I have a very close friend who has three beautiful teen girls whom I love like my own. I love this friend very much as well but she is very outspoken (sometimes to the point of being hurtful). This has always been her way and I am not sure she realizes it or not. She is also a very Loving supportive person when she isnt upset about something(but that is not often).

Anyway, all three girls are lovely but have been sheltered. There has seemed to be for the last several years some underlying animosity between my friend and her oldest (19 year old) daughter. This girl, lets call her B, is very soft spoken and holds alot in (from what I have seen anyhow) but lately she has started to speak out a little more often than usual in a way her mother finds 'disrespectful'. B is VERY unhappy and VERY insecure and for some reason my friend seems to give her the most responsibility with very little privilege to balance it out. She gets the blame for most things that happen in the house because she is the oldest and my friend seems to yell at this girl in situations where she only slightly chastises the other two. At one time the girls were at my home every weekend until I split from my husband and had to get a place with my mom. During that period, B had asked if she could come stay with me (she was 17 then) and I didnt know what to say, because I love her and hate what my friend seems to be doing to her but I dont want to encourage B to run from problems and I dont want there to be a rift with my friend and I. My friend was particularly rude to me one evening to the point where after I left I was crying,,,my son caught me and told B at school the next day. The next time B and my friend were in an argument, guess what B brought up?

It was a real mess, and since then B seems to share less with me and she talks quite a bit with my son who says she is anxious to get out of her moms house FAST. I am terrified that the first smooth talking young man to come offer her a place to stay(she is very trusting),she is going to grab it.

I dont know how to talk to her mom about this, If I Was not sharing a home with my mom, I would want to let B come stay with us,,,right now I dont know what to do ,,,,,I see a catastrophe happening between my friend and B and I want desperately to prevent it,,but how?

I would talk to your friend and be very clear that you care very much about her and her duaghters. I would not be judgemental about it, but tell her in a clear but gentle and loving way that there may be some big problems either existing now or to come.

Try to show her that perhaps she is being a bit too harsh, and she needs to have a talk with her daughter and ensure her that she cares deeply for her and loves her.

I don't know, it's a hard situation since she seems to take things a bit personal, and is emotional. I think it would be risky to voice your concerns, but perhaps it's a risk necessary to take.

I too see her getting hurt, by the first smooth talker to offer her a place.

At this time, I would avoid suggesting that she does anything differently, but just tell her you are very concerned for her and her daughters because you love them so. She most likely will take your suggestions the wrong way and get upset, which would just make matters worse.

Most people act the way they do because the rest of us let them get away with it. True friendship is a valuable thing but not at the risk of the child. She's the most important thing in this. Sometimes as true friends we have to step up to the plate and get involved. Tell your friend about your concerns but do it letting her know it's out of love for her and her children. Tell her all you are asking is that she just think about the things you have said to her. Chances are she will. Most importantly I think you need to find some way to also talk to the daughter about your concerns for her. Being a teenager is a very difficult time in a persons life. They need all the advice they can get. It's a time in their lives when they can make some really big mistakes.

Can you call the children's aids society?

I know, I have seen this too, but it wasn't so pointed; it was the case of a single mother simply destroying her only son's life by simply expecting too much of him. Even when she tried to encourage him, she was plainly and in clear view putting him down. Everybody saw this, except the mother. Luckily she died when he was 43, so he was able to get on with his life.

Sometimes the biggest difficulty with life is that life is difficult. Meaning that there are situations that are unsolvable. This is how it is, and once you see that, you'll see it's neither something in you power to change, nor is it ever going to be acceptable to you.

thanx for the advice,,,

You have already said the most important part,
B is 19, is there really a reason she can't get a job, support herself and get her own place?

My advice would be to talk to B about growing up and being her own person.
Thats the best, If B cant take it living with Mom, then she has choices, you should point out those choices, But.. you have no place really, getting between this Woman and her kids.

Honestly, I think you should stay out of it. B is now 19 and is now an adult. If this was going on with the younger children that was underage, then you might want to say something BUT B could always move out if she was that unhappy.
If your friend is being rude to you, talk to her about it BUT don't go through her daughter. I think if her daughter talks to her about anything, thats just going to cause problems between them.
Sometimes friends are funny, you have to know what lines to cross and just know when to back off. We all raise our children differently...so let your friend do what she think is right.

I think this mother needs a true friend that is not trying to judge her and how she is handleing her family as an outsider that may only know half the story. Sounds like she has figured that out and is distanceing herself from you which seems wise.

It is totally inappropriate that you would even entertain the thought of being roommates with a teenager of your friend or I would say any teenager that is not your own.

At nineteen Mom may think it is about time that this young woman gets up and gets on with her life, college or into a career, rather than keeps hanging out with her friends, maybe she doesn't, but their personal relationship is not being helped by your intrusion.

Sounds like you don't have a very high opinion of this young woman if the first thing you think she is going to do is run off and shack up with a boyfriend.

Try focusing on your own life. Find somewhere to volunteer. Get on campus and make some friends your own age.

I am not JUST an outsider, I was raised beside my friend since grade school, we are both forty and we are about as close as most sisters would be, biology aside.

I think a true friend doesnt just look the other way because something is unpleasant. If my friend was drinking too much or using drugs, I would want to say something to her (whatever her reasons, she could easily talk to me about that too), I feel the same regarding B.

These people, my friend and her girls ARE a part of my own life. We spend time together three to four times a week, they spend weekends at my home quite frequently as I do theirs..the biology is irrelevant to the closeness of the relationship.

I think very highly of B, but I know her weaknesses as well, how sheltered she has been and how quick she is to embrace some positive attention that she doesnt get at home. B has no friends because her mom has NEVER let her do anything,,now she is expected to know how to do it on her own,,,I dont know the answer but I see the distance and harm that is arising in their relationship..

As to living with a teen,, why not? CSB takes in children and teens all the time from homes that are temporarily experiencing problems, why not a responsible adult who already knows and loves them?

As I said before, I love this girl as if she was my own and I dont feel I have to have birthed her to feel this way. I am concerned about the direction my friends relationship with her daughter is going , I dont think that makes me any less of a friend to her mother though. As I said before, I love her mother before and I can see alot of the same issues that she had with her own mother(which I wont go into here but grew up bearing witness to) are arising with B. The difference is B doesnt have the confidence and drive that my friend always had. I would like her to have the chance to develop those things though and I think all of us, her extended and immediate family, could do more towards that goal.

Well I really dont think its your place to wiggle into another familys biz


That is a family............a unit all its own...........unless there is severe abuse goin on noone outside the unit........even a good friend should poke their nose in


I know if my friend.......no matter how close.........did that I would tell her to go play in her unit

And I would never do that to my friends unit!


(sorry bout the unit thing!)

I guess when I think I am seeing emotional abuse, I respond the way many would respond to physical abuse. I tend to view them as equally harmful even if the perpetrator is a loved one.

I am deciding for now to stay back but I wont stop being concerned or being a part of their life anymore than they will stop being a part of mine.

Hummmmm have to say that I tend to side on some of those that have already posted. One the girl is 19 she has a choice and it is very cut and dry. She can get a job save her money and move out. If not then she is living in her mothers house, and honestly who knows how she is doing at home when no friends are around.

I know some of the stuff I put up with when my son was that age was unreal and yeah according to him at that time I was a big B***h..

I understand,, still it sounds alot like those who used to see a man hit his wife and say 'why doesnt she just leave?' or " who knows what she did,,,?"

I am usually not one to go out of my way to step in on anyones decisions, but I was raised that part of loving someone was stepping in when u see them going astray,,,,thats just me though

I respect the opinions here and I have decided to give it more time and pray on it

I've seen this before, as soon as B takes the option to move out, who do you think the mother will start on next...the next oldest of course.

While I do agree that maybe it's best to stay out of it, I also worry about B's emotional state. Yes she's 19, she has the option to move out but maybe she feels responsible for the other 2? Maybe she realizes that when she moves the motehr will start on the next oldest?

OR worst case scenario...no one does anything and the mother finds B dead one day? People knew and did nothing to help her? What happens to the other two?

I agree with msharmony on this point, it wouldn't be any different than someone knowing that a parent beats their child on a daily basis and they do nothing about it, the song "Concrete Angel" by Martina Mcbride points this out...

If you believe that B and her siblings are experiencing abuse, not just a strict parent... then you need to contact child's protection services. There is the false assumption that CPS just takes children away.... That isn't the case. They are there to intervene in situations before they become abusive, if needed or requested... provide resources or referrals etc.

Just be very clear when calling to explain the whole situation to the phone worker.

Child Abuse Hotline (702) 399-0081

http://www.accessclarkcounty.com/depts/family_services/Pages/childprotection.aspx