My ex is in Prison in CA. He owes over $40,000(yes you read right)in
back support just for my oldest son, not including my middle one. My
last caseworker at the Child Support office found out that he was in
prison. Now I have a new caseworker and she has no idea about him in
prison. There is nothing written down so now i'm back to square one.
There is nothing I can do about getting that money that my ex owes my
kids.

not if there in prison --- sorry to hear that --- it sickens me that
people do not help to take responsibility for the children that they
have --- mine are grown but when i had custody it took me almost 2
years to get child support.

The last time my ex saw his 2 kids was when my middle son(age 11) was
only 4 days old. My kids want nothing to do with him. He won't even send
bday cards or christmas cards.

i knew a father lived 6 houses from his kids and refused to see them ---
said he was ordered to pay child supposrt --- not ordered to see them --
during this time i was fighting the system to see mine aand after so
much time ended up winning custody --- can never understand anyone not
wanting to see their own children --- children become your legacy and
its something to see them flourish and become more then you expect them
to be

The way I see it these children I have a gift , a privilege, and if
their father prefers not to support the, so be it.

The Federal government informs me, that my children are worth x
amount...and then decide to bill their father for that amount.

I feel they are priceless, and I chose to have them, he assisted with
conception, and care and support while we were married, and chose not to
after we separated.

The way I see it, his loss, not mine.

And there is no money owed to me, nor them, for they miss out on
nothing....I choose to raise them, and support them, and it's an honour
not a debt.

in some ways i agree jess -- i just think its a shame when a parent
(male OR female) does not acknowledge thier child

In part I agree, however, for me to dwell on it, will only compound any
sense of loss my children may already feel.

If I was to attempt to pressure, or force their father, to pay, or to
visit, then how begrudging would the visit be?

Better to have one content and balanced parent, that one with an axe to
grind, and one that is the reluctant visitor.

It is not about me, in any of parenting, and it is everything about the
children.

My opinions count for squat, when it comes to my kids, their well being
is paramount.

Yep, not to mention not having a parent in your life as a child can
really get to you.

I haven't seen my dad in 4-5 years. I dont get phonecalls, visits, and
a card with $10 for Christmas/birthday (yep they are one card). He only
lives 15 minutes away. Though he does pay child support which is at
least something.

But there is not a day that passes that I long for a father figure in my
life. To have a dad to have fun with. But then again, this dad that I
am talking about is my adoptive dad. He adopted me at the age of 2
because my biological father was an alcoholic. Went to meetings, and
came into contact with me about a year ago, havent heard from him since.

I do get down about it and cry my heart out wishing I had a dad, because
I know it would help me in my relationships with guys (its as if I don't
know how to treat guys in my life correctly not to mention a past with
some guys). But I don't let it ruin my life.

I can honestly say I hate my dad. I'll always have respect for him, but
not as a father or friend, just as a human being. And thats all he is
to me, another human life, nothing more.

So true, Sterbalicious. Don't know if you have heard the song by 'Harry
Chapin~Cat's In The Cradle' or the song by 'Creedence Clearwater
Revival~Someday Never Comes' but does in part explain some of what you
just wrote. After my first divorce when I checked myelf into a detox
center to get off of drugs and alcohol I experienced some of what you
just wrote from a father's point of view. My ex was granted custody and
she put my four year old son on the phone and said to me, "You tell him
why you aren't here."

I hear ya! mine is 9 and has multiple disabilities. His dad has never
paid the court ordered medical expenses and its been a constant battle
to just keep him paying the support. dont hold your breath lilone. I
dont.

Sterb...BIG BIG SISTER HUGS!!!!

Ever try to collect from someone not in the same country?
I am, and getting nowhere.

ouch..sorry to hear that hangdman

THE OTHER SIDE: I pay child support, and don't complain. I have a 12
year old daughter, plus one in college. I bought a small home, (because
thats all I can afford) but I live within 8 blocks of my daughter. Most
of my family lives about 20 miles away, and I would like to move back
there someday, but I will wait until she is out of school. I didn't want
to be a weekend dad, so to speak. So this is where I am at! I know many
responsible fathers, who put their children before themselves

That's really good to hear Vikingfan.

I have deep respect for that (haha, funny saying that to you because I'm
younger, but oh well.)

The reason being is because I don't see any dads like that nowadays.
Not around here anyway. My friends dads are like mine. And I have TWO
technically. I guess I wasn't meant to have a dad, haha.


And thanks for the hugs Bigsister

Just for the record--there is no legal connection between child support
and visitation. It is a parent's obligation to pay child support
whether or not he/she sees the child/ren. And many children's advocates
and policymakers argue that it actually is the right of the child to
receive child support, not the decision of the parent to bother with it
or not. I do not mean to sound harsh, as I am a single parent myself,
but even a non-employed non-custodial parent may have health or other
benefits, an inheritance someday, or a job in the future. His or her
children are entitled to it. Something to think about?

It takes patience to work with the IV-D program in California or
anywhere else. But especially if you can tell them where the
non-custodial parent is, even if he or she is in jail, the oputcome can
be worth it, even if the payment is delayed. And by the way, the program
works quite similarly in Australia--it was modeled on the American
program.

Thanks Therese, but not, when the non-custodial parent, no longer
resides in the country.

Actually, that is not true. Arrearages continue to compile, and the
debt still exists. It can be captured many years later, with interest!
And there may be survivor benefits, tax refunds, bank accounts, etc.to
be had.It takes persistence and determination, I am the first to admit,
but the law is on the child's side.

Dang shame when two adults battle, is taken out on the kids.
Had a bitter divorce & kids got used.
20+ yrs later, still bitterness on one side, hope they wake up before
get banned from grandkids. Son getting very tired of what isn't his
problem.

Revenge hurts the seeker.

i believe both parents should pay support and the one that has the
child/children

should have to account for the use of the money

i have seen to many single parents take the support and use it for
things not associated with the child

and support should be set at a percentage of the net pay
not a predetermined amount you may not always make the same amount

and support for the child should be around 25% plus 5% for each
additional child

and the custodial parent should have to keep an account on where it goes
also spending about the same percentage of their
earnings as well

and if custodial parent blocks visitation support goes to escrow account
for child to be rercieved upon reaching age 21
or entering college

just a thuopght

but hey what do i know