this question is mainly for the separated couples who have joint custody and parent their children in different homes, but i'd love to hear the thoughts of anyone who can offer some advice.

what do you do when the father (or mother) parents their child in a way that differs greatly from the other?

i'm talking (in this instance only) of discipline. what if the other parents tries to thwart your every attempt to discipline in an effort to either appear like the good parent and have the children like them best and/or in an attempt to turn them against you?

although it's possible to discipline only within your home, and allow the other parent to raise the children as they see fit in their home, what happens if the discipline needs to overlap, such as revoking telephone priviledges, for example, and the other parent just caves in to what the kid asks (demands)?

i'm really curious as to how other parents deal with these types of situations.

my ex lets the kids run rampent...and buys them everything they ask for so she looks good.
I have rules at my house......and rewards have to be earned.....or for special occassions.

my kids know this.....they test me for the first couple days.....then life is good.

ahh...i've seen the gamete...and it's not easy. depending on the age of the child, you may want to have a discussion with the child about it. i have shared custody with equal time...hasn't always been that way...but probably for the last year that is how it has been. it's a struggle. the only things i can suggest would be to have an honest conversation with the other parent...i know i know, probably have tried that...probably seems useless. But they are not doing your child any favors by parenting this way. Stress to your child the need for respect in your home. yadda yadda...but if you can find a way, any way, to get that other parent to hear your message...even if it is something that kills you...try it. Think of every way you can be a smooth negotiator...

hiya gorgeous...well, I discipline the kids in a good manner.Teaching them the right things and so on. I am a lil strict. Their mother is the opposite.But I truly agree and feel that when they get a little older the whole "yeah their cool" will wear off.They will realize you are the one who cared all along.The other one that was "cool" only let them take their lives downhill.This is usually where this kind of behavior gets them. They will then and only then realize who is the good parent and trust me....it may seem like they hate you now and they love him......but his love will only be temporary and yours will last them a lifetime.

If you are completely unable to talk to the other parent and agree on your methods of discipline i think you are really quite limited in what you can do. Especially if they are making concerted efforts to undermine the rules and punishments that you put in place.

All i feel you can really do is be consistant in the way you discipline the kids yourself and HOPE that the inconsistancy that the other parent is creating doesnt affect them too greatly. This isnt the way you would like things, i am sure you would prefer much more control in the development of your kids, but you can only speak to a brick wall for so long. Unless he does anything to break the law or any separation agreements that you have, your hands are pretty much tied.

Kids are smart enough(and the OP's certainly are, ive met them) to see through bullsh1t. What is probably happening is that they are using the situation to their advantage to get what they want, they are kids and clever ones at that, you have to expect that i guess. But the other parent cant just turn your kids against you just like that, and as long as you treat them right and show them love, i doubt its even possible.

From what I have seen of you and your children, you are consistent with them and they respect you.

The one thing I think is so very important is being consistent with your children.

I agree with what Dan said...there is no way that he will turn your children against you, even if they say they like their father better.

To any of that type of thing, I would just reply, "well, that is fine, you can like whoever better, that is not going to change how it is in our home here or that I love you very much."

It really seems to be sad that grown adults try to manipulate children with "favors". The children see through that so very quickly generally...

They see you consistent over time..they know the limits with you and THAT is the very thing that children need...consistency with limits. It provides them with safety and THAT is essential to well being for children and adults.

I have said nothing that the OP does not already know...

You are a wonderful parent!!

Beat them

beat them just for the fun of it

honestly, just be their mom. You're a great mom and they know it

I let my children know that I am their Mom not their friend.
I tell them I wasn't put on this Earth for you to like me, you have rules to follow or you pay the consequences.

That usually sets them on the straight and narrow.

Because.......

they know Mom is nuts
and doesn't play

my kids know im their mom however i like for them to know that i am also their friend..i like to know that my kids can come to me about anything and not be afraid that im going to freak out for ex. my 16 old son... he knows how i feel about drinking...however... i know kids are going to experiment.. and i want him to know that whether its him or friends hes with and someone has drunk something...i want him to know he can pick up the phone and call me and me handle it responibly so NO one gets hurt, rather than him or someone be drinking and driving and someone get hurt or worse killed because he was scared to call mom.

Paper....hun.. its hard, i hard time with things like this with my step kids... about all you can really do is try to discuss the situation of y the "grounding" is being done and how he needs to back you for the sake of respect. however, in the end whether he does or not...unfortunatly you cant control and he doesnt follow through then just make sure it resumes once the kid or kids are home. and dont deduct the time of punishment due to them not being with you

thanks guys (and gals) for your input

it's not that i think i'm parenting poorly, or that my method of discipline is wrong, or even that my children behave badly.

it's just how do you overcome, and negate even, the other parent taking away any form of punishment you've given?

for example, my eldest daughter misbehaved (i won't go into details). it earned my calling her father to say that she was being punished and that she wasn't allowed to go to the movie with him that i'd originally okayed (it wasn't one of his set/regular nights of visitation). he still showed up and took her. it was rewarding poor behaviour and it gave her a sense of empowerment over me. how do you negate that?

and how do you prevent your children from answering the door when their father knocks (on non-visitation days), without appearing as though you are the bad guy?

I wish I could be of more help Lisa, but I really haven't run into this problem with my ex. As you know, my son lives with me. He goes to his mother's for most of the summer, and one weekend a month. She was a good mother when we were together, and she still is, but never did any disciplining, with him, OR my step-daughter. She made me do it all! lol. And truthfully, she still does. So that is and always has been our only conflict as far as discipline is concerned. Sorry I don't have much to offer. But I will say that I have SEEN you with your kids, and you are a WONDERFUL mother. Very attentive, gentle, kind, and protective. Everyone should be so lucky...

(I was, by the way. love ya mom!)

As said before, First and foremost you have to be the PARENT! Friends they can have in school or church .
I am the only parent due to YEARS of abuse she and I both went through by his hands.
Thankfully he is where he needs to be.25 - life
However, it is hard to be both mother nad father.
The guilt is is horrid.
Yet I move on and do what I have to to make sure she has the best life and teach her the best values and I can.
I beleive if you start at birth it is much easier to discipline your children.
Again I know I went a tad off topic and I am sorry.
JMO

My ex and I share custody of our son, one week with me, the other with him. My ex is the "good" parent, you know, the one who lets him get away with everything. I'm not much of a disciplinarian, but I do have some standards of behavior.

I have no words of wisdom as I've been dealing with this for over 2 years now. I've talked til I'm blue in the face, threatened to take away joint custody, the whole thing, nothing has worked. And my ex is an angry man, he's now using my son as a weapon, getting even for everything I ever did, and a lot of things I didn't.

You're not alone and if you come up with a magic bullet, let me know.

My 14 year old son wants to come live with me because I treat him like I was treated at his age, with respect and very few rules that he agrees to have.

I don't dispute his mother's rules, but I feel that as a teenager, we parents should be preparing to allow the teens to start learning to make their own decisions.

My ex totally disagrees with my take on discipline. She wants to rule with an iron fist, and wants me to be just as harsh as her and her current husband.

My son gives me very few problems (mainly I have to remind him that other people have feelings too, and it is not difficult to hurt them without realizing it), but he fights against his mother's rule (including coming to blows with his step-father over some trivial thing)

So, having different parenting styles does not necessarily mean that one parent is the "good" parent and the other the "bad" parent. In my situation, I am in a good position to help my son to realize how his behavior affects his mom and other people around him, and then let him decide what to do from there.

Then I bang my head against the wall when his mom tells me that I need to deal with our son again!!

I coulda had a V8, but chose to have kids instead!!!

OOPS!! Double posted by mistake!!