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| Topic: Wisdom from poeple who've been married before ? | |
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I was married for nineteen years. If I was still married, I'd maybe be worthy of giving advice. It was blissful and wonderful at its best, but mind bending and gut wrenching at its worst. If I ever decided to commit to it again, I'd avoid (like the plague) codependency, resentment, and complacency. I'd always and in all ways keep in mind and heart that compassionate communication is the key to empathy. To me, marriage isn't a piece paper. It's a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers. Then again, what do I know eh... certainly you know plenty after 19 years. Lest we forget, nothing can last that long wihtout some good having come from it, and the stuff that wasn't so good is a pretty good lesson learned too. We learn, I think, to appreciate things that hadn't occurred to us before We also learn a lot about what we need - to me anyway, that has become so important for the 2nd time around - won't leave that to chance - if I can't bring to the table what my guy needs, I doubt I'd marry - and I'm talking more about emotional and companionship stuff - including things like sex and fidelity than material things eh - really I've been alone so long now tho |
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I was married for nineteen years. If I was still married, I'd maybe be worthy of giving advice. It was blissful and wonderful at its best, but mind bending and gut wrenching at its worst. If I ever decided to commit to it again, I'd avoid (like the plague) codependency, resentment, and complacency. I'd always and in all ways keep in mind and heart that compassionate communication is the key to empathy. To me, marriage isn't a piece paper. It's a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers. Then again, what do I know eh... Among other things it is in a big way "a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers" I hate it when I hear one partner making jokes at the others expense, it is not guy talk or girl talk to make belittling comments about your partner. It is derisive. I am not talking a little healthy venting to a trusted friend I am taking crude or nasty or negitive, useless comments. I have heard this done in supposed fun so often and I always want to ask is that really how you feel? If not why say it? Always treat your partner with the respect love deserves, whether they are there to hear it or not. Yeah... I guess I know at least a few couples who don't think twice before making disparaging remarks about each other. I can't help thinking to myself that their future together is less than hopeful. As an outsider it's so apparent sometimes. It seems a shame... As an outsider I think it is impossible to know the inside of another relationship. We can assume things based on what we see/hear and so therefore deduce certain things and are sometimes correct but these deductions are based on our own experiences and may not hold true in the private world of the 'said' couple. My step mother was seen as a nag and worse, with some maturity it came to be that she was EXACTLY what my dad needed. I am talking more like a young man complaining about his newly wed wife having small breasts and then comparing them to a Kiwi. Why would he say such a thing?? Ok this is just an example that sticks with me about a much larger issue. If you love someone, it seems to me that you do not belittle them to get a cheap laugh. |
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ya didn't know if the water in the photo was the ocean or an inland lake. You are further north. honestly I am not sure what kind of snow Portland has right now - but in the past, she has not had as much as her friends who are inland it's a beautiful photo - thanks for sharing @seamac Sorry I should have clarified! Usually the ocean does effect snow fall, making it less than what they get inland, this year is a big exception. We are due more on Sat. but no one seems to be predicting how much...My guess would be that your sister has her fair share, this was a huge storm and the places further south form us got at least as much judging from the reports. My son is in chicago and they got slammed and my friends in PA got much less snow but two solid inches of ice! Crazy winter! no problem - as we are a little of topic with this anyway  but yes- its weird weather winter. Here in Columbus, Ohio we've remained almost untouched by it, relatively speaking. my sons an hour SW of here in Dayton got more snow & ice. I feel like I live in a bubble Off topic? Us??? I have never been known to go off topic, I think I like it!  If you want to get out of your bubble and come help shovel you are more than welcome! We can take a break and walk to sea too...that's what I do, pitch the shovel and go remind myself why I moved here! well I will definte message you on here the next time I go to Maine! Actually I seem to always be there in Winter....so I've been to the beach several times in the freezing cold just to walk. Last year we went to LL Bean New Year's Eve in Freeport in January- had a blast - I tell people I went to an outdoor New Year's party in Maine and they just drop their jaws I hope you do let me know the next time you are coming here, it would be great to meet, you'd be my first Mingle meet!! You should come for the Blue's Fest or Lobster Fest, course the town is jammed but my house is easy walking distance to all the downtown fest's!! will keep that in mind, and thank you. what a lovely and charming invitation - it will be awhile before I'm there again tho. I am determined to get there in the summer!! Actually when I was younger my art teacher in college had a hotel there where I worked- so I did get to be a pretty major beach bum in my day! |
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Edited by
AllenAqua
on
Thu 02/03/11 06:20 PM
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I was married for nineteen years. If I was still married, I'd maybe be worthy of giving advice. It was blissful and wonderful at its best, but mind bending and gut wrenching at its worst. If I ever decided to commit to it again, I'd avoid (like the plague) codependency, resentment, and complacency. I'd always and in all ways keep in mind and heart that compassionate communication is the key to empathy. To me, marriage isn't a piece paper. It's a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers. Then again, what do I know eh... certainly you know plenty after 19 years. Lest we forget, nothing can last that long wihtout some good having come from it, and the stuff that wasn't so good is a pretty good lesson learned too. We learn, I think, to appreciate things that hadn't occurred to us before We also learn a lot about what we need " Experience is the harshest teacher because you have to fail the test, before you get the lesson" |
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I was married for 17 years to a very fine and gentle man. He was the keeper of my secrets, the holder of my dreams and the key to my happiness. I was those for him also. When marriage is between best friends and you are willing to always remember that you are best friends and act accordingly, as an unbreakable team, it is the best thing on earth. I lost my husband to cancer over five years ago, not a day goes by that I don't miss him.   If first you don't succeed then try again. I tried with the first one two times. Nothing against her at all. I was a real jerk the first time. I sure wasn't ready for marriage that first time. I was a married person who thought he was still single.The second time I was more mature but still married to the wrong person. I still wasn't what you call a real friend. The third time I got married to someone different but we had the same core values. It was a wonderful friendship. I didn't have to give up who I was. It was amazing because I accepted who she was for her and she accepted who I was for me. Even until day she passed away she was my friend. It was freaking awesome. Even my ex and ex mother-in-law liked her. Fortunate for me my ex had done much work on me to make me marriageable. I am just real sorry for my ex and all the hell I put her through. But then I really didn't have a real clue what marriage meant back then. Still, it was wrong to the wrong person because the third marriage I felt free even though I was married. There was no ball and chain to it.
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I was married for nineteen years. If I was still married, I'd maybe be worthy of giving advice. It was blissful and wonderful at its best, but mind bending and gut wrenching at its worst. If I ever decided to commit to it again, I'd avoid (like the plague) codependency, resentment, and complacency. I'd always and in all ways keep in mind and heart that compassionate communication is the key to empathy. To me, marriage isn't a piece paper. It's a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers. Then again, what do I know eh... Among other things it is in a big way "a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers" I hate it when I hear one partner making jokes at the others expense, it is not guy talk or girl talk to make belittling comments about your partner. It is derisive. I am not talking a little healthy venting to a trusted friend I am taking crude or nasty or negitive, useless comments. I have heard this done in supposed fun so often and I always want to ask is that really how you feel? If not why say it? Always treat your partner with the respect love deserves, whether they are there to hear it or not. Yeah... I guess I know at least a few couples who don't think twice before making disparaging remarks about each other. I can't help thinking to myself that their future together is less than hopeful. As an outsider it's so apparent sometimes. It seems a shame... As an outsider I think it is impossible to know the inside of another relationship. We can assume things based on what we see/hear and so therefore deduce certain things and are sometimes correct but these deductions are based on our own experiences and may not hold true in the private world of the 'said' couple. My step mother was seen as a nag and worse, with some maturity it came to be that she was EXACTLY what my dad needed. I am talking more like a young man complaining about his newly wed wife having small breasts and then comparing them to a Kiwi. Why would he say such a thing?? Ok this is just an example that sticks with me about a much larger issue. If you love someone, it seems to me that you do not belittle them to get a cheap laugh. well it comes down to being best friends, I think. would you do it to, or say it about your best friend? We all bust on each other & kid around - I think the intent and the content is key - if it's good natured joking, it can be a form of affection but when it is not it hurts and can start a downward spiral. I know my ex was pretty nasty and I was so naieve (we came from totally different back grounds) that i didn't understand the inferences - once I began to understand and object....was the beginning of the end, I think |
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Ah So Grasshopper
Ancient wisdom say: Wife who fly upside down have crack up! |
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I was married for nineteen years. If I was still married, I'd maybe be worthy of giving advice. It was blissful and wonderful at its best, but mind bending and gut wrenching at its worst. If I ever decided to commit to it again, I'd avoid (like the plague) codependency, resentment, and complacency. I'd always and in all ways keep in mind and heart that compassionate communication is the key to empathy. To me, marriage isn't a piece paper. It's a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers. Then again, what do I know eh... certainly you know plenty after 19 years. Lest we forget, nothing can last that long wihtout some good having come from it, and the stuff that wasn't so good is a pretty good lesson learned too. We learn, I think, to appreciate things that hadn't occurred to us before We also learn a lot about what we need " Experience is the harshest teacher because you have to take the test, before you get the lesson" I've heard people say something similar about parenting. Did you not have any good experiences? Experience is an excellent teacher, yes, some lessons a bit harsh, most not. But I would hope Ima bit smarter for it all 
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In my opinion if you don't have a friend in marriage then you don't have a marriage. Of all the things I miss about my last wife it is the friendship that I miss the most.
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Ah So Grasshopper Ancient wisdom say: Wife who fly upside down have crack up! what about upside down husband? |
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I was married for nineteen years. If I was still married, I'd maybe be worthy of giving advice. It was blissful and wonderful at its best, but mind bending and gut wrenching at its worst. If I ever decided to commit to it again, I'd avoid (like the plague) codependency, resentment, and complacency. I'd always and in all ways keep in mind and heart that compassionate communication is the key to empathy. To me, marriage isn't a piece paper. It's a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers. Then again, what do I know eh... certainly you know plenty after 19 years. Lest we forget, nothing can last that long wihtout some good having come from it, and the stuff that wasn't so good is a pretty good lesson learned too. We learn, I think, to appreciate things that hadn't occurred to us before We also learn a lot about what we need " Experience is the harshest teacher because you have to take the test, before you get the lesson" I've heard people say something similar about parenting. Did you not have any good experiences? Experience is an excellent teacher, yes, some lessons a bit harsh, most not. But I would hope Ima bit smarter for it all Yes, plenty of great experiences. No one to reminisce about them with but yes... I feel smarter too. It would have been nice had we both had good role models for parents. We were both from broken homes. I feel plenty more informed on the matter. Maybe that education will pay off some sunny day. Maybe not... Time will only tell. I sort of think it's too bad that it's not part of a public school curriculum. "Relationship success 101". It seems so important to a happy and healthy adulthood for some of us. Last I heard there's a 50% divorce rate. Good for lawyers I guess... I'm not sure who else though. |
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Edited by
RainbowTrout
on
Thu 02/03/11 07:56 PM
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I was married for nineteen years. If I was still married, I'd maybe be worthy of giving advice. It was blissful and wonderful at its best, but mind bending and gut wrenching at its worst. If I ever decided to commit to it again, I'd avoid (like the plague) codependency, resentment, and complacency. I'd always and in all ways keep in mind and heart that compassionate communication is the key to empathy. To me, marriage isn't a piece paper. It's a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers. Then again, what do I know eh... certainly you know plenty after 19 years. Lest we forget, nothing can last that long wihtout some good having come from it, and the stuff that wasn't so good is a pretty good lesson learned too. We learn, I think, to appreciate things that hadn't occurred to us before We also learn a lot about what we need " Experience is the harshest teacher because you have to take the test, before you get the lesson" I've heard people say something similar about parenting. Did you not have any good experiences? Experience is an excellent teacher, yes, some lessons a bit harsh, most not. But I would hope Ima bit smarter for it all Yes, plenty of great experiences. No one to reminisce about them with but yes... I feel smarter too. It would have been nice had we both had good role models for parents. We were both from broken homes. I feel plenty more informed on the matter. Maybe that education will pay off some sunny day. Maybe not... Time will only tell. I sort of think it's too bad that it's not part of a public school curriculum. "Relationship success 101". It seems so important to a happy and healthy adulthood for some of us. Last I heard there's a 50% divorce rate. Good for lawyers I guess... I'm not sure who else though. Good point. One thing that is interesting to me about the law and relationships is the human relationship as it applies to law. When I studied feminism in college this 'human relationship' when women were trying on this thing called freedom had to take it in evolutionary steps. In the book, "Our bodies, Ourselves" they redefined property rights. In other words, If we do see ourselves as property then why can't we be our own property holder. This progressed to if then if we are our own property holder then we are no longer property but then we have evolved to full human status to be holders of property that is not considered human. It really changed how people saw law when part of the population was not property any more. For those who were married to property it must been real upsetting to their relationship. This must been upsetting most to lawyers because it meant the rules of law had to be rewritten so it was bad in one way. But in another way it meant the lawyers could have more clients. So sometimes you have to take the good with the bad.
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(1) Spend the time, make the effort BEFORE locking into marriage to get to know them, not hope for the best afterwards. (2) Be prepared to give 100%, not 50%. They will be thinking the same. (3) Be kinder to your marriage partner than anyone else you know. (4) Back them up to the hilt. (5) Think every day, of ways to make them happy. Follow through. (6) NEVER use the words "Your problem is.." (7) Be faithful, and giving and unselfish. (8) Maintain your identity. (9) Listen. You don't have to have the answers. (10) Kisses work wonders :-)  |
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Maybe now we know why guys find it so hard to get this right. (Is there a "quote" button somewhere)? The quote button is on the bottom right of the person's message you're trying to reply to |
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In my opinion if you don't have a friend in marriage then you don't have a marriage. Of all the things I miss about my last wife it is the friendship that I miss the most. This is so nice, Rainbow. :) |
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(10) Kisses work wonders :-) What if they don't like chocolate? Get the dumplings. 
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In my opinion if you don't have a friend in marriage then you don't have a marriage. Of all the things I miss about my last wife it is the friendship that I miss the most. that's lovely! It's the one thing I always wanted but I married a man's man. He could be a good man, but never had much time for women, doubt he ever will - I envy you |
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In my opinion if you don't have a friend in marriage then you don't have a marriage. Of all the things I miss about my last wife it is the friendship that I miss the most. that's lovely! It's the one thing I always wanted but I married a man's man. He could be a good man, but never had much time for women, doubt he ever will - I envy you |
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I was married for nineteen years. If I was still married, I'd maybe be worthy of giving advice. It was blissful and wonderful at its best, but mind bending and gut wrenching at its worst. If I ever decided to commit to it again, I'd avoid (like the plague) codependency, resentment, and complacency. I'd always and in all ways keep in mind and heart that compassionate communication is the key to empathy. To me, marriage isn't a piece paper. It's a declaration to the world that we stand together against all comers. Then again, what do I know eh... certainly you know plenty after 19 years. Lest we forget, nothing can last that long wihtout some good having come from it, and the stuff that wasn't so good is a pretty good lesson learned too. We learn, I think, to appreciate things that hadn't occurred to us before We also learn a lot about what we need " Experience is the harshest teacher because you have to take the test, before you get the lesson" I've heard people say something similar about parenting. Did you not have any good experiences? Experience is an excellent teacher, yes, some lessons a bit harsh, most not. But I would hope Ima bit smarter for it all Yes, plenty of great experiences. No one to reminisce about them with but yes... I feel smarter too. It would have been nice had we both had good role models for parents. We were both from broken homes. I feel plenty more informed on the matter. Maybe that education will pay off some sunny day. Maybe not... Time will only tell. I sort of think it's too bad that it's not part of a public school curriculum. "Relationship success 101". It seems so important to a happy and healthy adulthood for some of us. Last I heard there's a 50% divorce rate. Good for lawyers I guess... I'm not sure who else though. well I am impressed by your earnestness and honesty. I'm sure your parents did the best they could, but I wonder, did you not also - being that you had a 24 (or was it 19? well...) year marriage. that's a good, long run. I hope for you to find another chance & good luck next time - just warn the ladies that it will be at least 25 yrs to top ur old reord
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Ah So Grasshopper Ancient wisdom say: Wife who fly upside down have crack up! what about upside down husband? Upside down husband allways have one eye on sky! |
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