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| Topic: question to the females....... | |
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Suzin.... great posts. You really put a lot of thought into them and did a beautiful job being objective and communicating. It was a pleasure reading what you wrote. 
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Yea, see, i was supporting her....but started to become pushy bcause we as a family needed her to do some things...not because i couldnt afford to take care of us all, but because she was creating so many more bills that i started to not be able to afford.... You know, you've made your point that you were supporting her, good for you, parade thrown in your honor. Sarcasm aside, which I know is not helpful, you really need to look at your responsibility here, which you don't want to do. You accepted the financial responsibility of her and her children. End of story. You enabled her to keep creating new debt for you. And you threw her out on the street (or to her mama) in a temper tantrum over what was at least partially your responsibility. Only when you can accept YOUR contribution to the failure of your relationship (at least at this point), can you even begin to work on fixing it. And I reiterate, if I had it thrown in my face on a day-to-day basis that I was a worthless piece of credit-card wielding, non-educated (i.e. stupid) trash, I'd be glad you kicked me out and I wouldn't return. Which you may not have said in so many words, but your actions stated this, loud and clear. Suz for President  Politically correct and right on track! |
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To me, sounds like the guy has a MAJOR control issue. Seems he likes to say who, what, when, where, how. Didn't want her doing anythingtill he took on even more & now wants to change the rules to suit him. He liked her when she wasn't working, did he discuss the change or just decide it is what he wants. Carrying a big SCORE card, does NOT work in marriage.
Been there, done that, got help & learned. |
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theres a paperback book and even a novel nowadays |
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To me, sounds like the guy has a MAJOR control issue. Seems he likes to say who, what, when, where, how. Didn't want her doing anythingtill he took on even more & now wants to change the rules to suit him. He liked her when she wasn't working, did he discuss the change or just decide it is what he wants. Carrying a big SCORE card, does NOT work in marriage. Been there, done that, got help & learned. where in the hell are u guys gettin this stuff from? in no way shape or form can you get that out of what i wrote..come on now.....im controlling? i accpeted her at first then changed my mind...well people change there mind when circumstances change people.... |
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To me, sounds like the guy has a MAJOR control issue. Seems he likes to say who, what, when, where, how. Didn't want her doing anythingtill he took on even more & now wants to change the rules to suit him. He liked her when she wasn't working, did he discuss the change or just decide it is what he wants. Carrying a big SCORE card, does NOT work in marriage. Been there, done that, got help & learned. where in the hell are u guys gettin this stuff from? in no way shape or form can you get that out of what i wrote..come on now.....im controlling? i accpeted her at first then changed my mind...well people change there mind when circumstances change people.... read your own response, accepted her at first then changed your mind... she remained the same you wanted her to change (controlling/demanding) issues people do change on their own, they age, they acknowledge they learn, others are told to change, when to change, how to change, and to change quickly. follow? |
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To me, sounds like the guy has a MAJOR control issue. Seems he likes to say who, what, when, where, how. Didn't want her doing anythingtill he took on even more & now wants to change the rules to suit him. He liked her when she wasn't working, did he discuss the change or just decide it is what he wants. Carrying a big SCORE card, does NOT work in marriage. Been there, done that, got help & learned. where in the hell are u guys gettin this stuff from? in no way shape or form can you get that out of what i wrote..come on now.....im controlling? i accpeted her at first then changed my mind...well people change there mind when circumstances change people.... read your own response, accepted her at first then changed your mind... she remained the same you wanted her to change (controlling/demanding) issues people do change on their own, they age, they acknowledge they learn, others are told to change, when to change, how to change, and to change quickly. follow? yes i follow...but situations changed....her 2 teenage kids moved in....there father didnt send any child support...she didnt have a job....see why now i asked her to get a PT job? and she agreed she needed to..and she said she wanted to enroll in school so she could one day get a better job,.,, did u read all that? |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her.
As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. |
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I, (name), take you, (name), to be my lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.
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Did you say any of those things or variations thereof?
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... |
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Did you say any of those things or variations thereof? yes i did....i did ....and i made a mistake...i let the stress over run my better judgement....once stress settled, i realized i screwed up..... |
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Oh my GAWD!!!
I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... she'd been out of 'the marital home' you realized you made a mistake and want things to change now. life is not like that, you let the stress get the best of you (happens we are all human) but so is she. relax dude, chill, let me make her own decisions, because personally if anyone had the balls to throw me out of a supposedly "marital home" there'd be no way in he!! I'd return to it without any sort of guarantee it wouldnt happen again. just my opinion. No one shall have the power to dictate how I can act, do act and how to act. but thats just me --- good luck |
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Oh my GAWD!!! I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO so u think...that when the situation changed, and her 2 teenage kids came to live with us....i was supposed to support them fully with no help huh? |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... Ok, that's a great start. So, let me play devil's advocate for a moment and ask you a question. If she does decide to come back, do you have a concrete plan in place to avoid this situation in the future? Have you considered marriage counseling? If you don't have a plan, that you BOTH can live with, what are you going to do? Let's face it, the world we live in is incredibly stressful. And if it's not one thing, it's another. Your stress is not her responsiblity and she shouldn't take the punishment for it. So, in yet another circle, you have to decide. Can you live happily, peacefully, and non-resentfully with the situation EXACTLY as it was before she left? It's a tough question, one you will need to look deep within yourself to find an answer to. If you are uncertain, do both of you a favor and give both of you time to figure it out. Otherwise, in a month, or two or six, you're gonna be exactly where you are now. |
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Oh my GAWD!!! I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO so u think...that when the situation changed, and her 2 teenage kids came to live with us....i was supposed to support them fully with no help huh? did you speak before allowing them to move in? did you set rules and regulations before? did you automatically assume parental role? |
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I, (name), take you, (name), to be my lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live. I will say it again. READ IT. (ps the answer is yes) You support your wife. Not just when it goes the way you think it ought to. Your decision is a perfect example of why the divorce rate is so high. |
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this members mind is set, assumes some responsibility, think he's paid his dues, and is entitled to have her back regardless. Now!
wow - I want one of those days too. 
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Oh my GAWD!!! I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO so u think...that when the situation changed, and her 2 teenage kids came to live with us....i was supposed to support them fully with no help huh? According to your own words, you not only agreed, you encouraged this. Unless you specifically set out that they could come live with you ONLY if she was supporting them (or contributing to their support), then yes, that is what you agreed to and what you are supposed to do. |
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