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| Topic: question to the females....... | |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... Ok, that's a great start. So, let me play devil's advocate for a moment and ask you a question. If she does decide to come back, do you have a concrete plan in place to avoid this situation in the future? Have you considered marriage counseling? If you don't have a plan, that you BOTH can live with, what are you going to do? Let's face it, the world we live in is incredibly stressful. And if it's not one thing, it's another. Your stress is not her responsiblity and she shouldn't take the punishment for it. So, in yet another circle, you have to decide. Can you live happily, peacefully, and non-resentfully with the situation EXACTLY as it was before she left? It's a tough question, one you will need to look deep within yourself to find an answer to. If you are uncertain, do both of you a favor and give both of you time to figure it out. Otherwise, in a month, or two or six, you're gonna be exactly where you are now. Yes, I have refined our budget that will allow me to support us fully without any help....i also have looked into getting marriage counseling... even agreed that is she wanted to come back, id sell the house and buy a new one closer to her family...bcause she always said she missed being closer to them, and i agreed.... i re did our budget, i looked into marriage counseling, as well as personal counseling to see if i have any issues....im really trying..... |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... Ok, that's a great start. So, let me play devil's advocate for a moment and ask you a question. If she does decide to come back, do you have a concrete plan in place to avoid this situation in the future? Have you considered marriage counseling? If you don't have a plan, that you BOTH can live with, what are you going to do? Let's face it, the world we live in is incredibly stressful. And if it's not one thing, it's another. Your stress is not her responsiblity and she shouldn't take the punishment for it. So, in yet another circle, you have to decide. Can you live happily, peacefully, and non-resentfully with the situation EXACTLY as it was before she left? It's a tough question, one you will need to look deep within yourself to find an answer to. If you are uncertain, do both of you a favor and give both of you time to figure it out. Otherwise, in a month, or two or six, you're gonna be exactly where you are now. Yes, I have refined our budget that will allow me to support us fully without any help....i also have looked into getting marriage counseling... even agreed that is she wanted to come back, id sell the house and buy a new one closer to her family...bcause she always said she missed being closer to them, and i agreed.... i re did our budget, i looked into marriage counseling, as well as personal counseling to see if i have any issues....im really trying..... you are so great, I just dont get what her problem is 
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... Ok, that's a great start. So, let me play devil's advocate for a moment and ask you a question. If she does decide to come back, do you have a concrete plan in place to avoid this situation in the future? Have you considered marriage counseling? If you don't have a plan, that you BOTH can live with, what are you going to do? Let's face it, the world we live in is incredibly stressful. And if it's not one thing, it's another. Your stress is not her responsiblity and she shouldn't take the punishment for it. So, in yet another circle, you have to decide. Can you live happily, peacefully, and non-resentfully with the situation EXACTLY as it was before she left? It's a tough question, one you will need to look deep within yourself to find an answer to. If you are uncertain, do both of you a favor and give both of you time to figure it out. Otherwise, in a month, or two or six, you're gonna be exactly where you are now. Yes, I have refined our budget that will allow me to support us fully without any help....i also have looked into getting marriage counseling... even agreed that is she wanted to come back, id sell the house and buy a new one closer to her family...bcause she always said she missed being closer to them, and i agreed.... i re did our budget, i looked into marriage counseling, as well as personal counseling to see if i have any issues....im really trying..... you are so great, I just dont get what her problem is no no...im not perfect...i know i could have handled this a whole better way...i let the stresses build up over time,, and thats my fault...and she is my wife...no way i should have ever asked her to leave OUR home....i know i screwed up....i want to make it work now realizing this..... |
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I'm really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. If you've done all that, then quite frankly, there's not much else to be done at this point. She will come to her own conclusions and you'll have to just wait for that to happen.
In my opinion, for what it's worth, individual counseling wouldn't hurt. I'm not saying you NEED it but it's almost always beneficial. You may learn a lot about yourself and it will also give you great tools to better manage stress, etc. And, if your wife does agree to try again, I'd consider joint couseling BEFORE she moves back, to establish some ground rules, so to speak, and to begin to establish better communication skills. |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... Ok, that's a great start. So, let me play devil's advocate for a moment and ask you a question. If she does decide to come back, do you have a concrete plan in place to avoid this situation in the future? Have you considered marriage counseling? If you don't have a plan, that you BOTH can live with, what are you going to do? Let's face it, the world we live in is incredibly stressful. And if it's not one thing, it's another. Your stress is not her responsiblity and she shouldn't take the punishment for it. So, in yet another circle, you have to decide. Can you live happily, peacefully, and non-resentfully with the situation EXACTLY as it was before she left? It's a tough question, one you will need to look deep within yourself to find an answer to. If you are uncertain, do both of you a favor and give both of you time to figure it out. Otherwise, in a month, or two or six, you're gonna be exactly where you are now. Yes, I have refined our budget that will allow me to support us fully without any help....i also have looked into getting marriage counseling... even agreed that is she wanted to come back, id sell the house and buy a new one closer to her family...bcause she always said she missed being closer to them, and i agreed.... i re did our budget, i looked into marriage counseling, as well as personal counseling to see if i have any issues....im really trying..... you are so great, I just dont get what her problem is no no...im not perfect...i know i could have handled this a whole better way...i let the stresses build up over time,, and thats my fault...and she is my wife...no way i should have ever asked her to leave OUR home....i know i screwed up....i want to make it work now realizing this..... sometimes in order to hear and absorb what is being said, one needs quiet... most here have said the same thing over and over yet you continue to fight it or make excuses for it. deed is done - ya threw her out deed is done - you regret your actions deed is done - she wants space/security leave things alone - stop there; stop trying to make things happen, the more you stir the pot the thinner the stew... |
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I'm really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. If you've done all that, then quite frankly, there's not much else to be done at this point. She will come to her own conclusions and you'll have to just wait for that to happen. In my opinion, for what it's worth, individual counseling wouldn't hurt. I'm not saying you NEED it but it's almost always beneficial. You may learn a lot about yourself and it will also give you great tools to better manage stress, etc. And, if your wife does agree to try again, I'd consider joint couseling BEFORE she moves back, to establish some ground rules, so to speak, and to begin to establish better communication skills. i even told her when we last spoke i would do that too....i would go to see a counselor with her a few times or however many times we needed b4 she made a decision to move back or not...so we could make an honest effort to see if we both wanted to save our marriage.... |
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Good. Now leave her alone and work on yourself. Things will be what they will be. You cannot force it, nor should you even try. Life has a funny way of putting you on the path you belong on, regardless of how you try to dig a new path. And only time will tell you what the real deal is.
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i do need to do that....i cant force anything now...and i need to work on what i can do to be a better husband and a better father....and if ive lost her....then maybe she will be happier....
and ill go on, and try not to make the same mistakes again....learning from lifes ups and downs are hard...but will help me grow as a man |
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Oh my GAWD!!! I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO so u think...that when the situation changed, and her 2 teenage kids came to live with us....i was supposed to support them fully with no help huh? Its the role you took on KNOWING she had children... So yea, you should of.. and if it put a financial strain on your household, instead of freaking out and kicking her AND her children that you claim you love so much out of the house, you should have sat down like an adult and talked over the possibilities.. A PT job, filing for child support.. |
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i do need to do that....i cant force anything now...and i need to work on what i can do to be a better husband and a better father....and if ive lost her....then maybe she will be happier.... and ill go on, and try not to make the same mistakes again....learning from lifes ups and downs are hard...but will help me grow as a man No, perhaps I wasn't clear. You don't need to work on being a better husband and father. You need to work on being a better YOU. The rest will follow. |
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i do need to do that....i cant force anything now...and i need to work on what i can do to be a better husband and a better father....and if ive lost her....then maybe she will be happier.... and ill go on, and try not to make the same mistakes again....learning from lifes ups and downs are hard...but will help me grow as a man See now, thats what matter is that youve learned from it.. Now remember it, and never do it again.. Hopefully your next SO wont get the same treatment |
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Oh my GAWD!!! I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO so u think...that when the situation changed, and her 2 teenage kids came to live with us....i was supposed to support them fully with no help huh? Its the role you took on KNOWING she had children... So yea, you should of.. and if it put a financial strain on your household, instead of freaking out and kicking her AND her children that you claim you love so much out of the house, you should have sat down like an adult and talked over the possibilities.. A PT job, filing for child support.. maam, i appreciate ur concern, but in my original post...i said that is exactly what i did....we did talk....she ageed on gettin a pt job....which never tanspired...i even downlaoded and printed child support enforement papaers for her...a month after giving them to her, i asked her if she mailed them off yet, and she said no..she hadnt even fginished fillin them out.... |
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Sounds like these two need to be together. If they were with anyone else they would be making two normal people miserable.
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i do need to do that....i cant force anything now...and i need to work on what i can do to be a better husband and a better father....and if ive lost her....then maybe she will be happier.... and ill go on, and try not to make the same mistakes again....learning from lifes ups and downs are hard...but will help me grow as a man No, perhaps I wasn't clear. You don't need to work on being a better husband and father. You need to work on being a better YOU. The rest will follow. Well said |
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Oh my GAWD!!! I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO so u think...that when the situation changed, and her 2 teenage kids came to live with us....i was supposed to support them fully with no help huh? Its the role you took on KNOWING she had children... So yea, you should of.. and if it put a financial strain on your household, instead of freaking out and kicking her AND her children that you claim you love so much out of the house, you should have sat down like an adult and talked over the possibilities.. A PT job, filing for child support.. maam, i appreciate ur concern, but in my original post...i said that is exactly what i did....we did talk....she ageed on gettin a pt job....which never tanspired...i even downlaoded and printed child support enforement papaers for her...a month after giving them to her, i asked her if she mailed them off yet, and she said no..she hadnt even fginished fillin them out.... First of all dont call me ma am it makes me feel old... LOL Second of all.. youve asked opinions of which you have gotten MANY and it seems like what youre really looking for is justification.. SOmeone to tell you you did the right thing... Time to move on sweetheart.. you made your bed |
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Ooooooo Ooooooooo.
I was a little slow on the uptake. This is a post only if you agree thread. Got it. |
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STOP TOUCHING MY PHONE!!!!!!!!
   
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Ooooooo Ooooooooo. I was a little slow on the uptake. This is a post only if you agree thread. Got it. no, i wanted to hear peoples opinions....just when poeple posted theres....it was not true of what i posted....as an example.. someone posted i was wrong for just puttin her out(which i agree), that i should have talked to her and made an effort before hand....so i know they didnt read what was posted..because specifically, i did say i did that.... |
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give up the gold-digger, true love is out there...
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havent u ever been in love...made a huge mistake and wanted nothign more than to right ur wrongs?
come on now...i dont feel i am a bad man, i feel i tried very hard to make this all work out....and im still willing to try, but i see im getting blasted by everyone.... so maybe i am the ass... |
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