On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are
so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to
my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do
you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
picture".

He beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.”

Ok coffees made who wants one and yes i made enough for every one lol

THE POLITE WAY TO PEE.....

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good

manners, she asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

well at least i dont feel as im the only one here from connecticut lol

i just posted a new joke for u all injoy lol

ty i get thease jokes now and again whats a dating site with out humor lol but stay tune let's see what next i have up my sleave lol, glad u all injoy it .

mike

im so bad i love it lol stay tune for my next joke

Subject: THIS IS HYSTERICAL


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What
I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dip****,"
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up
on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until
it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

you think this ones funny stay tune for my next post lol

i def know the yankees dont have it any more i believe they losed there touch as for the redsox they have a real good team to win 2 world serie's in ten years and also made history by beating the rockys last year comming back and take the serie's thats was so asome they did the same in 2004.

So if any anything its the redsox they seem to know what there doing and whats good about that team they didnt use drugs to win it was all done with team effort.

Have a good evening & a wonderful laugh







AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

im from connecticut as well sorry to say i dont see to many people in my state on this site

well this topic went dead wow any how a little story on life you never know when your time is up as for me i had losed 3 friends i grew up with die on me all in the same age group it taught me one thing that lifes to damn short to worry about past relationships or bad memorys that makes me stronger knowing that i was able to let go of all the hurt because one can never be happy with them selfs or be happy with some one untill they let go of there past.

thank's iam real and i just say it as it is and the first thing in any profile is honesty and i believe i said it all there lol

i just done a do over on my profile and i know it can be hard to put thing's in to words but im just being real so let me know what you all think ty , mike

i cant wait till i take my big step in life i may move to tenn my uncle lives in ky.

but i never give up we do learn from are mistakes we move on we are humen but also i was always told big things come in small packaages and u be surposed when that day will come when that person cotacts you.

See i dont look for any one i let it happen on it's own thats the best way to be.

thats a qustion i been asking myself im a honest and full of life i love to keep life simple.

But also it's hard because every time some one says there interested in me and talk on yahoo or what ever they have the decide to up and run with out even telling me why.

Or some say iam not in to head games and tell me im not like most women and then lead me on to some point and then say im not ready for any kind of relationship them my question is to them is why did u contact me in the first place if your not interested in knowing me and yes i was told that people who do that to me they dont deserve me and i move on.

but also all there doing is hurting them selfs and dont think what it dose to the other with out thinking.

so my point is this dont worry about it they dont derserve ya if u know in your heart who u are then thats all that matters .and one day that true person will seek you out thats what i believe any how.

wow i must of made a good topic to see so many responses but it's true some out there do this and when it comes to a green light they cunk out like a old car.