes.ect but no one ever seems to see whats in the heart how does she know if she dont give a desent guy a chance.

That blows my mind but op i been there i understand where your comming at.

You guys and gals out there can you ever understand this at all or maybe not what's the sense in perving some ones profile if there not going to at least say hi?

The way i see it it has to be some reason why they perv your profile why cant they at least say hello maybe there afraied or shy who knows.

Iget a lot on my profile and at least i write to them and thank them for viewing mine.
I dont understand that consept at all lol.

ok i have vista and it works well infact the board i installed is vista ready the problem with vista is that its a differnt os all together and depending on your pc if vista will handle it or not .

But If you get frustrated enough and just had it i would contact the company who put out your pc and request the restore disk .Another option is to contact microsoft and talk to them about the issue they may send you the diske to restore your pc if not its was worth a shot .

But also if u have any friends who have vista disk u can use any disk with vista logo on it to reapir your system all u need is your product key number on your pc and it depends what type of vista u are running to but try that i been repairing computers for ten years or more now .

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

texastigress,

you say no man can handle you well i hate to break it to you like this i delt with all differnt kinds out there trust me nothing out there i cant handle .

i delt with women with mental illness,mood swing's,bad mood's,u name it i had it all and iam still alive living proof lol.

i even had a couple in my time that where ninfol's omg but that didnt bother me either lol iam real and iam honest lol.

iam so glad u all injoyed my jokes i have a ton of them ialway believed the humor is the best thing and it help's out when you are down and out.

but stay tune i have more comming soon lol

Marriage is...


A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"